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Been thinking some crazy stuff recently, please give your opinion.

(105 Posts)
GlumMentalDefective Sun 09-Dec-12 01:49:36

I'm nearly at breaking point at the moment. It is getting harder to cope with life everyday. Today I was thinking about suicide but decided it was just my DC that stopped me doing that. In fact it is just because of them that I have to try to hold everything together, give the appearance of normality for their sake. Instead I could just give up the hard work and lay down and let this sickness take me over completely.

Then I thought well if they weren't here it would be so much less stressful. I could rest more and feel better. But their absence might drive me even more nuts, just this time with no incentitve to hold back the madness. Although letting go and not caring what happens anymore is also quite appealing as it would mean a rest from the daily struggle to carry on. But quite possibly that choice could be irreversible. Do I want it to be forever?

So what would your opinions be on this? I know they are crazy but I can't stop myself thinking that way. Should I just keep on holding it together despite it being too much for me to cope with? Or would giving in to those feelings actually be better in the long run as i am only going to end up there one day anyway?

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 21:05:56

Just seen someone asked what things I do that are different to other people. That question is too large to answer and needs to be more specific for me really.

I will try to pick one thing I know about that is different but it might not be what you were asking about. Itis not the only thing that is different just the first one I thought of.

One of the symptoms of being depressed always asks if you care about your appearance or not. If not supposedly you are too depressed to care. Well I don't care and never have. I don't actaully understand why people care. To me actually most people seem too obsessed with this when they could be doing other more useful and interesting stuff.

For me clothes are something you wear to keep warm and for protection and to hide parts of your body. That is it. I don't care about how they look otherwise, but I do care how they feel and won't wear things I don't like the feel of. Usually I wear just the same thing and I just bought 3 jumpers the same as one I have that feels good. Also I dont see the point of changing clothes that are not dirty or changing them for a different occasion. That is just stupid in my opinion.

Apart from clothes, I feel exactly the same about hair styles and makeup and nails and jewellery and everything like that. I just don't see the point. I can't stand anyone touching my hair so if it gets long and annoys me I just cut it off myself with scissors. My whole life I have been told that this is not normal and not how other people are like. But I have always been like that and taking pills and all the rest of it won't stop me thinking that way, so I will always have that symptom of depression.

orangeandlemons Tue 11-Dec-12 21:13:31

Perhaps you have double dip depression? this is when someone who has dysthymia has added depression on top of that.

I believe lithium is the drug of choice for treatment resistant depression. Have you had that?

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 21:13:32

Wallison, I think GMD is saying that she has been trying to pretend that she is normal, not what you are talking about.
fwiw op,you may not be as "normal" as some people, but you may not be as different from lots of others as you think you are.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 21:21:21

Everyone is 'weird'. It's coming to terms with this. I will never live with your brain, nor will you ever live with mine. Will having a label on the weirdness help you? Do you struggle with any tasks?

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 21:21:24

I didn't speak in school until Y3, I spoke at home and other places though. They called it selective mutism but they didn't really care about it much because I was a maths genius as a kid too. Then one day we were reading a book with a picture of the moon and I was obsessed with astronomy at that age so I just started talking to tell everyone about the names of the mountains and craters and stuff.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 21:27:13

You sound interesting smile

I worry myself sick I'm weird with the things that go through my brain - mainly I'm obsessed with (and petrified of) death. As I spend most of my days worrying about it in many different guises, i.e. do I have cancer? What happens when we die? Is that it? Etc etc etc I then worry why I'm so obsessed with it and no one else is.

My husband assures me that he too is 'weird'. For example he fantasises about being beaten up and being left for dead as a way to get him to sleep!!!! Now that's strange...but it doesn't worry or bother him. My 'weirdness' in fact is probably so much more normal, in fact it's universal, but I just worry about my sanity more.

Bit of a ramble but hope it kind of makes sense...

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 21:29:37

GMD, have you researched your "symptoms".
I wouldnt normally recommed it, but you seem exceptionally bright, and you may be able to research and find a diagnosis?
I am wincing a bit as I write this as that is the opposite advice given to most people.
I dont know if you have done this, or whether that is a suitable suggestion in your case?

Creeping Tue 11-Dec-12 21:32:03

An uneven profile on the WAIS may indicate a neurodevelopmental cause. Neurotypical people will generally have an even profile, with the different tests roughly being in the range percentile range. But for example people with dyslexia often have an uneven profile, as do people with Autism.

When you say you didn't speak till you were three, and can't see the point of certain things that mean a lot to most people, plus your unhappiness even as a child, and your insistence it is more or different than depression leads me to think in the direction of autism. I know a number of people with high functioning autism and most of them do not think life is fun, including my 10 year old son who will say when he's down that he'd rather not live anymore.

While there is no cure for autism, a lot of people who get a (late) diagnosis are grateful and relieved, because they can understand themselves better, and that alone helps a lot.

I am not suggesting you have autism, but there may indeed be a neurodevelopmental cause underlying your depression that may be worth investigating, so that you can get specific help and understanding.

