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Struggling with everything - perspective please?(5 Posts)
Not being funny, but how long have you been doing the creative stuff for?
Do you think you will end up doing it for more than the 2 years that some other things last for?
Are you making any money out of it?
I think it's both. I love creating things and it makes me feel like I'm achieving something concrete, but there's definitely an element of shutting out the rest of my life.
Not sure I have many or even any of the answers tbh.
Can I just ask about the making stuff? You say you can lose yourself in it, and it is all you want to do.
Do you mean by that, that you adore doing it, or that it suits you because it distracts you from [and here I am not sure what to write, life?]
And the spending too - It's not quite out of control. I know what my financial situation is, and my debt is manageable, but I am living on the edge of my available credit. I'm just always searching for something to make me feel better/happy/improve my life and it so often involves buying stuff
There's a lot of background here, but I'll try to keep it succinct.
I didn't have a great childhood. Plenty of time and love when it suited my parents, but it was conditional and based on how they felt at the time. My mother has bipolar and there was some rather unpleasant emotional abuse as well as being stuck between my mother and my enabling / denying father. My sister self harmed for a long time, and has since been diagnosed with bipolar as well.
I have barely spoken to my parents or siblings for the last ten years or so. I've occasionally managed to get myself embroiled in the outskirts of family issues, but it's just convinced me that breaking contact was the right thing.
Got married at 20. Gave me the stability I so desperately wanted. No surprise that we split a couple of years ago and the divorce is now through. Things are quite amicable, but divorce is never fun.
I've had mental health issues my whole life. Being dieting since I was about 10 (at the insistance of my mother). I have huge self-esteem issues, have had periods of serious depression (which I refused to acknowledge for a long time) and I can now see I've got a pattern of 'mania-like' behaviour (Never stick at anything, get hugely enthusiastic about things - some of which are crazy, others I saw through but got fed up of quite quickly) I stuck things for longer when XH and I did them together, but I'm only 32 and I've done the following:
- started a company with a group of students and lecturers while at university and quit it and moved away before we even got funding
- started teacher training but quit half way through
- worked at a software company writing software and training others - quit that after less than 2 years
- started my own business and ran it with the ex. That one lasted a couple of years before I got pregnant.
- had a baby and couldn't bear to go back to work, but carried on with some of the book-keeping stuff
- got pregnant, then split with ex.
- childminded for a year, then quit when I got too stressed.
Currently I'm on benefits, and achieving nothing with my days.
Currently I'm obsessed with making stuff - jewellery, fimo stuff, sewing. Anything that is creative and I can lose myself in. It's all I want to do. My house is in a state (not really dirty, but very messy), I eat constantly, and I drink in the evenings. Not a huge amount, but it is getting to be a regular thing.
I have to make myself leave the house. The kids (2 and 4) get where they need to be, they have healthy, home cooked meals, I read stories with them at bed time and they are loved. I make an effort to take them out to do stuff sometimes, but I'm struggling with them. I feel like I use up all my mental energy getting the important stuff done and there's nothing else left for them.
I have some amazing friends, but they all have troubles of their own. And I'm not their responsibility, I have to do this for myself.
I know what I need to do. I need to make small changes, one at a time. I need to eat better, exercise more, put a good routine in place. I have good intentions but I'm just not managing to see them through and I don't know how to break through this. I've been to my GP but he said that increasing my AD dosage might make the anxiety worse. I'm already on the waiting list for counselling and I'm planning to go back to the GP, but I honestly don't know what he could do to help.
I'm sorry this was such an essay, but my situation is complex and I really really want to start to change things for myself, whether it is on my own or with help. Can anyone make any suggestions?
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