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should i go back to gp?

(953 Posts)
DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 00:37:30

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 04-Jan-13 13:30:26

morning ladies.

i look and feel a bit rubbish today, spotty and greasy and just yuk - DH wants me to get dressed and go shopping and i really dont think i can face it today.

my house is a tip and the tree needs to come down.

i still cant motivate myself at all. laid in bed late again sad and im meant to be back at work in a week....going to attempt a tidy up and then a bath and hair wash. On a positive note (i think?) we got our remortage so means we can sort out the leaky bathroom (cant use shower at moment - whole lot needs ripping out and starting again) but then again that probably means more stress...

nananina hope your day is a better one and HM is fast asleep today.

right. off to tidy up in my pjs. hope no one rings my door bell today or they will get a shock....i look flipping terrible today!

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Fri 04-Jan-13 13:35:48

Slow start here - but had a v late night, I seem to have temporarily reverted to my old pattern of staying up late and getting up late. But there's only me to please, so tis OK (alright I admit it DCat was meowing for her delayed breakfast sad blush - but she doesn't bear grudges)

NanaNina Fri 04-Jan-13 13:39:45

Hi Vicar I think that the very hardest part of parenting is when they are in their earlyteens and want their independence. I speak from experience! I cant tell you the number of nights I lay awake waiting to hear my boys come home. 17 is worse (sorry) cus some of their friends have learned to drive and off they go in a car with a very new driver..........

The other thing is that times change and when I was a kid (60 years ago!) we all went wherever we wanted from the age of about 7 as far as I remember. Most people didn't have cars so taking us places and picking us up was unheard of. Mind you do have mobile phones now which makes things easier but then your DD won't want you on the phone every verse end!

I don't think it's a good idea to alternate the doses with sertraline -think you should stick to the 100gm - do yu feel any better from when you first started taking them - how long is it now - have lost track.

OMG HB the situation with your parents sounds horrendous - I don't know your back story but assume you have had/have depression and wonder if you have inherited it from them. It all sounds exhausting for you - do they live near, and I can't help wondering how you have turned out so level headed and understanding of others when you have constantly been told you are "rubbish" - that's a terrible message to give to a child.

You sound better than me today - you posted at 08 something. I was up at 12 and feel flat and anxious, just hope I improve as day goes by.

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:20:52

nana you're scaring me! ds is 12 so I have all that to come.

re my parents, they mean well and they've both had difficult lives (ill parents, ill child (db), disabled brother (mum), aloof elderly parents (dad)). DM mostly anxiety, it makes her quite paranoid, sometimes agoraphobic. DF mostly depression - used to absent himself on long hikes. Once tried suicide (19 march, 2011). He was missing 18 hours.

They're very loving, in their way. They do a lot for me in terms of helping with ds and money. I don't like myself much when I'm around them - I over-pre-act in expectation of criticism. As an example: when I was offered a promotion a few years ago, mum said only "do you think you'll be able to manage that though?" she expects the worst. When I was pregnant and hideously depressed she said not to let the doctor know because "they" would take the baby off me. They just always expect the worst. And you see what you look for. They are somewhat estranged from DB and would be from me if it wasn't for DS.

Anyway - good news! - I got my hair cut off today and am feeling really positive and TIDY!

Re getting up: it's partly because I know the house is tidy (thanks to flylady) bit mostly because I have banished my phone from my room. I have also started putting a towel beside the shower before bed and starting to make my bed (by plumping up the pillows) while still in it. Which sounds weird but has really worked for me.

Thank you nina for the complements. I obviously come across better to others than to myself!

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:30:24

evening all

nana its been a month now on the 50mg - gp told me to alternate the dose but have taken 100mg today. Not really feeling hugely different i have to say but gp says the full treatment dose is 100mg so im going to see what difference that makes. Im still hugely lacking in motivation, and still so very tired. The larger dose has made me feel a bit sickly again.

i have however with DH blitzed the down stairs after putting the xmas tree away and we are going to blitz the upstairs tomorrow. i feel better in a tidy house.

HB i must try getting up earlier now i think - i keep saying it but not doing it. Good to see you are feeling more positive and im sure the new do looks lovely!

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:31:23

Oh, sorry, yes. Anxiety started aged 10/11, first depression aged 15. Self-medicated with cigarettes, alcohol and serial boyfriends. Eventually, aged 16 cut down food to 3 or 4 slices of bread a day. On the plus side, I lost one and a half stone in 3 weeks!

