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Been thinking some crazy stuff recently, please give your opinion.

(105 Posts)
GlumMentalDefective Sun 09-Dec-12 01:49:36

I'm nearly at breaking point at the moment. It is getting harder to cope with life everyday. Today I was thinking about suicide but decided it was just my DC that stopped me doing that. In fact it is just because of them that I have to try to hold everything together, give the appearance of normality for their sake. Instead I could just give up the hard work and lay down and let this sickness take me over completely.

Then I thought well if they weren't here it would be so much less stressful. I could rest more and feel better. But their absence might drive me even more nuts, just this time with no incentitve to hold back the madness. Although letting go and not caring what happens anymore is also quite appealing as it would mean a rest from the daily struggle to carry on. But quite possibly that choice could be irreversible. Do I want it to be forever?

So what would your opinions be on this? I know they are crazy but I can't stop myself thinking that way. Should I just keep on holding it together despite it being too much for me to cope with? Or would giving in to those feelings actually be better in the long run as i am only going to end up there one day anyway?

amillionyears Tue 18-Dec-12 20:28:20

Can you give your children to a trusted family member or trusted friend, for a few days, so that you can have the break and rest that you could probably do with?

meugler Tue 18-Dec-12 19:22:24

Glum I only read the first page of this thread and the last several posts so sorry if I missed a lot in the middle.

I just wanted to say that I empathize a great deal with how you feel, although you sound nearer to crisis point than me. I have been severely depressed on and off since early childhood. I have self-harmed for periods of my past too, did not find anti-depressants helpful.

One thing that struck a particular chord was that you could not remember writing the original post here. Unless you were drunk/ out of it on drugs, this is likely a sign of severe dissociation. Severe dissociation, in a nutshell, is what happens when your mind splits in early childhood to lock away traumatic memories and allow another part of you to continue to survive. The alternatives are not surviving or psychosis. In later life, it continues to cause amnesia etc. You might have no memories of abuse but the depression in childhood, self-harming etc would strongly suggest it and if you are dissociative you might not remember it.

I was finally diagnosed with severe dissociative disorder - unfortunately, it is not exactly an easy thing to heal even when you have the diagnosis. Nonetheless the diagnosis has given me a few insights into strategies for coping. Over abut 15 years I recovered memories of extreme abuse in childhood that I had previously repressed, there have been some recent related arrests. Dissociative disorder isn't something most GPs are familiar with, psychiatrists moreso.

I find the things that help me personally are struggling to have a lot of compassion towards myself, being really kind to myself in small ways and larger ways (e.g. you know you hate Xmas - so do I - so try to plan in a major treat for yourself for 26th for getting through it)

I hope this might help and would hope you turn to Samaritans or similar if feeling suicidal

SecondhandRose Tue 18-Dec-12 16:10:47

I would suggest you make another urgent appointment and see a different doctor. If need be walk in 30 minutes before they close and demand to see someone. I really don't think you are conveying your thoughts to your GP in the same way as you are on Mumsnet.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 18-Dec-12 11:11:47

I did tell him this. I always do. They just don't understand me. Or maybe they know the truth is I'm incurable so there is no point trying. I agree the waiting list is no good. They can't tell me how long I will wait for and I hate not knowing when things are going to happen.

SecondhandRose Tue 18-Dec-12 08:26:35

Am going to get cross with you now! Why didnt you tell your GP this? Urgent means now! Not on a waiting list.

As we know Citalopram does not work immediately, mine takes 6 weeks to have an effect at 20mg. How are you supposed to cope in the meantime?

You are a very intelligent person, write down what your thoughts are and get them to the GP urgently if you dont feel you can say them out loud.

Thinking of you.

GlumMentalDefective Mon 17-Dec-12 23:22:57

Yes i have been to a GP. He asked me the usual questions and I gave the usual answers. He gave me a prescription for citalopram that does nothing except make my jaw hurt and made another (apparently high priority) referral to the mental health team.

But none of that makes any difference, it changes nothing. The dreadful time gets closer every day and inside my head I am screaming so loud my ears feel like they are bleeding. Yet on the outside I can hide all of that and carry on pretending for now. I look happy like everyone else and like I am enjoying all this xmas crap I am forced to do.

No one would ever guess my secret wish is to run away as far as I can. To a place where there is nothing, where it is cold and dark and quiet. And hide under a rock until it is all over.

SecondhandRose Mon 17-Dec-12 21:43:42

Great post Creeping. Have you been to your GP GMD?

HouseOfTinsel Sun 16-Dec-12 22:14:14

How are you GMD?

