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I'm pregnant and DH doesn't know what his depression will let him do

(31 Posts)
hhhhhhh Wed 26-Dec-12 21:21:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poppycat04 Wed 26-Dec-12 21:25:37

This sounds totally and utterly all about him. What about you? What do you want? Congratulations by the way.

poppycat04 Wed 26-Dec-12 21:33:54

Am bumping for you

BettySuarez Wed 26-Dec-12 21:42:49

I remember your previous thread, congratulations on your pregnancy smile

I do sympathise with your DH's mental health issues but you obviously want this pregnancy very much indeed and it is desperately unfair of him to be constantly changing his mind.

I think you need to make it clear to him that you intend to have this baby. With or without him if necessary.

He needs to be channelling his energy on getting himself better and preparing for his role as an active and supportive father.

Not dithering about this pregnancy and chopping and changing his mind. He has spent the last 12 months actively trying to get you pregnant for gods sake angry

I wonder if his depression has made him a big self centred? Am I right in thinking that he refuses to take AD's?

CheckpointCharlie Wed 26-Dec-12 21:43:45

This is so sad, can you talk to a gp about it? Is he on any medication?
I don't thinking aborting your baby will help your DH as he sounds so up and down, imagine if he then got better, the guilt you would both feel would be terrible. (I am completely pro choice btw).

I am sorry it haven't been in that situation myself but have had PND and AND so understand those kinds of feelings.

Northernlebkuchen Wed 26-Dec-12 21:51:45

As somebody who has had three wanted pregnancies I can tell you that you CANNOT end a pregnancy for somebody else and hope to get away unscathed. Clearly your dh is struggling but don't be tempted to trade your mental health for his. Having a termination you don't want could seriously screw you up.

I think your dh needs to make some decisions about how he can take care of himself at this point. Expecting the baby just to go away won't help either of you.

Showtime Wed 26-Dec-12 22:42:50

I wish you a happy pregnancy, whether or not your DH is interested.

Bluestocking Wed 26-Dec-12 22:49:01

Can I be brutal? What on earth is this joyless, soul-sucking waste of space bringing to your life? If he is genuinely depressed, what is he doing to get better?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 26-Dec-12 22:57:29

A baby may or may not make your DH happy.
A termination may or may not make your DH happy.
He has no idea what would be good for him.

So you have to rely on what is good for YOU.
What do you want?

HandbagCrab Wed 26-Dec-12 22:58:41

This all sounds very hard op. I think you have been there for him for a decade when he has had untreated depression and he is now saying he doesn't know if he loves you or not? I assume you have been supporting him emotionally, practically and financially throughout that time. He will know you will need more support whilst pregnant and when the baby is born and he is telling you he doesn't think he can do that.

It sounds like your relationship set up is that you give and he takes. If you think this cannot change then you need to decide if you can continue to carry him and deal with your disability whilst being pregnant and then bringing up your dc.

If I were you I would consider some personal counselling to try and clarify to yourself what you want from your life and your relationship and whether you want to keep your baby. Best wishes.

helpyourself Wed 26-Dec-12 23:03:35

I was on your previous thread. I think you have to really step away. The stakes are too high and he's too volatile emotionally. It's not his fault, he is trying, but really, you can't attach your future happiness to him.

helpyourself Wed 26-Dec-12 23:07:19

What if he doesn't love me when the baby comes?
You get a divorce and you might find someone else, you might not. You could terminate this pregnancy, never fall pregnant again and ^he might still fall out of love with you. Don't try and work out what he wants or what he might feel- you can't. Concentrate on your feelings.

susanann Wed 26-Dec-12 23:24:29

TBH i cant really understand why you decided to try for a baby when you are in this situation. Yes I understand you want one, but really how will you cope with a baby and a mentally unstable husband? I dont mean to sound unkind but you need to think of you and your baby now. Good luck

hhhhhhh Wed 26-Dec-12 23:26:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoophopes Wed 26-Dec-12 23:28:06

As the counselling is helping your dh can you ask your dh to focus on talking to the counsellor in the next few sessions about his feelings about the baby/termination/effect of his request on his marriage etc. If it has helped him so much recently then it might help him get over his fear or emotions that have meant he is considering a termination is good for him?

You say you are concerned about how you will cope physically with a pregnancy, especially if you continue it and have no support from your dh. Well, when you meet your midwife for your initial booking in appointment could you tell her that your dh is depressed, what he is asking you to do and how confused you are. Also about how your physical condition may (or may not) deteriorate and about needing more support. Then the midwife can refer you to the appropriate places for support - for you and your family if it is considered necessary?

hhhhhhh Wed 26-Dec-12 23:30:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hhhhhhh Fri 28-Dec-12 11:33:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySuarez Fri 28-Dec-12 14:23:06

You deserve to feel happy.

