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Help! I'm just not quick enough!(6 Posts)
Dont know if I'm posting in the right place, but I'm almost 30 and I still get stuck when trying to retort if someone speaks to me in a way that I don't like.
A recent example: we're house-hunting in a competitive rental market. I've seen a house I really like and want to view it but as there are tenants currently in the property, it's dragging on.
The property isnt ready to move into until March but it is being publicly advertised. I called the agent just and they said "Like I said to you yesterday" [this in a curt/huffy tone] "the house still has tenants in and is not ready to move into yet anyway"
It's then I said "I appreciate that. I also appreciate that your office is busy ... I don't want you to forget"
"We haven't forgotten"
It was only after I put the phone down that I thought I could have said 'well, if the tenants aren't ready to move yet, why is it being advertised?'
My issue isn't with the agent. This incident has just highlighted something about my responses that irritate me - in that I'm slow to retort and/or then make apologies for myself when I don't actually think I've really done anything wrong!
Help me, please!
I think you are like my DH, who hates confrontation.
I'm on the other hand are up for a fight and not afraid to say what I think.
also if you are British you were probably brought up to show no emotion/stiff upper lip/extreme politeness etc., but complaining by writing a letter.....so it might not be "you" as such, more like the culture/social expectations you grew up with.
problem is, if depending on someone like and estate agent, I'd feel I'd better be polite or they might retaliate and I'll loose out. so what to do?
I'm happy to practice with you! shall I insult you or just criticize? then you can give all you've got and won't hurt my feelings!
BTW my argumentative nature hasn't always served me well, so keeping the peace and being kind is what I have to learn, maybe you should teach me!!!!
Well, I am British but have an Irish background. I'm from a loving family; a very loving and very aggressive DM ... I was never physically abused as a child, but my DM would frighten me with her temper outburts when I was little (probably up to me being about 22yo!) My Dad is like me; quiet until seriously riled. I'm an only child. Academically an over-achiever, a people pleaser, developed a nasty eating disorder in my teens to mid-20s - all quite casebook, I suppose.
I think this is all relevant because I've never felt that I deal with things as well as my DM; like I don't put people in their place as I should.
yep, that all make sense, sadly!
you do need an outlet for your pent up resentment/anger that's stemming from you fears of not wanting to cross people.
you need to find a positive way to stand up for your self, take charge, be in control. (my sister battled with bulimia - she felt so hopeless about having no control over circumstances, she chose to control the only thing she could, her food intake. sounds familiar?)
I suggest you take part in an activity where you feel good about yourself, and the experience will boost your self-confidence.
you can join a choir, a dance class, baking class or acting club, anything that gives you a buzz and positive feelings.
you do need to also learn to say no. you do not need to please everyone.
if saying no makes you feel guilty think of it this way: do others say no to you? (I'm guessing they do) do you accept it? (you do)- well so will they, eventually!
if you want people to respect teach yourself to respect yourself first and be strong! you can do it, you are smart and capable.
I hope this is helpful, but I actually want to thank you for also helping me!
your story is actually quite the eye-opener for me to reign in my temper in order to avoid scaring & hurting the people I love the most, as I think I'm just like your mum, ooops!
I'm not necessarily dealing better with things, but as a creative person I'm quite passionate, impatient and highly strung - sounds like your mum? I'm sure she loves you so much and is very proud of you - maybe she never knew how her behaviour effected you! (it's only dawning on me now!)
so talk to her, I bet she'll be surprised to hear and I'm sure she'll be supportive and if your relationship gets even stronger that might be the only boost you need!
Thank-you so much for your constructive post
My DM and I have a history: we addressed a lot of things together a few years back. She is who she is. I completely accept that. I'm not sure if she's really satisfied with how I usually deal with things, despite what she says sometimes.
Her behaviour and actions in the past have contributed to problems I've had but I can't continue to blame her. Rather, I need to develop a way to override a quiet and sensitive nature when the need is there! And an outlet seems good ... I've always enjoyed acting and singing, so that could be a path to follow.
And for what it's worth, I adore my DM. When she's in a good, upbeat mood, there are few people who I'd rather spend my time with. She makes life very positive and exciting
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