I hope you can find the strength to keep fighting for yourself with the medics.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 21:35:25

by researched do you mean type into google 'I have been depressed all my life' ?

if so then no I haven't tried that and I don't see how it will help anything

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 21:38:27

That's very interesting Creeping. There is a lady I know who comes to a group I go to who had a late diagnosis of autism. She is very 'functional' when it comes to her style choices too GMD. Just doesn't understand anything to do with make up, hair, clothes - she's just not interested it seems.

Creeping Tue 11-Dec-12 21:39:35

GMD, you post about your strengths in maths and obsession with astronomy fits with autism as well, as does your eloquency and directness.

I totally agree with Mylittlepuds, you are interesting!!! And I genuinely mean that!

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 21:44:29

This is interesting! Fits with a few things you've said - particularly the WAIS

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 21:44:40

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 21:44:57

And astronomy...

SecondhandRose Tue 11-Dec-12 21:49:09

Fine line between genius and madness. GMD, you say I don't understand, believe me I do understand. You have an incredible brain by what you tell us, you need to make it work to your advantage not your disadvantage.

Clothes and looks are of no relevance and should not be a concern. As long as you are keeping yourself and your family clean. Look at it the other way round, you have never felt the need to dress or look a certain way to please yourself or others. You are what you are, nothing odd in that.

The human brain is an incredible thing, it needs training, tuning and you need to make yours work for you and not against you. You need to shut up the negative voices and awaken the positive ones. I call mine my good and bad angels.

Now tell us one thing you can do tomorrow to make your life a tiny bit better.

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 22:01:40

GMD, no I didnt mean put in "I have been depressed all my life".
But you could try putting in things such as "have no interest in clothes", for example.
Or selective mutism.
Or something else that people may have said is different about you.

Yes, you do seem to be different to some other people. A psychiatrist said he didnt think you were depressed, fwiw, I am not so sure that you are either.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 22:17:14

Secondhandrose - I'm going to listen to my good angels tomorrow smile

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 22:38:39

Are you ok GlumMentalDefective? <Sending MN hugs>

GlumMentalDefective Wed 12-Dec-12 03:01:17

No i am not ok amillionyears. If I was ok I would have no need to write all this stuff on here. I don't think people ever went on to a mental health forum to say 'I am ok'

I read the link about the asperger and autism but do not agree that he is anything like me except he was good at maths in school too. I only liked astromomy when I was young and I don't care about it now. I stopped learning about it to learn all the world flags then after that I moved on to different things. I am now learning about biochemistry and molecular biology which is a very useful subject. I don't like learning about geography or squirrels or exotic fruit and I can't see what the point of knowing about them would be. Also it just says he took a WAIS test not that he got same scores as me.

One thing I can do tomorrow to make my life better: I am going to my needs assessment tomorrow so if it goes ok that will make my life better. While I am out I am going to try to do the xmas shopping too. That probably won't go ok because I always get extremely stressed thinking about xmas but if I can do it then its one less thing to worry about.

AmISabbotagingMyLife Wed 12-Dec-12 04:43:53

Can you do your present shopping online? Other than Wilkos and Boots I have done all of mine online this year.Saves me getting the buggy around the over packed shops.
FWIW you sound very interesting. My friend's daughter has selective mutism too and seems super aware of detail.
Your appearance stance is how I always imagine men feel and envy that.

AmISabbotagingMyLife Wed 12-Dec-12 04:54:03

Just read the rest of the thread.
You do sound very strong. I know you don't feel it. I am doing something similar here myself.
I also wanted to kill myself at a very young age. Remember wanting to hang myself with a coathanger from the light fitting in our junior school dorm because the matron hated me.I am wondering if I have just been very ill for a long time, or whether it is the outside coming in doing the damage now I feel weak. I am open, an oversharer and usually find people who need help to 'look after' as I am usually very strong and have a lot of time to listen and like looking after people. Unfortunately this can backfire but I am trying to figure out if it is me or them or both.
I don't have any answers either, but I hope you can feel better in some way or another soon. Has this thread helped in parts? Glad you have a plan for tomorrow smile

GlumMentalDefective Wed 12-Dec-12 05:39:28

Online is easier in some ways but also has its problems too like I start to panic when the door bell rings when the stuff gets delivered. Really either way I hate doing it as it is just a reminder that the dreadful day itself will soon be here and there is nothing i can do to stop that happening.

amillionyears Wed 12-Dec-12 07:48:30

I see that you are up early today.
Christmas day will be finished in 14 days.
I like you too.
I see that you write direct, so I will do that too.
I hope your needs assessment goes ok today.

SecondhandRose Wed 12-Dec-12 08:03:11

Aspergers syndrome is not cured by any type of tablets. I agree that some of what you are describing does sound like Aspergers and would give you some answers. Please look into it a but more. You seem to keen to cut us all of dead with any suggestion that we make.

Sorry cant post more, go a mad morning and rotten cold. Get back later.

Have a good day everyone.

amillionyears Wed 12-Dec-12 08:08:09

Do you have someone in your life to help you with practical stuff where you have to physically interact with people?

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