Creeping Thu 13-Dec-12 18:13:06

I wouldn't be surprised at all if you were to ask for a referral to be tested for Aspergers/Autism, you would not have a problem being referred if you mentioned your great dislike of and difficulty with social communication, even with your own children, your sensory sensitivities, and your tendency to be intense when you're studying a topic. Do mention about the craters of the moon as an example. These things are all characteristics of autism. Add to that your unexplained depressed mood which causes you quite considerable impairment in functioning, a GP would have a duty to investigate further and refer.

If that is the way you want to go. I would strongly suggest you give it a very careful consideration. Be aware that it may be your depressed mood that causes you to say "But what difference does it make? There's no point," not the GMD in there that desperately needs help and has the motivation to seek help on here. Getting a better understanding, whether it is about yourself or from other people, is bound to help. There are support groups or therapists out there especially for autsim where you would find recognition and understanding.

GlumMentalDefective Thu 13-Dec-12 14:04:50

I already know about sensory processing disorder as my daughter has it and even though I do have some of the same symptoms they are no way near as bad as hers are (she has 1:1 at school because of it) I think it was worse when I was younger too and I have just learnt to deal with it e.g I don't hit someone if they touch me, I move away or ask them to stop, so hopefully it will be the same for her too.

HouseOfTinsel Thu 13-Dec-12 13:11:04

Just done a bit of googling about sensory processing disorder and autism, this is quite interesting:

HouseOfTinsel Thu 13-Dec-12 13:02:06

OP - Have you heard of the 'Highly Sensitive' books (Highly Sensitive Child, Highly Sensitive Person)?

I'm not sure if it's linked with autism or not, but Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a condition where sensory processing is naturally and extremely 'highly attuned' if you like - can lead to things like selective mutism, feelings of being overwhelmed, easily startled, dislike of certain fabrics/textures, desire for peace and quiet.

Highly Sensitive Person

Here's some blurb from the home page:
Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population--too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you.
It is innate. In fact, biologists have found it to be in most or all animals, from fruit flies and fish to dogs, cats, horses, and primates. This trait reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting. The brains of highly sensitive persons (HSPs) actually work a little differently than others'.
You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.
You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time.
This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called "shy." But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, 30% of HSPs are extraverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called inhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.
Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told "don't be so sensitive" so that they feel abnormal.

Sorry if I'm off the mark, but some of the things you have said seemed to fit in.

SecondhandRose Thu 13-Dec-12 07:11:55

GMD from that post the word 'autism' is 'screaming' at me from the page. This would give you so many answers as to why your AD's do not work.

Please get reading up on autism and Asperger's syndrome.

There are many different people that make up this world. Just because you dont like certain things does not make you odd, ill, strange or any other word people come up with.

If you look at me I try to be groomed, dress smartish and am extremely confident. But inside I am always worried about what I have said or done, whether it is the wrong thing or the right thing, what people think of me. If anyone compliments me I find it so hard to accept. So we all have our problems.

Creeping Wed 12-Dec-12 22:57:38

Secondhand is making a good point. Considering you don't like socialising, you are doing well with us lot. Keep posting, it may a relatively painfree way of socialising and getting support, even if it isn't hands on.

You have found strategies that help you cope, like taking a break when the social interaction gets too much. I am just hoping that recognising that being highly sensitive is a perfectly good reason to need these breaks. If on the other hand you are beating yourself up over it, they contribute to your not feeling good about yourself and your depressed mood. So allow yourself your strategies to cope, just as you allow yourself to buy three of the same jumpers because they are comfortable. It's okay. It really is.

GlumMentalDefective Wed 12-Dec-12 20:05:18

No I really don't like spending a lot of time with anyone with out taking breaks in between to recover. I know this is a really bad thing to say but my own DC are even included in that statement. It wasn't so bad when they were babies but now they are older I have to escape to the bathroom every so often because I can't cope with them constantly talking (and expecting me to talk back) and touching me. If it was anyone else though I wouldn't tolerate it so much and I wouldn't tolerate the touching from many people at all.

SecondhandRose Wed 12-Dec-12 19:55:18

Evening all and GMD. If you feel you have been suffering for 30 years I am making a presumption that you are around my age 45 ish? So perhaps your DC's are teenagers?

Not everyone enjoys socialising which is fine. It doesnt make you odd or wrong not to enjoy company. In fact you seem to be doing pretty well with us lot on here.

Have you purposely cut yourself off from your support network or have your family never supported you?

Creeping Wed 12-Dec-12 18:33:24

Your hiding in a really small space as a child made me think. Are you very sensitive? Does too much noise or certain sounds bother you? What about the physical presence of people close by? Do you notice sounds or smells or visual details that other people do not? Are there everyday smells that you strongly dislike? You already mentioned that you just want comfortable clothing. Does that mean that you find certain fabrics very uncomfortable?

