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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)
Fluffydressinggown Mon 14-Jan-13 18:23:13

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 22-May-13 14:00:27

Oh yes, Feline Emotional Blackmail wink - Midnight is a past master (mistress?) of that. And food must be fresh from tin - apparently it's just not the same if it's been in the bowl for more than 15 min hmm

pepperrabbit Wed 22-May-13 14:03:58

Ah yes, my well fed curvaceous cat is sitting looking at my lunch with her "no one ever feeds me" sad face on.
She doesn't even like ryvita!

SnowyMouse Wed 22-May-13 14:10:00

Thinking of you fluffy

fluffydressinggown Wed 22-May-13 15:56:03

No sign of crisis! Suppose to be here between 2 and 4. So annoying.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 22-May-13 16:02:26

The trouble with the CT is - that they deal with crises. So their plans for the day often have to be re-prioritised. They'll get there, or they'll ring, I'm sure. If it is bugging you, gives them another 30 min and then ring to see what's what.

SnowyMouse Wed 22-May-13 16:24:00

I hope they are out soon fluffy

fluffydressinggown Wed 22-May-13 22:20:07

They came. Was a bit of a random visit but there we go.

Feeling weird, finding it difficult to manage my thoughts, but just keeping going.

fluffydressinggown Thu 23-May-13 23:07:20

Had a good visit today, things seem to be getting more sorted.

I self harmed today which is frustrating, had stitches from a nurse I know very well which made it easier.

We went out for tea and I have painted my nails today.

Crisis think I am a bit delusional. Not sure.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 24-May-13 00:07:30

They are possibly thinking that way because you self-harmed, so sorry to hear that you did. Do you know why? (PLEASE ask for deletion, and PM me, and don't answer, if you find my question out of bounds.)

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 24-May-13 15:00:53

You OK, fluffy?

Sunnywithshowers Fri 24-May-13 16:00:07

Big hugs Fluffy xxx

SnowyMouse Fri 24-May-13 17:31:56

Thinking of you fluffy

pepperrabbit Fri 24-May-13 20:29:16

You ok today fluffy?

fluffydressinggown Fri 24-May-13 21:19:35

I'm ok yes.

I am not sure why I SIed. Maybe I need to think about that.

Spoke to my CPN today who said I really need to take my meds.

I have been for lunch and shopping with my Mum today which was nice.

fluffydressinggown Fri 24-May-13 22:18:58

Actually I feel very low really. Very sort of flat and disconnected. I keep thinking it would be better if I was dead. I have told crisis and my CPN and my DH this so I am talking. I wonder if maybe I am not supposed to be here any more. My thoughts feel quite muddled and busy.

I have had a nice day today though and I am trying to be positive and rational.

I just feel like this huge storm is coming and I am not sure whether I can (or even should) deal with this. But then I guess I have to be the change, I have to have the shift, and I want to. So why can't I?

Sunnywithshowers Sat 25-May-13 11:07:39

fluffy it's good that you're talking to the people around you. I don't have any answer to your question, but wanted to offer un-Mumsnetty hugs and some flowers

SnowyMouse Sun 26-May-13 14:31:48

((((( fluffy )))))

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 26-May-13 22:53:11

First and foremost, do take your meds. Secondly, stop trying to get better by an effort of will. Accept that you are alive, and accept living. Look into DH's eyes if you can - I think that might help.

I have a fluffly white dressing gown - these days when I wear it I find myself thinking of you smile

fluffydressinggown Tue 28-May-13 00:00:41

Well I have had a nice weekend so I will write about that before I write about the rubbish stuff!

We went to the cinema really late on Friday night to see Star Trek, I don't like busy busy places and so the cinema at that time was great, only me and DH and two other people. Saw family on Saturday and had a lovely day with them and then on Sunday we had a great day out and a picnic. I got a bit burned on Sunday though so have a very attractive red cleavage. Just chilled today and watched TV. So all lovely.

Rubbish stuff. Saw crisis today, they think I am relapsing and are concerned. I don't know. My ankle is infected as well. They talked to me very honestly about the risk of me loosing my leg if I continue to self harm. Ughhh. They talked about me needing to be kinder to myself, I am good at the superficial stuff but nothing deeper.

I am seeing my CPN tomorrow, I need to write a big list of things to talk about! Going out for a meal with DH's Dad tomorrow.

The cat continues to be super friendly, although she loves to lick my arm hmm which is not the nicest thing!

silvery I chose my username one night looking at my dressing gown!

fluffydressinggown Tue 28-May-13 14:47:35

I seeing my CPN and the crisis team for a review at 4. Really nervous, bit unexpected really. I knew I was seeing my CPN but just thought crisis would speak to her about their work with me this morning, a review is scary shit.

SnowyMouse Tue 28-May-13 15:11:25

I'll be thinking of you, fluffy good luck

fluffydressinggown Tue 28-May-13 21:46:34

Horrid meeting sad I am so frustrated. The crisis team lady was so negative with me, not sure what will happen tbh. She was saying maybe I didn't benefit from them because I got so upset, but then also that I am at risk of re-admission.

I am feeling so sad about everything. Seeing my CPN again tomorrow. Organising a med review as well to look into a different anti-psychotic.

SnowyMouse Tue 28-May-13 22:02:05

Big hugs fluffy it sounds awful.

fluffydressinggown Tue 28-May-13 23:03:10

I am so frustrated, I feel like everyone is pissed off at me for being ungrateful.

The CRS nurse was really hostile, but then I probably was hostile, she just said I am focusing too much on the past and putting up barriers. I am just so shit I can't even get better. I just feel like the one thing I asked for they have not done and I feel so unsettled, it is irritating because I know that CRS can be brilliant and supportive for me when it goes well. I asked for them to organise a schedule of visits and they have not done that and then I get told I am being unreasonable and wanting too much from them. I just don't understand why it hasn't happened this time. They have done the visits but it feels very day to day. Hmm.

I am so worried about going downhill but I know I am not helping myself.

Sunnywithshowers Wed 29-May-13 00:03:02

Fluffy you're not shit, not at all. I've seen you make progress on this thread, even if it feels like you're standing still right now you have moved forward.

You can recover - it'll take time but you can. And we'll be with you as long as you need us.

Sending you big squeezy hugs and flowers xxx

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