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Planning - what would you do?

(229 Posts)
funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 16:32:40

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

natsyloo Tue 01-Jan-13 20:27:17

You sound like an intelligent, self-aware person who has coped, and continues to cope remarkably well through a really difficult experience. I have some knowledge of how you feel as a 'high achiever' who has a good set of credentials against my name and was completely blown sideways by PND a couple of years ago.

I can't pretend to imagine I fully understand all that you're going through but I think, despite the pain of your current situation, you do still have a grip on the 'real' you...the one that is behind this horrible illness and the person you need to hang on to.

Keep talking, keep asking for help, keep hanging on in there because you are worth it and your family loves you very much.

I too would do well to remember that my job doesn't define me. We are all many things and it's really easy to get wrapped up in achievement, expectations and all that comes with this. You're good enough just the way you are. This will get better. Take each minute as it comes and keep asking for help.

Millie2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:27:36

What a silly, insensitive bitch!!!! What the hell is she doing in a job like that? I'm fuming on your behalf!! Do you feel that you can complain? Or is there someone who can say something on your behalf? Just what you need when you couldn't feel much shitter, is someone to make you feel that bit worse.

I once had a psychiatrist who, after a history not dissimilar to yours, told me that there was nothing wrong with me, I had issues with self control and time management. OH (having been through the above with me) went batshit at him and basically called him incompetent. I can actually laugh about it now, as it's so ridiculous, but at the time, it really made me question my treatment, diagnosis and right to be there. I do think that some so-called mental health professionals really shouldn't be in their jobs, as clearly have their own issues to sort out before they can help others. Sadly, the field does tend to attract such people.

If you need shed loads of tranquilisers to get through the day at the moment, then so be it, don't feel bad about this, as they exist for a reason and it won't be forever..

While I hate to say "I know how you feel". because I don't. nobody does, some of what you have posted really resonates with me and I have been in a similar place at times. I am now doing ok, not brilliantly, but I am well enough and have finally found a brilliant therapist who is helping me to work through my issues and never once has she dismissed anything I have told her (despite a lot of it being nonsense at times ;)) So please, please don't give up. I still have hold of your hand xx

funnymum71 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:35:23

I did challenge her, but I came home so damned upset it had done more harm than good. I'll be telling the CT that I don't want to see her again and I will be saying why.

I just wish I could get past this stage where every other thought is about killing myself, I really do. I know I can get past it, I've done it before, but its so hard when you're stuck in it and you can start to forget how it is when things are good.

It upset me as it tapped into my fears that perhaps I'm not good enough. I'm so vunerable to criticism, because my sense of self is slightly warped at the moment. I can't take it from the people who are meant to be supporting me.

funnymum71 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:43:28

it really made me question my treatment, diagnosis and right to be there.

^ That. Exactly that.

No one else in the team has made me feel like that. If its job stress, why am I on anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers? Why did I go downhill when I fucked about with them as I decided I could do without? Why didn't I have job stress before I was stupid enough to do that?

Bollocks to her.

Fluffydressinggown Tue 01-Jan-13 21:20:20

Sorry that person was so rubbish. I have had a similar experience with some people from the CT. I think part of their role is a bit of 'tough love' because some people need it, you and I on the other hand maybe don't. It is very hurtful though and really makes you question yourself.

I have got far more assertive these days and I just say 'ok, but I still feel how I feel and that is not normal for me so I need the extra support'

You can request not to see specific people, I have it written into my crisis team file the people not to see me, they have been very good about it, not everyone meshes with everyone.

Sorry you are still struggling, take care of yourself.

Hoophopes Tue 01-Jan-13 21:51:44

Sorry you met one of the useless CT people - I have found the CT can be great, but the problem is that you see so many different people and some of them, as you have found out, are not very good at their jobs!! I refuse to see some people of the CT because they are not helpful and the CT know that now as I have made complaints about them!!

Are you taking your medication now ok and does it help when it is at the right level?

Millie2013 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:53:06

I'll be telling the CT that I don't want to see her again and I will be saying why.

Good for you, they need to know and some patients wouldn't have the courage to speak out. I'm really pleased that you are going to try smile and I can't imagine it will be easy

Bollocks to her.

Quite. Of the big, hairy variety!!

I just wish I could get past this stage where every other thought is about killing myself, I really do. I know I can get past it, I've done it before, but its so hard when you're stuck in it and you can start to forget how it is when things are good.

You can get through this stage sweets, I promise you that, but in order to do so, you need consistent help from the right people, you simply can't do it on your own. And you are good enough, even if good enough right now means getting through one day at a time, with the help of your meds, because unless people have been there, in my opinion, nobody knows quite how bloody hard this is and what an achievement it is!

How has today been for you? Big hug, in case you need one xx

funnymum71 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:55:03

I am so, so low. I've spent the whole day pretending everything is OK but inside there's just nothing there at all. If you'd have met me or spoken to me today you'd never have known what was going on in my head. I've been my humerous self. I have such firm plans for tomorrow now that I don't see any other route to take. A tiny voice is telling me to call the CT, but I think they believe I'm just making it up and attention seeking and calling them will prove them right. If I talk to my friends they'll want to stop me. If I speak to DH it will upset and worry him. I've come this far and I don't see another way out.

funnymum71 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:15:33

I've told DH. I think he's going to call the CT for me. This is just so ridiculous now, it needs to stop. I need to pull myself out of this. I have small children FFS. I can't do this to them.

Fluffydressinggown Wed 02-Jan-13 21:16:36

You know you must ring the crisis team now.

funnymum71 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:47:03

I called the CT, explained the situation, explained what my plans are and have asked for a call at a certain time to disrupt the whole plan thing.

