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It's too hard

(175 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 19:29:15

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 22:07:38

I have got so used to hiding things from family and friends it would be so hard to open up. I'm just not like that, I've always kept things to myself. However there are a couple of friends, who I don't know as well, but they know I struggle and have said they are there if I need to talk. So I've texted them earlier and not heard back. I know they could be busy, have their own lives etc, but this is why I don't like reaching out. I end up feeling embarrassed, hurt and even more alone when I get ignored. I now feel I'm too needy, scared to go to bed then face tomorrow. It's too much, every week is just horrible. And I've been taking meds properly. I've felt less irritable but more depressed?!

amillionyears Sun 13-Jan-13 22:19:10

That is an interesting post you have just written GracieLoo.
First of all, well done, for keeping to your meds.

I dont know if you think they should be increased by your GP?
What do you think?

Am just starting to wonder, or realise that, aside from the depression,
you are a very gentle, tender soul. And get naturally hurt easily.
So perhaps we need to make you a bit tougher emotioanally.
Wont be able to start that tonight, but perhaps MN can help you with that part of your personality if you want us to.

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 22:30:22

I'll have to speak to cc about the meds, then she'll have to speak to psychiatrist. I care too much about what people think about me, I hate being judged by being a single mum, or that my job isn't that great, or that I've put on weight and people talk about me. I feel people don't like me much, or say bad stuff about me, including friends and health professionals. I dread work because of this too. I'm praying it snows badly so I can't go in. I want the mess in my head to go away, then I can have a normal life and maybe find someone who'll love me. But my head is staying a mess, and life is getting harder every day and I seriously don't know what to do. Ending it is the easy way out.

MumOfMissy Sun 13-Jan-13 23:27:30

It was brave of you to text your friends. Part of depression is always assuming the worst, maybe they were out, busy, phone on silent or just holding off till they think what to reply. The best people to tell though are the people who know you best and care most about you. Why are u afraid to open up? If they know the score, they can help support you more and lighten the burden you are feeling. Please don't keep going through this without their love and support. Aside from that, this may sound strange but although all of us on here want to help you, you must above trust and heed the advice of the professionals. Counselling a person through depression requires great skill. I highly recommend CBT. We done with your meds, you may feel worse or numb on them before feeling better, keep going. And please try to remember that your horrible thoughts are the illness talking and not the 'real you', and the feelings that people don't like you are not true. Again CBT can help with these negative assumptions. Please, please confide in those closest to you and let them help you. I wish you all the best. I'll pop back here again and see how you are. I have to sign off now, baby waking. ((Hugs)))

MumOfMissy Sun 13-Jan-13 23:28:36

*Should say "well done with your meds"

lizba Mon 14-Jan-13 14:00:43

Hi, how are you feeling today? Thinking about you and hoping you've got some help - let us know how you are

GracieLoo Mon 14-Jan-13 21:44:56

Thanks everyone for taking time to respond to my ramblings. I'm scared to worry my family, i would feel they would always treat me differently, talk about me, and not completely understand how I could feel like this when I've got a healthy dd.

Feeling more and more detached, more scared, less able to distract myself. Managed work today, but was so desperate for the day to end. Getting anxious about getting a new cc as well.

GracieLoo Mon 14-Jan-13 22:05:22

Also my friends still haven't replied, I know I shouldn't have told them I felt bad about dd's dad and partner having a baby, they don't care and I don't expect them to. That's all I said, not that I have plans in my head about how I would end it! I have no one to tell that, apart from on here!

amillionyears Mon 14-Jan-13 22:18:56

does your mum know how you truly feel about things?

GracieLoo Mon 14-Jan-13 22:35:46

No. Getting anxious every night about going to bed and having to wake up in the morning.

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 13:20:05

Having a bad day. Cried before work and broke down when I got there, so embarrassed, didn't want anyone to see but I couldn't hide it. Was allowed to have lesser duties which makes me feel I can't do my job. Feeling drained now, want to be at home. Want to contact my cc but don't know what to say or what she'll do.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 16:38:40

Will hopefully reply again later when I feel a bit better.

