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I'm pregnant and DH doesn't know what his depression will let him do

(31 Posts)
hhhhhhh Wed 26-Dec-12 21:21:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hhhhhhh Tue 08-Jan-13 20:36:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyrooUK Tue 08-Jan-13 18:08:20

Monthly, thank you so much for updating. I know it is horribly sad news to update us on, but I have been thinking about what a very difficult situation you were in, so thank you for letting us know.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is a terrible thing to happen to anyone, no matter how conflicted they may be about being pregnant. I have had miscarriages myself and I found the miscarriage/loss boards on Mumsnet to be wonderful in terms of people supporting me and understanding. Although I have lots of amazing RL friends who would have been supportive, when I miscarried, I was so devastated that I couldn't even open up to those people I love. Being able to write it down on Mumsnet really did help. I hope you also find some support over the next few days/weeks/months/years.

I didn't comment earlier on this thread about your DH because having struggled to conceive myself, I find it so hard to be objective about a situation in which someone could actively TTC then suggest an abortion. I'm not judging your DH because he clearly has a great deal of anxiety about his depression and recovery, but it isn't a situation where I felt comfortable about giving good advice.

Obviously whether you TTC again soon or in a while is up to you. I took six months after my last miscarriage before starting to TTC because I needed that time to mourn the baby I lost. I needed to get to a stage where I remembered good things about life for its own sake before trying again. I needed that time for my head to clear.

Also, I think it would be good for you to know that your DH is there with you 100% on any possible future: a future baby, another possible miscarriage and how you both want your family to grow in future, whatever that means. Only because having a child is hard work as well as wonderful, there can be bad times on the way like miscarriages and for me it's vital to know that no matter how hard it gets, my DH was there with me all along.

Again, I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. It's clear you are trying very hard to think about your DH and his feelings and also match those with your own. I really hope you feel better soon. Take care.

Letsmakecookies Tue 08-Jan-13 17:03:52

So sorry to hear that. FWIW. I would advise waiting before ttc again. I totally understand you feel you want to, need to. I ended up ttc immediately after a miscarriage (where I was very alone in the pregnancy emotionally), and got pregnant very quickly. My xh had/s depression amongst many other things (I didn't know that then), and I wish now with hindsight that I had waited, given myself time to sort out my feelings - tbh I think I would have (and should have) ended the marriage if I had listened to my gut feelings. Instead I had two children and the marriage inevitably failed, because he was totally unable to be the family man I (and I suppose he) wanted him to be leaving me a single mother from the word go. But whatever you decide lots of luck xx

Crawling Tue 08-Jan-13 11:38:59

oh im so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself, and again im really sorry for you.

hhhhhhh Tue 08-Jan-13 10:29:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crawling Mon 07-Jan-13 08:11:18

Just to say as someone who has severe mental health issues and has had a termination I didn't want please don't have a termination for him, a termination is a very hard thing to do and if you have one for him the anger hurt and guilt will probably put a end to the relationship.

After my termination I couldn't even look at the father and our relationship ended and he wasn't the one who forced me but I blamed him amongst others. you should only ever terminate if you are 100% sure its what YOU want.

Wafflenose Sun 06-Jan-13 21:56:25

I have been away for a week, so have only just found your latest message. I hope you are OK.

Letsmakecookies Sun 06-Jan-13 18:20:41

Sweetie. I felt like sobbing for you when I read your last post, with all of that turmoil going around losing the pregnancy and hospital appointments, and the last two paragraphs were still all about HIM. You sound like you have really lost yourself in all of this. I really hope you are ok, and that you have had the support for YOU that you need right now, and that you have had support through YOUR feelings. xx

RubyrooUK Sun 06-Jan-13 18:01:45

Are you alright Monthly? I read your other thread and then this one but didn't know what to post. I see you haven't posted for a while so just wanted to see if you are ok...?

hhhhhhh Fri 28-Dec-12 21:44:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wafflenose Fri 28-Dec-12 19:13:22

I don't have much advice, but I didn't want to read and run.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm glad you DH is trying to get some help and sort himself out, even though he is being incredibly unsupportive at the moment.

I spent all of my teens and 20s severely depressed, was on ADs for eight years, had a breakdown followed by CBT etc, but knew I had to sort it out if I wanted kids. I had a year of expensive therapy, during which time I fell pregnant, and I really did manage to get myself together. So I know what it's like to be that bad, and with determination it CAN be overcome. I think your DH needs to concentrate hard on his recovery, which it sounds like he was planning to do anyway. You need to look after yourself and concentrate on the baby.

Who knows what kind of dad he will be? Like you say, he might be brilliant. He might not cope. I don't think it's clear just yet, but please don't end your pregnancy just because he wants you to.

FiercePanda Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:16

This sounds less and less about his depression and more about him and his inability to cope with the thought of being a father. Your DH says he loves you, but he should not be putting you through this emotional mess just because he keeps changing his mind. Throughout his depression he's managed to stay on top of his AD's, keep his job going and stay in his relationship with you, so he's not completely bound or defined by his illness, certainly not in the way he's suggesting now (whether his depression will "let" him be a dad, or "let" him love you when he's well).

