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Do you think if your family of origin was very unhappy you can ever truly be happy as an adult?

(54 Posts)
lonelyredrobin Sat 22-Dec-12 22:34:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Wed 26-Dec-12 20:20:51

Salbertina that's what happens to me when things go downhill I just withdraw because I can't cope and they either don't notice or don't care enough to bother. They are good friends because I've known them for 30 years tbh

sensesworkingovertime Wed 02-Jan-13 16:41:30

To try and answer your question I think you can find happiness but I am sure as you say your family has a lot to do with how you feel and behave.

I had a similar situation in that my parents just seemed to tolerate each other, were never particularly chatty, friendly or enjoyed doing anything together and they are still the same now I am in my mid forties. It does get me down a lot at times and I've feel ashamed about it. you sound like it has made you a stronger person to have got through it but it clearly bothers you and it would probably help you to talk with through with someone who understands.

It is difficult aswell not to have time to yourself when you have DCs ( how old are they) esp if your tendency is to worry about them most of the time, that's what I do anyway! What are your relationships like now with your parents/siblings? Do you feel like you are succeeding with your DCs where your family failed you?

orangeandlemons Tue 08-Jan-13 20:30:29

I understand how you feel. If you learnt to behave in a certain way when very young to deal with adverse events, them that is your default setting. You may be able to change this through therapy or meds, but that is how your brain learnt to behave when faced with certain events. You obviously learnt to distance yourself during the rows

I often feel similar, and also had nasty childhood. I have found medication much much more helpful than any therapy

Muttonboon Wed 09-Jan-13 11:13:15

This thread has struck a cord with me. I did not have the best of childhoods and now have no contact with my family - for the last 15 yrs or so.

I don't know the answer to your question. I suspect that the aim is for a contentment and an acceptance. We all know people who are light, smiley, fun, for whom life appears (and it is only appears) not to weigh heavily on them.

I think, as others have said that if your default setting, developed through years and years as a child and then reinforced as an adult is not like this then that cannot completely change.

I have on and off taken ADs and am now having pyschotherapy. My aim is to come to that acceptance, that is how it was, it was not ideal. Contentment and being at ease with oneself is my goal.

In terms of the children, I have treated my children to some extent as I was treated and i am ashamed of that. I have shouted at very small children, I have not regarded their feelings when I have been frustrated. Anger was so much the currency of my childhood that it is so difficult to break free. I too understand the suffocation, I have no recollection of being cuddled, listened to or felt that I was loved.

Yet the children are my salvation, they love me as no one else now will. It is through our children that maybe a part of us can be reformed.

So I think it is possible to gain a sense of contentment and appreciation for now. It is hard, what comes naturally to others will not come naturally to you.

I have a library of self help books so I am reluctant to recommend, however my therapist recommended "The Whole Parent: How to Become a Terrific Parent Even If You Didn't Have One " by Debra Wesselmann.

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