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Planning - what would you do?(229 Posts)
I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.
I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.
I'm not feeling so great today. Couldn't sleep last much with all of that stuff going on in my head, so couldn't wake up this morning either. I need someone to talk to about everything that's happened over the last month, but don't have access to anyone to do that now.
The thoughts of self harm are still there even though I wouldn't act on them, but they're now bundled together with some really uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment. It's a really edgy and anxious place to be. While I'm pleased that I'm not in crisis anymore, this is a time when I really could do with some support.
I'm running short of PRN but need to see a completely different psych to the one I've been seeing since Dec as they're only attached to the CT. The psych I'll see now I've only meet one before and that was when I was really up so don't know them at all and don't even know when I may be able to see him.
You know in cartoons when someone is running and they run off a cliff, but they don't realise straight away and run on thin air before dropping to the ground? That's how I feel right now. I've been running so hard and just when I need some ground underneath me it's not there.
You're bound to feel like that - the important thing is that you get help and have someone to talk to - is there nothing in place for you this week to do that? Can you ring the crisis team and ask them to sort that for you ? Have a look at the post on the last page by whethergirl on this post http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1661379-When-suicide-is-the-only-positive?pg=4
I can't ring the crisis team any more, but luckily today was the ex-patients group and I was able to talk to people there. It was good to get it off my chest and they shared some of the things they'd done when ill. They're very kind and I'm not alone in behaving out of character.
It's the illness that made me believe my DCs were better off without me as the well me certainly doesn't. I'm not detached from them any more and I owe it to them to stay well.
My care co has sorted out a prescription for my PRN. Time to keep plodding on.
Because I'm now in recovery, a long thead about how I'm going to kill myself is not something I want to see in my TIO every day, so I've started a new thread here Planning Recovery
Thank you to everyone who has replied and posted to me on this thread, its really helped. funnymum71 is not my ususal posting name and I know that sometimes dramatic threads on MN written by "new" posters can raise eyebrows, so people taking the time to reply has been very much appreciated.
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