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Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

(1000 Posts)
Fluffydressinggown Mon 14-Jan-13 18:23:13

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. sad

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Pancakeflipper Wed 20-Mar-13 15:54:27

Enjoy the 4 hrs.

Fluffydressinggown Thu 21-Mar-13 11:44:55

We went to Sainsburys and MacDonalds.

I bought a cardigan and some chocolate and lots of cigs. Marvellous.

Had a tough night but still here smile I am seeing my CPN this afternoon.

Wearing some very nice stripey leggings today which oddly has cheered me up a bit.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Mar-13 12:36:31

That sounds like a good outing smile

What colour cardi? What colour stripey leggings? envy as am too old for stripey leggings - would look like weird old woman...

Fluffydressinggown Thu 21-Mar-13 13:36:55

I think I am too old tbh, they are sort of a red stripey Aztec pattern from New Look in the sales. Cardi is sort of multicoloured chunky knit (I am selling it I know!)

I figure a mental hospital is the place to be experimental with fashion ;)

Sunnywithshowers Thu 21-Mar-13 14:03:24

You're never too old for red aztec smile x

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Mar-13 14:14:56

I have carefully nutured an <ahem> eccentric persona over the years. Perhaps now is the time to trade on it even more than I do already and go for Aztec stripey leggings.

So a cardi of many colours, then. But what colours? <persistent>

coxspippin Fri 22-Mar-13 10:40:33

a nice break for you with your DH, fluffy

Fluffydressinggown Fri 22-Mar-13 22:48:21

Back on constants. Blah sad Was supposed to go out with DH tomorrow but leave cancelled when on constants.

Why am I so very stupid.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 16:48:00

Sorry you need to be back on constants, though glad they are keeping you safe, dear fluffY.

<ahem> Cardi colours? <persistent, especially knowing your eye for colour>

Fluffydressinggown Sat 23-Mar-13 20:51:35

I will try and take a picture when I wear it, it is sort of cream multicoloured chunky thingy.

I have seen my DH today, feel a bit flat really. Hmm.

Hard to explain.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:17

Don't worry too much about feeling a bit flat or even bored. You have been going through a lot, and apart from anything probably need a rest from stuff.

Fluffydressinggown Sun 24-Mar-13 16:07:41

That is a good point actually. I am knackered. It is so hard, I feel quite upset today I think and I am concious that constants are a bit of an unrealistic bubble, I have to deal with all of this shit again. Ho hum.

In Aztec leggings again (I have a link this time: these)

DH brought the guinea pig in today, verrrry cute and gorgeous.

Thurlow Sun 24-Mar-13 18:16:35

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are feeling so tired and glum today. (I've nc'd since posting before). I'm jealous of the guinea pig though! And your leggings are fab. Hope you have a better night tonight.

Elderflowergranita Wed 27-Mar-13 00:40:04

Hi Fluffy, hope you're feeling a little better. x

Fluffydressinggown Wed 27-Mar-13 15:13:26

Thanks for your kind words smile

Off constants. Feeling very frustrated and grumpy with everything. HMPH!!

Sunnywithshowers Wed 27-Mar-13 22:30:09

I'm glad to hear you're off constants fluffy smile - sorry to hear you're frustrated and grumpy.

I hope you wake up tomorrow morning feeling less meh. Big squeezy hugs xxx

Elderflowergranita Thu 28-Mar-13 22:42:05

Still thinking of you Fluffy.

Hope the past few days have been a little easier. x

Fluffydressinggown Sat 30-Mar-13 14:04:36

I have not posted for a bit because tbh there is nothing much to say

Same old same old. On and off constant observations (currently on as of this morning).

I had my hair cut yesterday so I look like me again and had a little sneaky shop which was marvellous. Have two Easter Eggs. Loads of lovely lovely cards on my notice board. The blingingest ever phone cover, have done lots of internet shopping so lots of nice clothes.

When I am not on constant obs I can have 4 hours out of the hospital accompanied by DH so we have been out a few times.

Hmm. I am pretty worn down and tired these days. I am still suicidal and acting on it a fair old bit (hence the constant obs). I am sleeping ok and eating ok. Things with DH are good, well as good as they can be, he is being so supportive and amazing. I sobbed and sobbed yesterday and he just said "I will never give up on you." Lovely lovely.

I wish I could post and say it was getting better or I was better but the reality is that things are awful and I have never felt so low or so sad. I suppose for now I get through each day and go from there.

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 14:49:08

Hi Fluffy - just found your thread. Sorry you're still feeling bad, have you got anything nice planned to do with DH when you're allowed leave? I used to go to the cinema and leave the baby with the nurses (mother and baby unit).

Have they offered any talking therapy?

It is possible to be where you are, and get better.

Fluffydressinggown Sun 31-Mar-13 14:53:30

How are you Schezerade? I hope you are feeling much better.

I have lost all my leave again because I am back on constants, hard to see a way forward. I was thinking about the cinema though, will discuss with DH, most of the staff won't take me out and DH is not always keen.

Apparently the staff have bought creme eggs so I will indulge shortly.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 31-Mar-13 17:33:51

'[DH said] I will never give up on you" - <wipes away a surreptitious tear>

There isn't much to do in a psych hosp, but it does sound like you are doing what you can.

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 17:37:18

Um very well thank you, its been a year since my admission (13th March - 10th June), I'm being transferred from peri natal to adult CMHT which will be interesting. Couldn't praise current team enough.

Last year the children's ward got too many eggs donated so sent us some, only babies can't have chocolate! So I ended up with 4!!

Maybe have a look at what films are coming out, see if there's anything you'd like to go with DH to watch?

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 17:37:59


Fluffydressinggown Sun 31-Mar-13 20:55:03

Oh I am so happy you are better, my CMHT is amazing so hopefully yours will be.

DH has visited and we had a Chinese (chicken fried rice and spring rolls) and brought me two massive Easter eggs. Had a big cry with him, finding things so hard, feel like such a massive failure sometimes. Most times.

Nice staff on tonight and watching Grease.

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 21:35:25

You are the complete opposite of a failure, because you are still here, fighting harder than anyone has ever fought in their life.

Not looking good so far, the team didn't turn up to my transfer meeting! My CPN sent them a really arsey letter saying she had been trying to call them, had left messages they've not responded to etc... Looks like I'll just have to get pregnant and stay with the perinatal team wink

Enjoy a nice cup of tea, some choc and a film.

I'm staying with ILs as DP been away with work, SIL lives here and is an absolute nightmare spoilt brat teenager...only she's not a teenager, she's 22! Driving me insane!

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