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overwhelmed and running out of time

(34 Posts)
bassetfeet Sat 08-Dec-12 18:35:08

I have tried to type this so many times without sounding pathetic and drama llama .
Very down and low for a while now and on meds . You will all maybe recognise the paralysis that comes with depression care about anything really.
My husband is ill and I do care for him though of course I do.
The thing is my son is coming home this xmas from the far east and is naturally looking forward to spending time with us and his dad [it maybe the last one ?]

The house is a tip and dirty ..... every bloody thing is a huge effort and I cant seem to break free from this inertia and tears welling all the time .
I am a quite isolated person . So please can any one kick me into making this Christmas as it should be ? I know I MUST . but need a kind firm word to say ok ....this is what you must do this week . Afterwords I know I need gp etc .
Just for now until after Christmas I would value some emergency elasoplast so I cope and dont spoil it .
thank you .

NanaNina Mon 10-Dec-12 13:22:07

Hello BF and F&J - interesting to hear from you about the origins of your depression - and there seem to be similar roots for the depression. OH you are one of those young mum F&J with 2 LOs OMG I just don't know how you cope. I notice you are both using the analogy of the "black dog" whereas I use the Headmonster - I don't think it matters so much what the analogy is if it helps to describe the state of our disordered brains.

Loved your "chihuahua trotting obediently at your heels" F*J. and I understand why you want to reach out to others when the dog is at your heels as I do too. Mind I also go on this thread on bad days too. MN MH thread has got me through some very dark hours.

I'll tell you about my Headmonster He (definitely male!) lies curled up asleep at the top of my head for quite a while, though totally unpredictable, as to how long the sleep will last. Then he wakes and stirs and starts uncurling his nasty slimey body down my head to about my eye width - he has tentacles and they start waving about and he's rampaging about across my head (and that's when I feel the anixety or fear which is what it really is) and then he starts to spread his body out around the edges of my head and clings on with suction pads that emerge at intervals along his body. That is the worst - the depression. He plays tricks because sometimes he stays there for a couple of days and goes off up to the top of my head to sleep and I think I'm free of him for a while, but he puts in another appearance a couple of days later, for 3, 4 maybe 5 days - he is in complete control.

Even worse he plays tricks through the day occasionally. I can wake feeling fine and once I am up and about he starts waking and he maybe doesn't wave about but spreads himself out around the edges of my head, though often he will go back to his sleeping place in a while.

There are days when I feel crap from the time I wake to the time I go to bed (he is clinging hard with those suction pads) but it is much more usual for him to return to sleep in his usual place as the day wears on and by evening he is mostly asleep.

The thing is though I never know when he is going to wake and I hate it because I can't control my life. I am thankfully retired so don't have to control much, but even meeting my grand-dghtr from school or meeting friends, I can never be certain. It must be SO much worse for you F&J - I just can't imagine. I am also phobic about anyone (other than DP and a few close women friends) seeing me when the HM is wide awake and doing his stuff.

Yes it is the one at Whinfell Forest nr Penrith and I think this will be our 3rd or 4th time and I've always enjoyed it. There is an outdoor pool kept at 80 degrees centigrade so you can swim under the stars! If the HM wakes it shouldn't be too difficult because I will just stay in the apt and they all know about my "condition" and will be only too happy to stay away!

Sorry this is all about me but it was the "black dog" thing that you both mention, set me off thinking about my HeadMonster. One of my closest friends who is an art therapist says that it is a good thing that I have made up the HM because I am accepting that it is something inside me rather than something outside. I do however still feel to some extent that it is something outside of me because it feels so alien.

I know the roots of my depression but have probably said enough for now!

bassetfeet Mon 10-Dec-12 21:38:13

Hi all smile
Argh a mixture of a day . Got my list of small tasks and started the easy ones.
Still feel as if I am dragging my feet through sand . But the relief of having you all to talk to is boosting me . The feeling of self loathing isnt so bad when you realise lovely folk out there have exactly the same emotions. Lay in bed until lunchtime and one task tomorrow is to get up at normal time.
Did some shopping but felt old and withered and bent over [do you know what I mean ?]