For what it's worth, my DP behaved in a very similar manner to yours when we found out I was pregnant. It was unplanned and at the worst possible time work/study-wise, and he just couldn't deal with it at all. I stuck by him (although with hindsight I wish that I hadn't, as I think he needed the sharp shock of me leaving him to make him wake up) and in the end things did work out - he's a fantastic partner and father now, seven years on. He did make my pregnancy absolute hell with his constant mood-swings, refusal to talk about "it", too terrified to even feel our son moving and kicking inside me and that's something I still find very difficult. If I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever forgive him completely for making something that should have been so special so terrifying. I was walking on eggshells from the moment I POAS to the moment DS was born. (As a disclaimer, I have to say that everything changed as soon as DS was born - literally, the second the MW put him on my chest, something changed in my DP, his whole demeanour and attitude changed god knows it needed to. He is, genuinely, a brilliant Dad and partner now, and is even excited about having another baby, so I'm not saying your DP can't change, I'm saying you shouldn't have to be dealing with him right now. He hasn't got a clue how he's making you feel, it's all about his feelings, and his fears).

First time pregnancy is as frightening as it is exciting and you need to have unfailing support around you, not find yourself constantly scared to talk about it or feel excited about your baby because you're worried your DP will throw a wobbly "I can't cope!" tantrum and leave you high and dry.

Hoophopes Fri 28-Dec-12 15:57:57

Hi - a booking appointment is just that, I would have thought a gp as good as a midwife. I found midwife just filled in forms at my booking in appointment, as they don't do anything here until you see them after 12 week scan, so guess the gp will book you the 12 week dating scan on nhs. I saw midwife then at week 16. Could you talk to the gp about how you are feeling and about your husband, to see if that gives you some support or reassurance? Personally I found the midwife very factual, giving little time more than she had to etc in my pregnancy - which shocked me. I guess I went into pregnancy with romantic views, not helped by unrealistic tv programmes, forgetting it is a job for nhs people and why should they be excited for me!! it took me time to feel excited, as was so worried etc - so try not to worry that you don't feel how you think you should feel, everyone has a different pregnancy journey. If you have a partner who has health issues, then getting support for yourself might be important, hence letting the gp or midwife know how things are for you might be helpful.

BettySuarez Fri 28-Dec-12 14:23:06

You deserve to feel happy.

This is your much longed for child, something so precious and wonderful.

You should be feeling excitement, awe, wonderment. Not feeling angry and resentful or guilty.

I think you should start to surround yourself only with people who can be excited for you, happy for you.

It doesn't sound as if your partner is going to be that person - sorry sad

hhhhhhh Fri 28-Dec-12 11:33:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hhhhhhh Wed 26-Dec-12 23:30:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoophopes Wed 26-Dec-12 23:28:06

As the counselling is helping your dh can you ask your dh to focus on talking to the counsellor in the next few sessions about his feelings about the baby/termination/effect of his request on his marriage etc. If it has helped him so much recently then it might help him get over his fear or emotions that have meant he is considering a termination is good for him?

You say you are concerned about how you will cope physically with a pregnancy, especially if you continue it and have no support from your dh. Well, when you meet your midwife for your initial booking in appointment could you tell her that your dh is depressed, what he is asking you to do and how confused you are. Also about how your physical condition may (or may not) deteriorate and about needing more support. Then the midwife can refer you to the appropriate places for support - for you and your family if it is considered necessary?

hhhhhhh Wed 26-Dec-12 23:26:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susanann Wed 26-Dec-12 23:24:29

TBH i cant really understand why you decided to try for a baby when you are in this situation. Yes I understand you want one, but really how will you cope with a baby and a mentally unstable husband? I dont mean to sound unkind but you need to think of you and your baby now. Good luck

helpyourself Wed 26-Dec-12 23:07:19

What if he doesn't love me when the baby comes?
You get a divorce and you might find someone else, you might not. You could terminate this pregnancy, never fall pregnant again and ^he might still fall out of love with you. Don't try and work out what he wants or what he might feel- you can't. Concentrate on your feelings.

helpyourself Wed 26-Dec-12 23:03:35

I was on your previous thread. I think you have to really step away. The stakes are too high and he's too volatile emotionally. It's not his fault, he is trying, but really, you can't attach your future happiness to him.

HandbagCrab Wed 26-Dec-12 22:58:41

This all sounds very hard op. I think you have been there for him for a decade when he has had untreated depression and he is now saying he doesn't know if he loves you or not? I assume you have been supporting him emotionally, practically and financially throughout that time. He will know you will need more support whilst pregnant and when the baby is born and he is telling you he doesn't think he can do that.

It sounds like your relationship set up is that you give and he takes. If you think this cannot change then you need to decide if you can continue to carry him and deal with your disability whilst being pregnant and then bringing up your dc.

If I were you I would consider some personal counselling to try and clarify to yourself what you want from your life and your relationship and whether you want to keep your baby. Best wishes.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 26-Dec-12 22:57:29

A baby may or may not make your DH happy.
A termination may or may not make your DH happy.
He has no idea what would be good for him.

So you have to rely on what is good for YOU.
What do you want?

Bluestocking Wed 26-Dec-12 22:49:01

Can I be brutal? What on earth is this joyless, soul-sucking waste of space bringing to your life? If he is genuinely depressed, what is he doing to get better?

Showtime Wed 26-Dec-12 22:42:50

I wish you a happy pregnancy, whether or not your DH is interested.

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