Sick of the woman who assaulted me just wandering around whilst my fucking life is ruined.

[SirBoobAlot]

I was verbally assaulted at 13. It triggered a serious mental health condition. I'm 21, it was eight years ago, and yet when I got on a bus yesterday and saw her on there, I flew off. I then had a massive panic attack at the bus stop, and sobbed hysterically on the phone to a friend all the way home.

I now feel trapped in my house. One of the reasons I moved was so that I was on a different bus route to her (I know where she lives, she wasn't a stranger). I already can't go to an area of town because I saw her there a few months ago.

I am so fucking sick of this. So sick of her. She ruined my fucking life, and yet she had no change to hers. She got a warning from the police at the time, but was still allowed to continue training as a TA - at my brothers school, FFS.

Hate is such a draining emotion, but God I hate her. I hate her and what she has done to me. My life is in tatters because of what she said to me. I'm self destructive, and I have cut the shit out of my arms for the first time in weeks, and I am so angry at myself.

I wish she would fucking disappear. I wish she would live one day with the mental state she has driven me to.

I don't want to die, but Jesus I don't want this life any more, and its not changing. I'm so tired of it. So so tired.

[BlueyDragon]

Have you got someone who can be with you right now, physically or on the phone? You sound like you need someone there.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Have some un-MNey hugs. Hopefully someone who can offer some more practical help soon.

[fluffydressinggown]

:( are your arms ok? Do you have dressings etc.

I am sorry this has triggered and upset you so much, have you been able to use some of the things you learned from your STEPPS course to help you?

Is there anything you can do in the immediate to stay safe and help you find some peace - reading, TV, painting your nails etc?

Do you have a CPN you can contact tomorrow?

[SirBoobAlot]

I watched a good film tonight in an effort to distract myself, even laughed a bit, but as soon as I climbed into bed, she's there in my face again.

No one. DP is away at a funeral, my family are working. I can't call the samartians again, I'm already skint.

What use is my CPN going to be? I've been trying to work through this for eight fucking years and it never gets any easier.

She told me I was a worthless bitch and that I deserved all the shit life could throw at me, and she was right. My life is just one big fuck up.

I can't work out if I hate her or myself more.

[SirBoobAlot]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to sound so agressive about my CPN. Just that all she will do is talk over what happened. And that doesn't change it.

[SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo]

I just wanted to let you know I roughly understand how you are feeling.

I have to see a man often who did something to me at 15 that changed/ruined my life.

Do not hate yourself. You have no reason too!

[goralka]

that's so horrible what a vile, vile woman, to say that to a child. Don't know what else to say...if I said, do not let this c* ruin your life it would probably sound a bit trite or dismissive of your feelings. Please do not hate yourself though...

[goralka]

I was reading a great book the other day and it was talking about how you talk to yourself in your 'internal dialogue' - be nice to yourself as you would to a friend who was having difficulties.

[Jenda]

Hello. I don't have any super advice for you but didn't want to read and fun. How awful for you. As someone asked above, are your arms ok?

Im so sorry this happened to you and Im so sorry you feel like this.

I've just been on say no to 0870 and typed in the Samaritans number. Have a look here and you can see what the local number is for your branch. That will be loads cheaper. Or if you have a landline it is only 1 ish pence a minute after 7pm. It might be a good idea to talk to them if they've helped before. Sometimes you need to get it all out and have a good cry and have someone listen.

Un mumsnetty hugs to you. Please look after yourself tonight

[SirBoobAlot]

I know life isn't fair, and I shouldn't expect it to be. But she just gets to carry on as normal, whilst my life is shattered. I don't trust anyone, because I used to trust her. I hate myself and believe I should suffer, because of the things she said to me. And I feel i deserved it - because she wasn't punished.

The only reason I have for waking up tomorrow morning is my son. And what a mother he will have the joy of dealing with tomorrow. I am an utter mess. I was so depressed today I hid in my bedroom.

Tried to speak to my mum about this yesterday when she brought DS home, and all she said was "Well if you're that angry at her, why didn't you confront her?" as if its that fucking easy.

I so just want to go to sleep and wake up somewhere far away, being someone entirely different. I'm so weak and pathetic, but I can't take this any more.

[SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo]

SirBoob it isn't easy to say anything. I understand that.

You aren't weak and pathetic at all. If you want PM me. I'm 22 so many years your senior

I understand how you feel and my mum says similar to me about confronting or doing something when i see him. As much as I would love to kick his head in I just can't bring my self to even say anything.

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.
I don't believe you're worthless or a bitch, or that you deserve life to throw shit at you.
I have no experience of what you're going through, but I've just been on your other thread describing you as valiant.
You seem lovely and I;m looking forward to meeting you, I hope it will be soon.
Big hugs.