I have realised that having the house clean isnt maybe so much for my sons benefit ...but making a lovely Christmas for my DH who is ill . But I am afraid I cannot fake the expectation ....tears always in my eyes these days and overspill at the daftest stuff .

But creating order in the chaos and muck in this house has to help . I think I need some control back in my surroundings first.yes? So will tick off my list daily and if it takes me all day then so be it . Do you all have this damn exhaustion ? It is soul destroying .

Thank you for replies . It is helping so much and sorry for whinging !

Fishandjam Mon 10-Dec-12 22:07:22

Whinge away basset! But yes to getting some control back - it always, always helps me to feel less of a totally useless blob. (And I know exactly what you mean about feeling old and withered and bent over...) And you sound like you're making good progress. Maybe, if you can get up at a normal-ish time tomorrow, that will also help on the control front? Metaphorically, whacking your black dog on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, rather than letting him piddle on your carpet?

Today my black dog has taken a few crafty nips at my ankles. Not entirely sure why. Just found myself feeling very sad about the impending Xmas season, when I'd actually been looking forward to it for once. Maybe it's caused by seeing families out and about, and knowing that my own - though I love them more than anything else - is pretty much limited to DH, the DCs and my lovely MIL. (My own mum is in a care home with dementia, my dad died 30 years ago, and my lovely FIL died a couple of years back.) Then I feel guilty for not being grateful for what I've got (especially as I had the DCs latish in life and am really bloody lucky they're apparently both normal, healthy children) - and trying to tell myself sternly that I had such a crap relationship with my mum, I shouldn't be feeling so sad that I'll never be able to have a conversation with her again.

NanaNina Mon 10-Dec-12 23:57:46

Hi BF Firstly don't apologise for whinging - anyway you're not whinging, you're telling us how your day has been, and we know how it feels - we must remember that! Yes on bad days I can't face the day and have to use enormous will power to drag myself out by 12.30. BUT you did shopping which must mean you showered, dressed and got out to the shops - no mean feat.

Yes might be a good idea to start slowly on the house tomorrow but don't set yourself too big a goal. You'll feel better if you just manage a few tasks and feel good cus you've managed them. Even if it's the "do one thing" rule - there are still 2 weeks till Christmas but your son is probably due sooner.
Is your DH terminally ill BF and do you have to care for him? Does he understand what you are going through and offer any emotional support, if not physical obviously.

Re the exhaustion - yes I know exactly what you mean, but I it isn't a natural exhaustion come from doing too much is it, when a hot bath and lie on the sofa is restorative, it's more an emotional paralysis (I think it was you or someone on the thread that first mentioned that term) and it jumped out at me because it fitted so well. When I was in hospital the first time I saw a patient who was catatonic and didn't move at all from her chair, from morning till night and had her meals on a tray. She didn't talk very much either but it was soooo sad as tears ran down her cheeks. However I did see her get a fair bit better before I was discharged.

What date is your son due BF - check in tomorrow and let us know how you get on - even if you haven't managed what you wanted to....

F&J Hi - like your metaphor of whacking the black dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper etc and hope yours is content with an occasional "nip" - I suspect it could be to do with Christmas, which heightens whatever emotions we have and there is this big expectation about happy families etc. My lovely parents died some years ago but Christmas always brings back memories of childhood Christmases and is bittersweet.

NanaNina Wed 12-Dec-12 10:49:51

BF - how are things.........hope your black dog is still being docile F&J

bassetfeet Thu 13-Dec-12 18:16:34

Thank you for such lovely messages fishandjam and NanaNina . Sorry for delay in reply . Yet again it is so comforting to read your words and others on this thread . That isolating feeling that we have is dissipating for me now. I cant bear to have face to face contact but this is so helpful helpful . I know lots is said about online communication not being real ........but I can feel your support over the ether . I love language and words. the feeling behind them .

