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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)
Fluffydressinggown Mon 14-Jan-13 18:23:13

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 15-Jan-13 18:44:13

fluffy I have experienced similar, though my 'signs' usually portended something good, they were never a signal for harm in any form. I didn't know whether to believe them or not, so I just looked for the good message to be on the safe side. Meds got things feeling much less confused.

After a few days I was allowed into the big garden in the middle of the hospital. There I saw the most magnificent rainbow, which to all people everywhere means something positive. I knew it was a glorious coincidence, it was none the less lovely and uplifting for knowing that.

peace to you

SnowyMouse Tue 15-Jan-13 18:45:50

I'm glad you got someone to talk to fluffy smile

snowbanana Tue 15-Jan-13 19:00:27

very interesting these signs. I get them as well, but they are reminders. No bad, no good, just reminders.

Fluffydressinggown Tue 15-Jan-13 22:49:33

I am still very muddled. Think I am ok and then I get a sign. I was watching tv before and there was so much red on the tv it was not normal so I knew that was a sign. Then I wasnt sure what to do next but I had a clear sign just now. I know they can't all be coincidences. I have told the staff. They say I have insight which is good but they can't see what I can so it is hard to explain.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 15-Jan-13 22:56:09

Our brains are wired to look for meaning. Sometimes they overdo it. Rest, find someone to talk to, eat the food (ours was pretty good and sometimes the night staff made us toast <ahem>)

snowbanana Wed 16-Jan-13 08:16:40

Did you get any medicine against them? Or do you just have to rest and wait them disappear? Somewhere I read that antispychotis are not that effective against ocd.

Fluffydressinggown Wed 16-Jan-13 13:34:55

Hi had a bad night and woke up feeling strange. Nurses say i am having a psychotic episode. I have meds prescribed but not taking them because of the signs, they are talking about a section maybe. I know logically but I also know god woulf not be giving me signs if it wasnt real. I am never like this and so to be like this so quickly must be a sign.

I am reading my book and trying to be calm but it is hard.

SnowyMouse Wed 16-Jan-13 13:54:53

Hugs fluffy do keep talking to them, it's important they know what's happening for you.

snowbanana Wed 16-Jan-13 14:21:40

Just take the meds. If they section you they will inject the meds on you. You can't win this time. You still have insight. You mind end up full blown psychosis if you don't take the meds.

snowbanana Wed 16-Jan-13 15:04:05

oh, one question. Have you actually heard this god talking to you or has the god shown himself to you? How do you know it is god sending signs to you? How are you sure you are reading the signs right? Or could it just be your imagination finding signs all the time?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Wed 16-Jan-13 15:40:33

Fluffy - only just seen this thread. Are you an inpatient now?

Take the help on offer, please do. I'm stuck on home treatment as there's no space for admission around here and wish I could be away somewhere safe.

It is hard to concentrate when all you can think about is harming yourself, but be proud that you are still holding onto that insight and keep that going. There is a part of you who wants to be safe and understands why.

I'll be thinking of you xx

Fluffydressinggown Wed 16-Jan-13 15:44:59

Oh no I don't hear voices our anything. Just things happening are signs. The logical bit of me knows it is not true but I also know that tge signs are def def there.

It is very confusing right now. I keep trying to kill myself but o can't. Maybe I should be at home maybe that is why the signs are so strong because I should be at home. But they said I am not allowed home.

I know I should take the meds but it it's such a strong sign that I don't want to that o know it i's what god wanted.

Thank you for replying. I appreciate it, makes me feel less alone.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 16-Jan-13 15:56:47

Is it one sign telling you not to take meds, or lots of them? Do you want to share what the signs are, or is it kind of private? What might a sign that you should take them be like?

I refused meds a couple of times when admitted, because I wasn't sure whether I should take them or not, or even what they were. I did take them eventually, the confusion then cleared over the next few days.

snowbanana Wed 16-Jan-13 15:59:43

Why can't you take the meds? You know they take the sings away.

Have a try. If the god really wants to show you signs, it does not make any difference if you take the meds or not. After, well, a generous dosage of Haldol, you still see signs Then they are ment to be!

Fluffydressinggown Wed 16-Jan-13 16:28:49

Signs ate like things that are happening but I know they have a special meaning for me. Like yesterday a woman choked outside of my room and I knew that was a sign to hang myself, and they put The Bucket List on TV and that was a sign. So everyone can see them but they are special for me from God.

The quietapine wastbe first sign. I didnt want to take it so knew that was god wanting me to be like this even though I am scared and then havibg them meant an overdise would work better, so that was a sign.

My typing is crap sorry!

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 16-Jan-13 16:40:35

I had olanzapine at first to bring me down (hypomanic due to sleep deprivation). They worked really quickly. Then went onto the quetiapine and boy did they help me catch up with my sleep, which I really needed. Was off them in a couple of months or so.

I am not quite clear about your signs. Not wanting to take it is a sign not to take it, and having them (the quetiapine I presume) would mean an overdose would work better, so that was a sign for what? not to take them?

Sorry for all the questions. Ignore if you want. What is the food like?

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 16:44:37

Thinking of you Fluffy x
Cannot help but thinking of you x

snowbanana Wed 16-Jan-13 17:01:41

Maybe they could give you something else than quetapine if that drug is a problem.

I was once given something that really knocked me out. I just got to my bed and passed out. I woke up next morning feeling much better.

Fluffydressinggown Wed 16-Jan-13 17:19:36

I don't really want to explain the signs, ut looks too weird. I do tell the staff though.

I don't eat the food here, I have ocd and I worry about it. My husband brings me food in but today I am too jittery to eat.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 16-Jan-13 17:23:06

Oh fluffy sorry if I pressured you. Try and eat and drink a little, tis important to keep your strength up [hugs]

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 18:03:32

Is there anything you have an appetite for ? Just a nibble of anything?
Is your mind feeling all buzzy and whirling? It's hard to concentrate on anything when it's like that.

Do they have activities set up for in the daytime?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Wed 16-Jan-13 18:17:42

hi fluffy - I see what you're saying. The signs are very clear to you and I'm glad you're in a place of safety while you work out if they mean what you think they do. It's good that you have some awareness as you need to keep safe.

As for the meds, give some thought to taking them as it's much better for you to stay informal.

Thinking about you x

Fluffydressinggown Wed 16-Jan-13 20:21:36

My husband sorted my internet out so now I have my laptop which makes a world of difference.

I hate some chocolate before but it didn't taste right, I feel hungry but then I don't really. Bit weird.

I don't want to take the quietiapine because it was such a big sign, hard to explain.

Thank you for your support on this thread smile

Keema - are you ok?

SnowyMouse Wed 16-Jan-13 20:25:22

I hope you have a good evening/night fluffy Stay safe!

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 20:29:51

Bet the staff will love you cos' half their battles are trying to get people to understand their minds are not working correctly and need help. You have recognised that bit and called for help - so that's a big chunk for them done.

Keep warm and safe Fluffy. And any food urges - tell your DH to bring it in for you! What about polos and things like that?

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