I still think they don't believe I'm ill. I think they believe I'm just putting it on. I think they believe I'm attention seeking. I don't trust anyone at the moment.

Fluffydressinggown Wed 02-Jan-13 21:58:32

They do believe you are unwell. You deserve this help.

Be safe x

Hoophopes Wed 02-Jan-13 22:27:56

Everyone under the CT is ill, and you too are ill. Hope you get the support you need right now and tomorrow.

Millie2013 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:17

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much sad and I wonder if the worries about being believed are part of the problem itself, as I have experienced similar and I have heard others say the same. What you are going through is very real, you are not attention seeking or putting it on, but I do think it is hard to believe how real it is, when you are in the habit of putting on the brave face. You don't need to be seen falling apart to the rest of the world for this not to be real. Or sufficiently serious to warrant help

And as I said above, you can't pull yourself out of this on your own, nor should you expect yourself to, it's just too much

Did the CT phone you when they were meant to? And what are the longer term plans for your care? and most importantly, how are you feeling now?

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:06:58

Well today turned out spectacularly badly. Went to the station to jump in front of a train. All of the fucking trains were delayed. Crisis team called and I told them where I was so they kept me talking until the police arrived. Police took me to local psych hospital. Didn't section me as I didn't kick up a fuss when they arrived. Crisis team and Psych turned up (one I'd not met before) and they assessed me as safe to go home. No places in local hospitals.
So I'm back at home. Still suicidal. Still not safe. I give in I really do. I've just lost the will to fight this any more.

Fluffydressinggown Thu 03-Jan-13 18:50:03

You have done so well to stay alive today, the fact that you are talking to people means you want to be here.

Is your husband around all day to look after you? Are your children being looked after? When are crisis coming tomorrow?

Millie2013 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:50:21

So sorry to hear this, but I do struggle to accept that you are well enough to be discharged with clear suicidal intent sad Did you put on your "I'm ok" face to the psych?

I won't let you give in, you can give in on today, because it sounds like a pile of shite, but please try and find an ounce of fight from somewhere, even if just to get through one minute at a time

I have recently been cursing late trains (London Midland are on my hit list), but I am so relieved that they were delayed today, because it means that you are still here. Even if you wish you weren't right now, there are people out here who care about you and want to see you out of this horrible, horrible hole xx

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 19:04:01

Hey- could have been reading about myself. So sorry you are being tortured like this. Can't live with the meds, can't live without them even more! I had a relapse last year after fiddling with my meds and I'm too terrified to ever do it again. Nearly cost me my life too.
The CT are so general in their training that they quite often muck it up. Listen to those that help you and DISMISS those that don't.
Where do you live if you don't mind me asking? Sounds like you need a place to escape to until you stabilise again.
As someone said, take tranqs as much as poss until your meds work again, then worry about coming off them when you are better. I have come off high doses ok before.
Bless you so much- let me know if you are near Exeter in any shape or form and we'll have coffee xxx

natsyloo Thu 03-Jan-13 19:48:14

I just wanted to reiterate what everyone is seeing - please find the strength within just to get through this. I know you feel completely out on a limb but you are poorly and you need help to get you out of this nasty place.

So many people care about you and want you to be well. Although it feels like a lonely, desperate place, there is a way back from this and you just have to take each teeny step at a time.


natsyloo Thu 03-Jan-13 19:48:55

Sorry, meant saying not seeing.

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:20:15

I've had a call from them this evening to sort out a meeting tomorrow. They've said I need to think about what I'm doing as its not fair on the person on the CT who gets put into the position of having someone threatening to end it all and having to get the police involved.

I know. I know all of this. If I could snap out of this fucking thing I would, I really would. The appointment is out in town and I don't know even if I'm safe leaving the house. I am sure they must think I'm just putting it on or something or they wouldn't be leaving me high and dry like this and I wish I was sodding well putting it on.

I'm just living this mad dual life again where I'm not talking to my friends about it as I just can't carry on as I must seem so fucking needy and attention seeking. DH doesn't know. My parents don't know. How can I say to them, "oh by the way I was pulled off a station by the police today." I just don't know what to do any more, I really don't.

Other than the CT this is the only place left that I can actually say what I am thinking, and even then I wonder whether I'm coming across as a complete drama llama.

GracieLoo Thu 03-Jan-13 20:30:27

So sorry to hear how desperate you are. I have been there. One of my fears is close family being told. What have they said about involving your dh as there are children involved too? I have so much in my head I would hate family to know, but when I get so close, I have a niggle that if I survive this would LO be taken away from me. I know its hard, but think of your kids when they're ill, or need their mum, and you won't be there. Xx

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 20:34:20

No, not a drama llama at all. I have been there and I recognise a lot of what you are saying, and it seems totally normal to me for someone with MH issues. As I said previously I could have written the above, and I am in touch with a lot of other women who would find the things you have described as completely typical in your position.
You don't want to feel like this, you don't want to be looked after or under the care of the CT. You want a normal life with your family and to be happy and not suicidal. Who would choose to feel like you do?
Are you near Exeter? I would so love to meet you so you could have another vent for talking about you feel without judgement or having to put on a front.
It is not attention seeking - who would want that kind of attention! You are poorly.

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:38:30

Sadly peachy, I'm a very long way from Exeter. I'd struggle to meet anyway. I don't even want to meet my friends. Meeting them means pretending and I KNOW they would say that I didn't have to, but I really can't.

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 20:41:30

You don't know me so don't have to pretend! Fancy a phone chat? I'm not a weirdo stalker honest!!!

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