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should i go back to gp?

(953 Posts)
DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 00:37:30

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 00:12:27

Quick post from me. It seems that everyone that has posted today has had at least some positives. Hope nana is ok too.

I'm gonna shout from the rooftops because I've had a GREAT day. Not perfect but I'm not aiming for perfection and it's still been great.

I felt motivated when I woke. Took a while toget up, and I did go back to bed because I was feeling ill and had a rubbish night, so I didn't get up till noon.

Since then I've tidied the kitchen, lounge and vacuumed. I've had a bath, washed my hair and done my make up.

I was going to have take away but I resisted.

I've picked up random crisp packets before going to bed so I don't have to face them tomorrow, and they are not disrupting my tidy lounge.

I did a bit of knitting too and played cards with dtds.

No specific plans for tomorrow yet other than renewing books at village and uni libraries.

Other options include tidying my prom, building playmobil, doing weekend shop...but no decisions yet....awaits being bullied by helles grin.

Anyway. Feeling good tonight. Feeling motivated. And shouting from the rooftops smile smile smile

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 03:39:01

Maybe I should have gone yo bed...

HellesBelles396 Fri 11-Jan-13 07:26:50

Do not get me started on your bedtimes Ed! You did have a fab day and you were feeling good too - that's brill.

I'm shattered but have two nights of camp ahead of me! Signing off til Monday. Keep well, all.

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 08:39:56

Good luck on camp. Make sure you're in bed by 10 miss goody 2 shoes (ha ha grin)

I've been up...done school run (in pj's) back in bed...oops. ..but I had a good day yesterday....

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 09:16:09

(I should say I wasn't trying to be nasty about the bed a brownie leader I know how likely it is that you will be in bed by 10 !)

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 12:16:23


Breaking news

I'm getting out of bed.

And I'm getting out of bed because I want to. Not that I have to, I want to.

I'm gonna sort some washing, but I have no idea what I'm going to do after that. But I won't be in bed.

I'm shocked with myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not getting out of bed because I have to. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. It seriously feels wierd.

[Shock] [Shock] [Shock] [Shock]

NanaNina Fri 11-Jan-13 12:39:42

You were up late ED - think one post was 3.00 am this morning! Mind I'm no-one to talk - I am often up till 1.00 in the morning, but this is usually when I've had a crap day and feel better by about 8.00 in the evening, so it's good to feel "normal" for as long as poss.

Glad you are all for getting up today, and are very motivated. I think the thing I hate most about depression is the flatness, the emptiness and the lack of any motivation....yuk.

HM was asleep yesterday and I went to meet my grd dgtr from school and shopped and was "me" - but I was dashing like mad because I wanted to look at the sales and ended up losing a Gap bag with about £30 worth of stuff in. Am going back to day to see if anyone handed it in a Gap but I don't think that's where I lost it, so am revisiting M & S and Zara. He's still fast asleep and he usually stays that way,he doesn't wake during the day thankgod!!

Incidentally what are your dtds?

Hope you are OK Vicar

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 12:49:08

Yeah I know I was up late which means I was still in bed this morning. But I feel great (and freaked) out about wanting to get out of bed. I genuinely can't remember the last time I got but of bed without there being some reason I had to.

I find it really hard to explain to anyone in rl that I CAN'T get out of bed. That I physically CAN'T swing my legs over the edge and stand up. I mean that sounds so absurd right? But you are so right that the motivation is the worst part. Without motivation life really does consist of laying in bed until you NEED the loo, or food...

Anyway glad your HM is still asleep..long may it stay that way, but I know exactly how you feel about the shopping.

DTDs are my Darling Twin Daughters BTW.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:06:50

well done ed and im glad nananina that your HM is quiet.

all my plans today went to pot, but its ok. im not feeling bad about it. Ive done today what i have needed to do - which is nothing.

i awoke feeling very sick, dizzy, (i wonder if thats because i missed a dose of meds yesterday?) so i went back to bed this morning after DD had left for school. i woke up again at 9.40 but couldnt bring myself to move the cat who had cuddled right up to me. I laid awake but relaxed.

when i got up, (late morning) i had cereal and took both doses of sertraline together.

i have not got dressed today.
i havent been for a run or walked the dog (yet)

but i have done an online shop to arrive tomorrow.

im up early tomorrow, and out so im letting myself off with today. smile

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 16:20:16

Yup and you have a great day at the stables planned (I assume smile ). Tomorrow is a new day.

I haven't done anything constructive this afternoon but I have faffed with some meaningless data. But that is me. That is the old me so all is good

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 11-Jan-13 18:30:31

yep im writing today off. im still in my pjs, im afraid i have been a slob today, but i just feel so tired again, im trying to listen to my body a bit.

i am at the stables tomorrow - and i really enjoy my time there. i will have to wash my face and brush my hair if nothing much else tomorrow.

im glad you are having a good few days ed

its funny, its like i forgot what its like to feel normal and motivated these last few months. At least im starting to remember, and ive had a few good days, im not feeling particularly down today, just incredibly tired again.

im a little anxious about seeing gp again on monday, i dont feel remotely ready to get back to work - its so full on and hectic not to mention emotionally draining - not sure i can deal with that just yet. i need to be back on form at 100% to go back and i just dont think i am there yet.

anyway - enough of my ramblings. hope you are all ok this evening.

EdwiniasRevenge Fri 11-Jan-13 22:34:52

Tomorrow is another day vicar

We are all entitled to some blips. Look at me a couple of days ago.

