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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)
Fluffydressinggown Mon 14-Jan-13 18:23:13

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Imscarlet Wed 08-May-13 21:51:53

Actually, I came over a little bit emotional reading that post, because I think you might just have turned a corner. I really hope you have. One think that had always struck me is how eloquent you have come across in your posts. I knew someone else like that online who went on to write an amazing book!

coxspippin Thu 09-May-13 11:38:24

dear fluffy i hope you get some rest and may feel some relief. you sound nice!

chartreuse Thu 09-May-13 15:40:31

Hi fluffy I have been reading your thread since the beginning and willing you on. You have made huge progress, and I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but I feel really proud that you have come this far.

I know you love your make-up, why don't you hang out on the Style and Beauty boards, there are lots of people there distracting themselves from RL, believe me! Are you on Pinterest? I think you'd like it, it's a great place to waste time looking at pretty things. Lots of very cute cats there too.

Take care of yourself x

kizzie Thu 09-May-13 17:26:46

Hi Fluffy - you've come such a long way. smile

I know youve still got a lot to process and come to terms with but honestly I have so much admiration for your strength.

The cat sounds great - Im hoping to get a new kitten soon !!! Not that im beside myself with excitement or anything hmm blush

I just wanted to post this quote - its really helped me in the past:

“Fight one more round. When your feet are so tired that you have to shuffle back to the centre of the ring, fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round – remembering that the man who always fights one more round is never whipped.”

― James Corbett

kizzie Thu 09-May-13 17:29:00

ps I agree about wasting spending a few hours on the style and beauty board. I find it very therapeutic :-)

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 09-May-13 18:37:35

As my style has stayed at 'unkept hippy' for the last 40 years, I rarely go on Style and Beauty, though it has been known! May I put in a word for The Litter Tray, look for the lighter threads though, and you can compare Maisie with other folks cats.

bassetfeet Thu 09-May-13 18:41:35

Kizzie that is a superb quote

fluffydressinggown Fri 10-May-13 21:08:38

Oh gosh, such lovely lovely posts smile I have been on MN for nearly ten years now (lots of name changes) so I do post all over, never really feel stylish enough for S&B though! I am very high street in my tastes. I do like beautiful make-up though, my biggest weakness. I put my Dior and Lancome on at home today and it was lush ;)

Well. I think I am being dicharged next Friday. I slept at home last night and then I am sleeping at home Saturday/Sunday.

I went shopping today with my Mum (bought this bag and these shoes ), I had not seen her since Christmas so it was a bit weird, but nice. I still feel quite overwelhmed sometimes with everything but I guess that is normal?!

I am going home with visits from the crisis team and support from my CPN. Feel nervous, feel like I am still very risky and self harmy and I have no idea how I will manage that. My meds still need tweaking, and I am not sure how well I will manage to cook and clean but DH is happy to do those things for now. I know I am still fragile and still pretty vulnerable and it is going to take a very very long time to get over what has happened. I wish I could say everything is better, but in reality it isn't and it might not be for a while. Trying to take it one hour/day at a time!

But I know I have come a very very long way and that is positive.

Oh and the cat continues to be amazing and friendly!

SnowyMouse Fri 10-May-13 21:10:58

smile fluffy, I admire your insight smile you can do it

pepperrabbit Sat 11-May-13 17:38:03

Hfluffy. i have a new phoneand you are my first mobile post! Hope the weekend goes well, you have come so far and sound much "clearer" if that makes sense.

fluffydressinggown Sun 12-May-13 18:22:53

Well done pepperabbit! The Mumsnet App is great isn't it smile

I slept at home last night. I am feeling quite agitated today and trying hard not to have strange thoughts. I know I am not really allowed to though so I am trying to focus on being normal again, I can't let everything slip.

SnowyMouse Sun 12-May-13 19:12:06

It sounds like you're doing well fluffy, lots of people struggle when they first leave hospital, but you're managing it with insight.

Take care xx

Sunnywithshowers Sun 12-May-13 22:12:09

Hi fluffy you may feel a bit wobbly but you sound awesome. One step in front of the other like others have suggested.

Beeeg hugs smile xxx

bassetfeet Sun 12-May-13 22:51:53

You are doing just fine lovely . Cuddle the cat lots when those thoughts come . Animals help so much . Small steps for now Fluffy
huge hug and tummy tickle for Maisy x

Oh and huge hug for you without tummy tickle blush xx

Sunnywithshowers Mon 13-May-13 00:20:25

I am now laughing at basset - I hope fluffy you know that when I offer you hugs the 'no tummy tickle' thing is implied? grin

fluffydressinggown Mon 13-May-13 14:21:35

grin at tummy tickles! Maisy does like them, I am not so keen ;) She dipped a paw in DH's soup this afternoon so he is very unimpressed.

Been out for lunch with my friend, feel very suicidal but trying to manage. Going back to hospital in a bit for a meeting and will come home again tomorrow.

fluffydressinggown Mon 13-May-13 21:09:05

I self harmed this afternoon and have had to go for stitches, I am so tired of this shit and i know it is my fault, sometimes I just can't bare it any more.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 13-May-13 22:03:27

Sorry to hear that fluffy. Hugs to you & be kind to yourself. flowers

bassetfeet Tue 14-May-13 19:43:44

Hi Fluffy sorry to read you are feeling so distressed and sad .
Do you keep a diary of your days ? I see a difference in your posts and progress here . It is hard to see it yourself though I know .

Hope the wee cat gives you a cat cuddle as only cats can do with paws stretched and purring . Laughed at her pinching DH soup [wise cat ]. They are so quick shock.

Keep on lovey .....a day at a a time . x

pepperrabbit Tue 14-May-13 22:18:39

fluffy sorry to hear this. You may not see it but you really do sound from your posts that you are getting stronger so hope this is just a tiny stumble in your progress.

fluffydressinggown Thu 16-May-13 17:28:29

I am a bit calmer than Monday which is good.

DH is finishing off some essays for university and stressing me out though. Only two more hours and then it will be handed in and DONE. So so ready for him to be done, he is so dramatic about them.

The cat is snoozing away next to me, still very cuddly.

I do feel like I have made lots of progress, and I can recognise that smile

bassetfeet Thu 16-May-13 17:37:55

Ah Snowy not long now until those essays are done and handed in. Relief all round . Hope you both have a nice takeaway or a nice treat to reward you both well earned flowers.

I am so delighted to read those words from you :

I do feel like I have made lots of progress, and I can recognise that

That has made my day . Maisie is a lucky cat snoozing by your side and feeling safe . So pleased that she is helping you and making you both smile xx

bassetfeet Thu 16-May-13 17:38:54

sorry Fluffy I mean !! ach this brain of mine . x

SnowyMouse Thu 16-May-13 18:21:54

That is good that you're calmer fluffy I'm glad the cat is proving good company smile

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 16-May-13 18:47:48

This sounds good. Does this mean DH is reaching end of his course?

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