Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Self-inflicted misery

(52 Posts)
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sun 16-Dec-12 21:46:46

I've managed to get myself into a complete state by being a prat and reducing my medication without medical advice. Whoop, go me. hmm. I'm on max doses of a mood stabiliser and an anti-psychotic. Problem is that since going back to work the anti-P made me too zonked to get through a day at work, so I cleverly decided to reduce the dose. I reckoned that so long as I didn't piss around with the mood stabiliser, I'd be OK reducing the anti-P. <hollow laugh>

It worked very well and the more I reduced it, the better my output. However, so cheered was I with my success, instead of stopping at a reasonable dose, I kept cutting it until I was taking 1/6 of my prescribed dose.
Strangely, the week after reducing to that level I started to feel out of sorts, ending with being utterly suicidal by the end of the week and back under the Crisis team. <face palm>

While I'm probably sounding very rational, I've had a week of depersonalisation, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, have walked to and from the bridge I was obsessed with during my last low period but have talked myself our of jumping off. I can't string a sentence together, have been a lousy mother and have no desire to do anything other than sit in my bed and ignore the world. It woudn't be so bad if I didn't know that its my own fault for being an arse.

Its scary shit this MH malarky. Its a very fine line between being well and jumping off a bridge. Who knew that 500mg a night is what keeps me going. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to April when I was really ill and just have ended it then so I didn't have to keep going through this bollocks, but then I remember the whole family and children thing and keep on going again.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sun 23-Dec-12 19:29:23

I'm so up and down today. This afternoon, I just felt so damned resentful of having to do the right thing by my family. It's not their fault. Then I take the tranquillisers and the world is bearable again. I hope my proper mess -you know, the ones I shouldn't have fucked around with - start to kick in soon, so I can stop being such a grumpy unreasonable cow.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sun 23-Dec-12 19:30:24

Meds, not mess. Fucking autocorrect. Predicts cunting without any fuss, but not meds. Huh.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now