This is your much longed for child, something so precious and wonderful.

You should be feeling excitement, awe, wonderment. Not feeling angry and resentful or guilty.

I think you should start to surround yourself only with people who can be excited for you, happy for you.

It doesn't sound as if your partner is going to be that person - sorry sad

Hoophopes Fri 28-Dec-12 15:57:57

Hi - a booking appointment is just that, I would have thought a gp as good as a midwife. I found midwife just filled in forms at my booking in appointment, as they don't do anything here until you see them after 12 week scan, so guess the gp will book you the 12 week dating scan on nhs. I saw midwife then at week 16. Could you talk to the gp about how you are feeling and about your husband, to see if that gives you some support or reassurance? Personally I found the midwife very factual, giving little time more than she had to etc in my pregnancy - which shocked me. I guess I went into pregnancy with romantic views, not helped by unrealistic tv programmes, forgetting it is a job for nhs people and why should they be excited for me!! it took me time to feel excited, as was so worried etc - so try not to worry that you don't feel how you think you should feel, everyone has a different pregnancy journey. If you have a partner who has health issues, then getting support for yourself might be important, hence letting the gp or midwife know how things are for you might be helpful.

FiercePanda Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:16

This sounds less and less about his depression and more about him and his inability to cope with the thought of being a father. Your DH says he loves you, but he should not be putting you through this emotional mess just because he keeps changing his mind. Throughout his depression he's managed to stay on top of his AD's, keep his job going and stay in his relationship with you, so he's not completely bound or defined by his illness, certainly not in the way he's suggesting now (whether his depression will "let" him be a dad, or "let" him love you when he's well).

For what it's worth, my DP behaved in a very similar manner to yours when we found out I was pregnant. It was unplanned and at the worst possible time work/study-wise, and he just couldn't deal with it at all. I stuck by him (although with hindsight I wish that I hadn't, as I think he needed the sharp shock of me leaving him to make him wake up) and in the end things did work out - he's a fantastic partner and father now, seven years on. He did make my pregnancy absolute hell with his constant mood-swings, refusal to talk about "it", too terrified to even feel our son moving and kicking inside me and that's something I still find very difficult. If I'm honest, I don't think I'll ever forgive him completely for making something that should have been so special so terrifying. I was walking on eggshells from the moment I POAS to the moment DS was born. (As a disclaimer, I have to say that everything changed as soon as DS was born - literally, the second the MW put him on my chest, something changed in my DP, his whole demeanour and attitude changed god knows it needed to. He is, genuinely, a brilliant Dad and partner now, and is even excited about having another baby, so I'm not saying your DP can't change, I'm saying you shouldn't have to be dealing with him right now. He hasn't got a clue how he's making you feel, it's all about his feelings, and his fears).

First time pregnancy is as frightening as it is exciting and you need to have unfailing support around you, not find yourself constantly scared to talk about it or feel excited about your baby because you're worried your DP will throw a wobbly "I can't cope!" tantrum and leave you high and dry.

Wafflenose Fri 28-Dec-12 19:13:22

I don't have much advice, but I didn't want to read and run.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm glad you DH is trying to get some help and sort himself out, even though he is being incredibly unsupportive at the moment.

I spent all of my teens and 20s severely depressed, was on ADs for eight years, had a breakdown followed by CBT etc, but knew I had to sort it out if I wanted kids. I had a year of expensive therapy, during which time I fell pregnant, and I really did manage to get myself together. So I know what it's like to be that bad, and with determination it CAN be overcome. I think your DH needs to concentrate hard on his recovery, which it sounds like he was planning to do anyway. You need to look after yourself and concentrate on the baby.

Who knows what kind of dad he will be? Like you say, he might be brilliant. He might not cope. I don't think it's clear just yet, but please don't end your pregnancy just because he wants you to.

hhhhhhh Fri 28-Dec-12 21:44:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyrooUK Sun 06-Jan-13 18:01:45

Are you alright Monthly? I read your other thread and then this one but didn't know what to post. I see you haven't posted for a while so just wanted to see if you are ok...?

Letsmakecookies Sun 06-Jan-13 18:20:41

Sweetie. I felt like sobbing for you when I read your last post, with all of that turmoil going around losing the pregnancy and hospital appointments, and the last two paragraphs were still all about HIM. You sound like you have really lost yourself in all of this. I really hope you are ok, and that you have had the support for YOU that you need right now, and that you have had support through YOUR feelings. xx

Wafflenose Sun 06-Jan-13 21:56:25

I have been away for a week, so have only just found your latest message. I hope you are OK.

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