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partner depressed and blames baby

(7 Posts)
cookingoutsidethebox Fri 07-Dec-12 12:03:16

My OH has always had bouts of getting very down about life usually when he is tired from work - but now he is blaming our baby for the 'pointless'ness of his life. We tried for two years to get pregnant so he had time to think about what he was doing. He is so resentful and angry at me when the flat isn't spotless, very critical and I am exhausted and stressed out trying to maintain everything to his impossibly high standards whilst doing all the childcare (still on mat leave til mid Jan). I am scared from day to day how he is going to be and get so nervous when he comes home from work. He thinks he is working so hard and I am just having fun with the baby even though I tell him I am on the go the whole time and don't even really get a break at night as in one bed flat so share with baby while OH is in living room. I think he is depressed and possibly OCD but he won't seek help.
This situation is just horrible as twice in past month he has basically said he wants to leave but won't 'shirk his responsibilities'. What breaks my heart is that our son adores him and yet OH is saying he wishes we could give him away sad.
Words of encouragement please as feel so sad at the moment, mostly for our gorgeous son who is missing out on a loving daddy but also for partner who doesn't see how lovely the baby is and that actually his life really isn't that bad (he has a home, people that love him incl the baby, health, a job)

keekeeblue Fri 07-Dec-12 14:17:18

So sorry to hear your situation. Reading it brought tears to my eyes as my situation 7 years ago was very similar. My XH adored our DC though, but took everything out on me. He was resentful and wanted me to go back to work even though we managed very well on one wage. It used to be like treading on eggshells everyday to see what he was going to get upset over and start shouting in my face about. At one point he tried to push me down the stairs when I wouldn't let DS cry himself to sleep, I wanted to comfort him.

I don't know whether I can offer any advice but hopefully support. My marriage ended 18 months after DS was born. I was hugely relieved as I couldn't bear the constant put downs and being told I was a terrible mum, every evening when he came home from work he wouldn't speak to me.

I hope you can get help for your OH, it is terrible that he feels that way about your baby. Maybe try contacting MIND or your GP or even health visitor (mine was fantastic). Good luck

ReallyTired Fri 07-Dec-12 14:21:32

I am sorry you are going through this. I suggest that you contact your GP or health visitor. It really does sound as if your OH does need help. Men can suffer postnatal depression as well.

cookingoutsidethebox Fri 07-Dec-12 15:58:39

Thanks both, will definitely mention it to HV next week, hadn't thought of that.
Keekeeblue he does blame me for everything, even things that are just things that happen like the washing machine breaking. I think this new blaming the baby is an extension of that as he sees it that he has given me what I wanted. A few weeks ago he said I have ruined his life (by having a baby), like he wasn't part of it. He doesn't take any responsibility.

keekeeblue Mon 10-Dec-12 10:10:32

Lots of men find the change from being a couple to becoming a family difficult. Maybe he feels a bit left out (I'm sure you are not making him feel this way). some men are so used to being the centre of our attention that they find the change difficult. Obviously a new born baby needs all our attention. I'm sorry I don't have any answers but I can sympathise and listen. I hope your HV can help you. Have you tried your local Sure Start children's centre, they seem to have a lot of info on a lot of different subjects. Keep strong x

Letsmakecookies Mon 10-Dec-12 12:32:17

My story is not dissimilar to keekee's - my x resented me and was never at home because family life interfered in his freedom. He was awful towards me at a time where I was vulnerable, and did he not want to be a parent to his children even if he does seemingly love them.

It never changed, neither intensive therapy or ADs, or reasoning got through to him. It did cause me so much harm emotionally, we have been free from that stress for over 9 months and still I am terrified of his mood swings even though I have no reason to be any more as he lives no where near us. I think I just got so used to being scared.

I spent 6 years with the mindset that some men find it difficult moving from being single to parent. But I have totally lost sympathy, not that it might not be true, but it is utterly selfish especially when they themselves chose the commitment and chose to plan pregnancies. Their children do not deserve that level of rejection, and their partners do not deserve that level of deception and being let down.

Definitely talk to your HV, they will have experience of this and can give you good advice.

cestlavielife Mon 10-Dec-12 15:17:30

you need to give him an ultimatum - he goes to GP, talks about it and seeks help or he leaves.
you cant carry on with small baby walking on eggshells. it will only get worse.

my exp (note how many of us say "ex") was also like this and still now blames me for everything - but at last is at arms length.

baby is a tangible thing to blame - but if not it would be something else.
and toddlers are going to make far more mess in a small flat than a baby ie it will get so much worse, not better (from your OH's perspective)

he has a choice here - to seek help to make this better and deal wih being a family now - or not.
you have the choice too - to accept his choice -or not.
supprort him if he is prepared to make an effort,
dont support him if he isnt.

it is NOT normal to hate your baby and blame it for all the ills in your life. if you feel like that all the time you need help.
yes we can all get fed up but there is a line - people CAN get support and help to deal with this.

ask him, does he WANT to be a happy family man? is he prepared to explore how to achieve that?

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