What is it about other people that irritates you after a while? Do you find it hard to keep a conversation going? Do you feel you have to comply with expectations but you don't really know what they are? Do you find it easier to listen to people when you are not looking at them?

I am just wondering if feeling overwhelmed by all sorts of sensory things made you hide as a child (assuming it wasn't hiding from abuse or violence). You may not quite remember, which is why I asked the questions. Being highly sensitive can be exhausting, which may go partly towards an explanation of your lack of energy. Just a thought...

happybubblebrain Wed 12-Dec-12 17:56:58

I think I am very similar to you, I don't like spending much time with people and prefer my own company. I force myself now to spend more time with people because dd is very sociable, but I still find it difficult at times. I do think it's important to be sociable and talking about things on a deep level with others is really good for you. Is there anybody you really do like spending time with? Christmas can all seem very fake when you're with people that you don't usually bother with all year, but I'm sure the kids really enjoy it.

You're right, 30 years is a long time and I'm sure you don't want to go into all your history. It sounds like you had a really hard time growing up.

I don't have any family support or support from dd's father either. I do have some friends though. I think friends are vital. If you want to chat anytime I'm here - on this thread or in a private message. If you can think of anything practical I can do to help then let me know.

GlumMentalDefective Wed 12-Dec-12 16:25:01

In the past I didn't give up on purpose I just ran out of energy to keep going.Most of the times I ended up in hospital. One time I ended up 300 miles away and addicted to drugs. As a teenager I mainly just cut my arms a lot but also ran away a few times too, I did that when I was quite small too but it was more like hiding in the cupboard under the stairs all day.

Is that the kind of stuff you want to know about my past? If not can you ask more specifically because 'what happened in your past?' is too much of a big question. A lot happened in 30 years, I can't type it all here.

Also no I don't have a DP or DH. The DC's father has no contact with them anymore either. I don't really have any friends but I do sometimes talk about interests with other students at college and I'm always friendly to other people, although I do get annoyed by people easily when I have to spend too much time with them. Same goes for family I only see them occasionally. Its another reason for hating xmas because I am forced to spend a long time with lots of other people. I just don't enjoy it. I guess that's another thing that makes me weird that I prefer to be alone most of the time.

happybubblebrain Wed 12-Dec-12 14:24:58

I think you need to talk more about your circumstances and your past, there may be problems that can be sorted out by talking to mumsnetters. Being in a hole doesn't usually happen without reasons.

I've thought about you a lot today and if there is anything I can do to help just say.

SecondhandRose Wed 12-Dec-12 12:31:56

You still havent said about a DH or DP, friends, family. You must have some sort of support network?

amillionyears Wed 12-Dec-12 11:19:06

What has happened in the past, when you give up pretending to people that you are feeling fine?

GlumMentalDefective Wed 12-Dec-12 10:48:48

Your monday is like nearly every day for me. I probably only cook 1 day a week and do housework even less. It doesn't feel like I do nothing though it is hard work just to keep it at that level, I can't let it go any further down. I know I should be doing better than that but I don't know why it takes me so long and where all the time goes. That is happening more often now and I don't even remember what I did in that time. That is one reason I have for knowing that I am close to breaking point and it won't be a choice for me anymore.

happybubblebrain Wed 12-Dec-12 10:17:12

Maybe you don't have to give up everything. Can you just drop some of the things you do? Don't trow the baby out with the bath water. Just try and find a way to make your life a little bit easier. Sometimes the little things can make a big difference.

Be brave, ask everyone you know for some help. Tell the teacher how you're feeling, tell everyone. Get the kids to help.

Try and take at least one day a week when you do practically nothing - no housework, no cooking - maybe a throw a pizza in the oven, no college work. Look forward to this day and use it as a day to recharge a bit. Monday is my day for this, I still have to go to work, but I do practically nothing else, Monday is hard enough.

I hope you find some help and you are kind to yourself.

GlumMentalDefective Wed 12-Dec-12 09:48:41

I have never been told I have asperger before so I have nothing to hate. I will research it more when I have time, maybe tonight if I am not asleep by then.

I don't have anyone to help me with anything. I said before I pretend really well to everyone that I am ok all the time so no one needs to help me. Only when I run out of energy and can't carry on anymore , well then some one will have to help me but I don't know who that will be and I won't even know anything about it by then anyway. That will probably be soon because I have been struggling to cope for over a year now and its getting harder to hide it. The only person to notice is my teacher because my grades have dropped badly so I am getting a needs assessment today, to see if I qualify for extra tutoring, which would be nice but it is probably too late.

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