But this thread is currently running. I have no idea if any of it is of any help to you personally.

lizba Tue 15-Jan-13 16:39:36

Gracie, how would you feel if it was one of your friends who felt like this and they didn't say anything? Please try to speak to someone in real life - you just have an imbalance at the moment that can be sorted - is there anything we can do to help?

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 20:27:48

But people will ask me questions and I don't know the answers, I don't know why I feel like this, what's wrong with me or how I can get better. Today was hard, didn't think things could get worse and I feel they are. Want to end this so badly, but I can't even get that right, too scared. Just realised I haven't had dinner, so might just have something then an early night, might help a bit but I doubt it.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 21:19:26

What do the medical professionals say about you, if it is all right for me or us to ask you that.
Please dont reply to that if you dont want to.

And yes, have some dinner and an early night.

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 21:41:36

Trying to answer but don't know what to say. They're probably fed up with me. They say I need to improve my self esteem, talk over issues and that I don't really want to end it, I just want to escape from everything. Writing this is making me cry! It's so hard opening up to professionals and expecting to get better then for it not to happen. Its been nearly four years since I started seeking help. Feeling very low at the moment, and really don't feel right but when I feel like this I don't know what to do.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 21:50:02

That was the point I was coming to as well.
I think I have realised, that even if you didnt have depression, that you do have self esteem issues.

I do also wonder, like them, and like others have said on here, that if you open up to people in rl, that they will support you.
It does sound to me like you have some nice normal friends?

In fact, out of everything, I am wondering if your self esteem is more of an issue than the depression?

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 22:00:09

I would like to tell a friend when I feel this bad but I wouldn't just blurt it out and I wouldn't want to burden anyone.

I know self esteem is an issue, but I think I've scored highly on the depression questionaires. I cry for no reason and can't stop, sleep too much or can't sleep, feel life is pointless and have lots of suicidal thoughts. SH has been an ongoing issue too. I don't even don't what being depressed is meant to feel like but I know I feel absolutely crap and see no hope.

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 22:24:12

I know I should stop posting but got to get this out of my head. So, so desperate now, feel like I can't even wait til the morning til I speak to someone, but I've got to wait til then. Having visions of dd living with her dad, got thoughts of dressing her nicely in morning cos might be last time I see her (that sounds so awful!!), imagining putting pill after pill in my mouth, thinking who I can ask to collect her from nursery tomorrow.

Please, please. I hate this. What's happened to me? In bed now but feel myself burning up, really tense, want to cut to release some of this tension. So sorry for putting this but it helps in some way

Badvoc Tue 15-Jan-13 22:34:40

Phone someone op.
A family member, anyone.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 22:35:20

I think you have depression badly, and self esteem issues which stop you reaching out to people around you.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 15-Jan-13 22:53:03

Phone your GP and take down the out of hours number from the message (that's how ours works anyway). Or look in phone book/on net for your local out of hours service. Or ring 111, answer the questions they will ask you as honestly as you can, make it clear you are having seriously bad thoughts, and they will take it from there.

I think you may be a mh emergency... hugs and warm wishes

GracieLoo Wed 16-Jan-13 09:59:22

Woke up feeling like I hadn't slept. Got dd ready, made her packed lunch, took her to nursery, just like all the others mums. But now sat feeling lost, can't think straight and don't know what to do. Loads I could be doing but it all feels pointless. Got phone infront of me but I don't know what to say to cc. She'll just tell me to go to gym or something, and if I don't I'm not listening to their advice. Making a cup of tea just now was hard enough, I can't face going out.

Badvoc Wed 16-Jan-13 10:03:43

Phone your gp,op

GracieLoo Wed 16-Jan-13 10:22:02

I spoke to my care coordinator. She's asked me if there's anything I could do in the house, just a small job, then she's ringing me back in a couple of hours to see if I managed it. Also said to increase my meds if I feel I need to. I haven't moved off the sofa yet, thinking about it. Trouble is took my tablet and a diazepam and I feel like throwing up.

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