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Been thinking some crazy stuff recently, please give your opinion.

(105 Posts)
GlumMentalDefective Sun 09-Dec-12 01:49:36

I'm nearly at breaking point at the moment. It is getting harder to cope with life everyday. Today I was thinking about suicide but decided it was just my DC that stopped me doing that. In fact it is just because of them that I have to try to hold everything together, give the appearance of normality for their sake. Instead I could just give up the hard work and lay down and let this sickness take me over completely.

Then I thought well if they weren't here it would be so much less stressful. I could rest more and feel better. But their absence might drive me even more nuts, just this time with no incentitve to hold back the madness. Although letting go and not caring what happens anymore is also quite appealing as it would mean a rest from the daily struggle to carry on. But quite possibly that choice could be irreversible. Do I want it to be forever?

So what would your opinions be on this? I know they are crazy but I can't stop myself thinking that way. Should I just keep on holding it together despite it being too much for me to cope with? Or would giving in to those feelings actually be better in the long run as i am only going to end up there one day anyway?

SecondhandRose Tue 18-Dec-12 08:26:35

Am going to get cross with you now! Why didnt you tell your GP this? Urgent means now! Not on a waiting list.

As we know Citalopram does not work immediately, mine takes 6 weeks to have an effect at 20mg. How are you supposed to cope in the meantime?

You are a very intelligent person, write down what your thoughts are and get them to the GP urgently if you dont feel you can say them out loud.

Thinking of you.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 18-Dec-12 11:11:47

I did tell him this. I always do. They just don't understand me. Or maybe they know the truth is I'm incurable so there is no point trying. I agree the waiting list is no good. They can't tell me how long I will wait for and I hate not knowing when things are going to happen.

SecondhandRose Tue 18-Dec-12 16:10:47

I would suggest you make another urgent appointment and see a different doctor. If need be walk in 30 minutes before they close and demand to see someone. I really don't think you are conveying your thoughts to your GP in the same way as you are on Mumsnet.

meugler Tue 18-Dec-12 19:22:24

Glum I only read the first page of this thread and the last several posts so sorry if I missed a lot in the middle.

I just wanted to say that I empathize a great deal with how you feel, although you sound nearer to crisis point than me. I have been severely depressed on and off since early childhood. I have self-harmed for periods of my past too, did not find anti-depressants helpful.

One thing that struck a particular chord was that you could not remember writing the original post here. Unless you were drunk/ out of it on drugs, this is likely a sign of severe dissociation. Severe dissociation, in a nutshell, is what happens when your mind splits in early childhood to lock away traumatic memories and allow another part of you to continue to survive. The alternatives are not surviving or psychosis. In later life, it continues to cause amnesia etc. You might have no memories of abuse but the depression in childhood, self-harming etc would strongly suggest it and if you are dissociative you might not remember it.

I was finally diagnosed with severe dissociative disorder - unfortunately, it is not exactly an easy thing to heal even when you have the diagnosis. Nonetheless the diagnosis has given me a few insights into strategies for coping. Over abut 15 years I recovered memories of extreme abuse in childhood that I had previously repressed, there have been some recent related arrests. Dissociative disorder isn't something most GPs are familiar with, psychiatrists moreso.

I find the things that help me personally are struggling to have a lot of compassion towards myself, being really kind to myself in small ways and larger ways (e.g. you know you hate Xmas - so do I - so try to plan in a major treat for yourself for 26th for getting through it)

I hope this might help and would hope you turn to Samaritans or similar if feeling suicidal

amillionyears Tue 18-Dec-12 20:28:20

Can you give your children to a trusted family member or trusted friend, for a few days, so that you can have the break and rest that you could probably do with?

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