I feel like I've had a progresful day ( I think I just made that word up). I haven't achieved masses in a practical sense but I feel as tho something small has clicked and I have make progress in my head. I am still expecting a bumpy ride, but I saw a glimpse of who I really am, who I really want to be today. I hope that keeps me motivated. Reflecting back it has made me realised how metaphorically paralysed I have been over the last few weeks and months. In a way that I would never have thought possible before it affected me.

Anyway I will get off my spiritual high horse. Wish you all well for tomorrow. I'm thinking of you all. One foot in front of the other and we will all get to where we need to be.

Hope you all sleep well...including Heller who is probably sharing a hut with 20 junior children and has a worthy excuse for not sleeping.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 11-Jan-13 22:42:13

sounds like we are in a similar place right now ed.....i too am just starting to remember who i was before i spent days in bed doing nothing....also concentrating on one foot in front of other....

hope everyone has a positive day tomorrow. x

NanaNina Fri 11-Jan-13 23:59:04

I've completly forgotten what it was like to go to bed at night, having no thought whatsoever of not being ok the following day. Mind it works the other way too, when I am "me" (that's when the HM is sound asleep) then I remember who I was, but I have realised I don't have the confidence that I used to have, and am a fair bit more hypersensitive than I was before. My emotional equilibrium is fragile.

Glad Ed and Vicar are both having glimpses of who you used to be - it's good when that happens isn't it. It's scarey isn't it when you realise how depression has made you feel, and would never have believed you would ever feel like that - I certainly had no notion of ever suffering such a horrendous illness.

I can find myself being envious of others who don't suffer this illness - I'm not usually an envious person, but the ups and downs of the illness get to me most, as I never know when a run of bad days is coming, nor how long they will last or their intensity.

Vicar - just tell the GP on Monday that you are still far from well and don't feel ready to go back to work and I'm sure you will get another sicknote.

Good day for me today, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.............

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 14:37:22

Afternoon all. Fucked my sleep pattern again. Need two alarm clocks perhaps, set 2 hours apart? I knocked off radio and alarm clock, and then lay in a half doze for some time, not knowing how much time was passing.

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 12-Jan-13 14:41:08

Sleep pattern...what's one of those grin

Mediocre day here. Got out if bed ok. Ok but not brilliant. Been to Tesco. Shopping all sitting in the kitchen. I'm ignoring it. I hate putting shopping away.

Feeling exhausted from my trip out today. Might need to sit dcs down in front of a DVD and have a nap...

NanaNina Sat 12-Jan-13 14:48:27

Crap day here - after 2 good days - WHAM the bloody HM is awake and starting to play his tricks on me. I didn't get up till 1.30 - had 2 long cries. Strange Ed but I hate putting shopping away too. Sounds like you did a bit too much this morning - take it easy for rest of day.

I am about to play scrabble with DP to try to take my mind off my thoughts. Hmm not very optimistic about that....

Are you OK SPC

Hope you are enjoying the stables Vicar though it must be cold.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 14:50:52

I'm fine, folks, thanks for asking smile

I too hate putting the shopping away!

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 12-Jan-13 17:28:39

I used to order online for delivery when I was at work so xp would have to put it away grin

Now there is no-one else. I have no choice I have to do it. But the last few weeks the non perishable have lurked on my kitchen floor for hours and sometimes days. But not too long today. All is away.

I've done some playmobil building.

No nap.

Bit flat today. Very tired. Motivation low, but not absent and but I'm out of bed.

About to cook a proper meal now tho so I need some bonus points please grin.

How's everyone else doing today?

NanaNina Sat 12-Jan-13 17:37:20

Yeah bit flat here too, though am getting better as the day goes on. Evenings are my best times. Yes definitely bonus points for cooking a proper meal. I am thinking baked spuds, cheese and salad. How old are you little twin daughters Ed - must be lovely, but quite a handful. Do you have any other children?

Was feeling I was about to fall asleep this afternoon after not getting up till 1.00 so went for a walk round the park and it's livened me up a bit. Hope you can get some peace this evening.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 18:17:38

Have just laid provisions in in case it snows but only put the fridge stuff away

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 12-Jan-13 18:27:01

Evenings are normally my most active time too, probably because I stay in bed during the day so have to be active in the evening. That's not going to be the case today because I'm shattered.

Thought you were getting up early to go to the stables? Did you not go?

Snow....surely that's a valid excuse for staying in bed? trys to calm myself down at the thought of having to stay in bed
DTDs are nearly 12 so still need a functional mother but old enough to fend for themselves at my lowest points. I also have dd3, 6, but she's a mini teen and given half a chance would be more competent than DTDs!!!!

EdwiniasRevenge Sat 12-Jan-13 20:02:34

I've have found evening fuel. I have drank almost a whole bottle of wine since blast posted. Last time I had a whole bottle of wine to myself was Christmas day...and before that was a distant old self is coming back again :D

But dinner plates are still on the table. Pots are on the hob. I can't see them being dealt with tonight.

who's bright idea was it to open a bottle ofwwine just to put in the Bolognese

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:20:21

just nipping in to say i got up 20 mins after the alarm and went to stables and spent all day (from 10.30 to 6pm) doing very very very tiring things - did 3 half hour kiddie lessons as a leader so lots of running about, mucked out a couple of stables, cleaned and filled water buckets, did hay nets, and poo picked 2 fields and baby sat 3 kids who were there to "help" and caused mayhem!

i am knackered and off to bed in a bit. But knackered in a good way. fresh air all day plus hard work has knocked me out.

i should sleep tonight (had a restless night yesterday)

feel a bit side effecty again today with the involuntary jaw clamping thing going on - no idea why now - been free of most side effects for a while now.

anyway - off to bed folks as am back at stables tomorrow riding.
goodnight all.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 21:39:19

Way to go vicar!

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