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Feel so alone. Desperately need real life support I think.(8 Posts)
I'm married with 2 Dcs ages nearly 4 yrs and 2 months.
My husband is lovely but we don't communicate well. He gets annoyed easily and I hate rows and confrontation so many things get ignored as I can't face the row. I have a lot of baggage from my childhood and I coming to realise that I've got shockingly low self esteem. I can't talk to him about the past-I don't really want to: it's just a reason for my mental set up I think. If that makes sense....
I find everything a struggle and worry constantly what people think of me. I assume I'm a nuisance, that I'm in the way- will always step out d the way of others In shops at my own expense. I worry that my company isn't as good as another friend would be - I really don't why anyone would want to spend time with me. I am not being martyr, I genuinely feel this.
I don't help myself though, I am not a massive fan of other people's kids and suffering from emetephobia means I'd rather saw off my arm that invite friends with older kids around incase they puke everywhere or give the children bugs. Although that seems a bit irrelevant as I think they'd be bored at my house anyway and wouldn't really want to come. If they do I am ashamed of my place etc.
I feel like that about everyone. I don't like inviting people to my house or elsewhere as I assume they don't want to come and are just being polite. I do invite people and its usually ok but I worry constantly about them liking the event, the food and other things. This is normal for me and I am only just looking at it objectively to see how abnormal it is.
I can't go with the flow and enjoy anything. I'm constantly negative and never look fwd to arrangements/ outings and i find a reason why they won't be fun. Mostly I go through with things and wonder why I was worried am dreading it but it doesn't stop me feeling the same another time.
Dh and I need to decide what we do in future- re a house move, location to live etc and I am finding it impossible to face the upheaval of change required. I also worry that to move to a bigger house may mean I have to continue full time in my very demanding city job (after mat leave) when I want to see my children some of the time and don't want to feel like shite all the time ( due to long hours, I earn slightly more than DH) As we can't talk easily we aren't getting anywhere with the chat and decision and he's pissed off. He isn't replying to my texts today, he might be just busy but I now assume he wants to divorce me. I keep hearing cars outside and I think he is coming home early to pack his things. This is ridiculous I know.
I know I need to lighten up, stop worrying etc but its not that easy.
The point is - I've got all this stuff in my head and can't talk to DH nor anyone in RL as its so complicated and quite honestly I don't expect anyone to be interested. I don't want to lumbar anyone either.
I have done counselling before and could again ( once youngest is less reliant on me for feeds) but its a long road to organise.
No idea why I'm posting. I feel sad, lonely and worthless Tbh, typing this has made me see just how bad it is which is a good thing
I wondered previously if I had PND but I have so many good days it seems unlikely. If I upset DH I spiral out of control.
Not sure what I want from this post. It was good to acknowledge it.
I think you've described how you feel very well. You say your DH is lovely, how would it feel to show it to him?
I'm sorry you got me as first reply as I don't have much advice for you, just wanted to say everyone feels this way sometimes, although anxiety seems to be a little out of control. You seem like you have a lot on your plate ATM. Have you spoken to GP?
Thanks for your replies.
Not discussed with gp. I am not sure that I'd know where to start in a 10min apt....
Also not sure I could share this with DH. I would guess that he wouldn't understand why I've shared this with strangers and not him. Ironic really.
What might a gp do to help?
Could you write it all down on a piece of paper and show him, if you don't think he's understand you posting it on here?
I think it would do you good to be able to talk to a GP, they may be able to refer you for counselling?
I would consider organising a referral to a counsellor through the GP the first session is for up to half an hour and they determine which type of counselling you need in my case I need CBT and I am waiting on the sessions.
The NHS is very up for free counselling these days as it is recognised as cutting down on the cost of medications etc. This is nationwide.
The other thing is they diagnose what condition you have e.g. my neighbour went as I empowered him to go and he was diagnosed with hyper arousal anxiety. It makes you feel validated and understood after years of feeling crap!!
Firstly, I wanted to tell you that there is hope!
I can identify with a lot of what you say. I had CBT therapy which really helped. The professional that saw me specialised in "trauma", which I know sounds scary and I wouldn't classifymy own childhood as traumatic at all, but what she explained to me is that some of our experiences (or out perception of them) get so ingrained in our primitive brain that they become our "truths", it takes hard work to reprogram our minds. To move froma negative mindset intoa positive one.
I urge you to try a good CBT therapist, it is not a quick fix, you need to be committed to change, but it is a worthwhile investment.
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