Well folks ........sons bedroom has been cleaned and fresh bedding put on . The bathroom has been cleaned . That is all so far but the main things [apart from kitchen ]. I id it in stages and felt so exhausted after . But relief also .
The kitchen will be tomorrow . I have just started also the ironing of stuff left over from my sons last visit in July . The mass of stuff is huge . Why oh why did I did I allow this to slide ?
My mood is swinging from tears to relief that at least the major stuff is cleanish. The rest must wait now .

My son arrives home on Saturday . So looking forward to his first Christmas home in years [usually comes home in the summer ]. His dad is very much looking forward to seeing him and talking footie etc . Poignant .

Love your messages and thoughts re the mindmonster and the chihuahua versus the black dog /crow whatever we call it .
So hope all of you are coping alright with the lead up to Christmas and all the memories and stress it takes TO MAKE IT WONDERFUL .
I will think of you Nanna at Whinfell . The lakes are my dearest place in the world kid you not . Always think no matter who you are or how rich ..that landscape is for everyone. Enjoy and so hope that the head monster buggers off and leaves you in peace .

Fish I totally understand about limited family and the feelings re mum in care home you have difficult relationship with . I am sad to hear that your mum has dementia ..must be doubly hard for you indeed . I think misplaced guilt must be in our DNA as women . You sound so caring and please just do what you feel you can for her ok ? Dont over think it or make yourself ill . Similar set up with me re mum in a home so do get it . It is so hard .
hope you all have a peaceful weekend and thank you .

NanaNina Fri 14-Dec-12 14:41:15

WOW well done BF you sound like you're really pulling it off.......and must be a bit excited at the arrival of your son tomorrow.

The bloody headmonster woke this morning and went on the rampage, making me cry and hide under the duvet till I forced myself up at 1.00 pm showered etc. Seem to be picking up a bit now so maybe he is feeling sleepy - I bloody well hope so. Unusually I got really angry with him this morning and I think that was because after 7 or 8 really good weeks I had almsot forgotten about I thumped my pillow - more in frustration I think. Suppose it's better for him to wake and do his stuff now than next week.

Friends are coming to stay tomorrow night (only to break their journey fetching their son from UNi) but I think it might be best if DP just tells them I have flu. They won't ask any questions or come up to see me as they might guess what is really wrong and they're very sensitive, but they are not amongst my 3 closest supports (DP) and 2 women friends, and they're the only people I am able to see when I'm in a state.

Hope you're going to enjoy your son's visit..........NNx

HellesBelles396 Sun 16-Dec-12 17:52:19

my black dog has been dragging at me for the last few weeks to the point were I was catatonic on Wednesday. letting people know what was going on rather than pretending to be fine (my usual approach) made a huge difference.
on Wednesday, I realised how low I had gotten and gave myself permission to wallow a little - go to bed at teatime, for example, or leave the dishes - and to ask people for help (not one of my strong points, to say the least). I feel so much better for this - I wasn't doing the dishes or the other stuff anyway because I felt so wretched but the urgent stuff is being done by others and I am sleeping instead of staying up til yon time trying to persuade myself to do the various things that needed doing.

NanaNina Sun 16-Dec-12 22:07:04

Oh sorry about your black dog HB - glad you were able to be honest about how you felt (I can only do that with DP and a couple of women friends) and NOT my grown up sons, dils and grandchildren. I know what a relief it is when you can just "zone out" of ordinary life for a time, as the emotional paralysis of depression is sometimes all consuming.

My headmonster was wide awake and on the rampage yesterday morning, making me cry a lot. However I picked up about 2, so he must have gone back to sleep! Today he's been sound asleep - long may he stay that way.

Warm wishes HB and BF and anyone else suffering from this most horrid illness that so many people don't understand.

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