[piprabbit]

Could your CPN help you come up with some strategies for coping if you come across her again - so that you feel more in control?

I'm so sorry that you are having to cope with, it sounds horrendous for you.

[HollaAtMeSanta]

So sorry you are upset. Is there more to this, though? Seems a very extreme reaction to one incident of horrible things being said 8 years ago. Just because someone said horrid things doesn't make them true! Apologies if there is a back story.

[SirBoobAlot]

Im sorry to be such a moany bitch, I just am laying here sobbing and needed to get some of it out before I screamed.

Fanjo I wish i could have shouted at her. I have had fantasies before of turning up at her door and doing horrible things, just to make the bitch feel some of the pain. But I can;t. Even after thinking those thoughts I have to scrub my hands because they feel contaminated.

I just want it all to stop now.

[SirBoobAlot]

Holla she was the mother of a girl I was friends with. We then fell out, the other girl took to bullying me. She told her mum I was bullying her.

One day when covering for a friends paper round, I was waiting outside a church for my mum to pick me up. She drove past. I heard the screech of wheels, and the car came back and ran up the curb in front of me. She got out, came and stood inches away from my face and proceeded to tell me what a horrible person I was.

I was thirteen. This was a woman I had previously trusted and respected, telling me I was a worthless bitch, and that I had any love for my family at all I would disappear.

What she did was the major trigger for my condition. My reaction may seem extreme to you, and trust me if I could control it, I would. But I can't.

[SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo]

The thoughts are not contaminated. If they are then my mind is so filthy the even dettol couldn't save it. I have the same thoughts. He's walking free without a care in the world and I'm paying for it.

[livingfortoday]

i can relate to an extent about what has happened to you and feeling hatred towards someone.

sorry if stating obvious

1. you are still relatively young and still forming as an adult thus is not you forever.
   
2. every day you wake you have a choice and you control how you respond.
   
   fwiw i was in a eight hole at your age i went in to bigger n better things. idf your current therapy isnt working see someone else, or change type.
   
   it can be very hard to let go of hate.

[Greensleeves]

Your reaction is totally in keeping with what happened to you. There is nothing abnormal about how you feel, you are a normal person to which something really horrible happened.

I'm not going to harp on about me, but I had a similar experience when I was 20, somebody I viewed as a parent-substitute completely turned on me and ripped my self-esteem to shreds. It triggered a breakdown (in my case I was probably going to have one anyway, lots of other old stuff). If I saw him now I would probably vomit. Thank god that can't happen as he lives abroad now.

I know it sounds trite, but I really do notice your posts and I think you come across as a genuinely lovely person with a fab sense of humour, you give good advice and I had no idea you were suffering so much

I am so sorry this is happening to you But it isn't your fault. Please don't call yourself pathetic or a bitch.

[SirBoobAlot]

I'm so sorry you can relate. :(

I have auditory hallucinations anyway, but its always her voice telling me to kill myself, and that everyone would thank me for it. Sometimes I can control it, or ignore it, but since seeing her a few months ago, and then again yesterday, i feel so horrifically out of control.

[HollaAtMeSanta]

That does sound awful :( hope you feel better in the morning. Can we do anything else to help right now? e.g. post the horrible woman a box of poo a la Sharon Osborne

[Greensleeves]

I think the voice thing is PTSD. I used to think he could hear my thoughts

I wish I had some decent advice. The only thing that worked for me was time. And cuddling my children a lot (poor exploited human wheat bags!)

[SirBoobAlot]

My current therapy is actually very good. However, instead of ''managing the problem'' yesterday, I shrieked at the bus driver to open the doors and ran away as fast as my stick would let me. I can deal with the humiliation and looking like a twat, but feel like my nurse is going to react the same way as my mum.

I try so hard to control my condition, to work with it, and work on it too. And then something like this happens and reminds me that I will never be able to control it. It is so much stronher than me - she is so much stronger than me.

I'm never going to be free from this.

[livingfortoday]

sirboob what support do you normally have when experiencing these symptoms? hav u got sum1 with you?

[SirBoobAlot]

Really Green? I feel that way too. One of the other reasons I'm frightened to call the samaritans. i think she's listening to me, and will just be pleased to hear how much damage she's causing.

[Greensleeves]

Yes you will be free of it. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

I doubt your CPN would react the way your mum did - your mum's reaction is a pretty common one I think, "well why didn't you just confront her"

but not common among people who have been through this shit, or worked with people who are seriously traumatised and not just a bit peeved. Your nurse might understand things a bit better than your mum.