Next was at uni. Same pattern.

Next was pregnant. Couldn't drink or smoke, overate instead. Got very paranoid and worried my husband was planning to kill me.

Continued after ds born. Went into full control mode: same food for every meal, etc. Marriage broke down soldiered on. The big one was 4 years ago. Panic attacks, suicide attempt, catatonic for over a week. Moved to parents to be looked after (literally marched to shower each morning). Started medication, had 6 months of CBT.

Now: occasional bursts of heavy grey days (a run of them lately) but mostly ok. Medicated for life (10mg citalopram) can increase if see Dr but never feel up to going when I need to and when I feel up to going I don't need to!

I work as an HLTA in a secondary school. Studying through OU to complete my degree and I'm a scout leader. DM thinks I do too much for "someone like me". I find I feel worse if left to my own devices.

That's my core back story!

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:34:08

vicar hopefully, once you're on a settled dose, you'll feeluh better. Seriously, try banishing your phone from your bedroom - I'm going to sleep earlier too. And sleeping better once asleep. Don't know how I'll fare at getting up on Monday for work sad.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:40:15

i truly hope so hb - today i feel and look shocking and im starting to feel paranoid that there is something physically wrong with me - i am getting another sodding cold sore, (just got rid of one) the verrucas (28 of them) on my feet are paining me and getting bigger and bigger (one is now the size of a £2 coin and hurts) i keep getting repeated ulcers in my mouth (just got rid of 2) it feels like my mind and body have given up the ghost just now.

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:44:54

Oh vicar that sounds awful. I know they are all infections that flare up at times of stress but that does seem extreme. What did the gp say about them?

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 04-Jan-13 17:51:19

not a lot - i was meant to have another blood test but she forgot to give me the forms....

ill remind her next monday when im back to see her. so far nothing has shown up in bloods so im probably worrying over nothing but all these little health niggles add up to one big niggle. ive been off 6 weeks and still no real improvement in my physical health and i have the endoscopy to look forward to at the end of the month. sad

hey ho. maybe i will feel a bit more with it tomorrow. DH says i should get up and go for a run.

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 18:04:40

Do you like to run? if not, a walk might be better!

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 20:48:18

Grr! feeling very grumpy and snappy (poor ds!). The assistant cub scout leader was supposed to be coming across tonight to start planning and cancelled by email twenty minutes before she was due to arrive!

Part of the reason I annoyed is because, originally, we'd agreed to split the work but she only planned and ran one out of 14 meetings last term.

Sorry for rant!

How is everyone now?

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:18:17

you rant away hb - its what the thread is for.

im ok, but typically im starting to wake up now even though im yawning for england i dont feel sleepy anymore.

im going to attempt to get up earlier tomorrow (if dh doesnt snore - he is off tonight)
what i would like to do is have a short run and then a bath, hair wash and to emerge looking (and feeling) a little more human....

we shall see. im not terribly optimistic.

HellesBelles396 Fri 04-Jan-13 21:24:56

it's fantastic that you want to do that *vicar? what would make it easier to do?

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 04-Jan-13 22:45:11

i really dont know.....theres the rub.

i used to do it. no problem. now i find the motivation has left me.

but ill see how i feel in the morning.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Fri 04-Jan-13 23:09:08

Having accidentally shifted my sleeping pattern to about 4 hours later than it should be I am planning a relatively early night tonight, to try and match up with the outside world again, not to mention the daylight, or at least a few more hours of it.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 05-Jan-13 00:26:02

on the one hand i feel i should do the same and then on the other my shifts mean that it doesnt benefit me to do that.

so im conflicted about whether to try and get back into the land of the living knowing it will be shortlived as when im back on shift i will need to start to learn to stay up later and later....

im sure shifts are contributing to the general crapness. im never just on one shift either so cant get into any pattern.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 05-Jan-13 00:40:33

Am going to bed in a second, honest! My psychology degree 40 years ago included stuff about how changing shifts messes you up - it takes at least a fortnight to adapt, so if shifts change more often than that, you never do. Several folk worked rotating shifts on the street I used to live in - and they all looked like they never woke up properly.

Night all.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 05-Jan-13 00:42:25

i can relate to that.
gnite pussycat sleep well.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 05-Jan-13 10:15:54

Would have slept well - but was too hot to start off with as accidentally left the heating on... Realised eventually, have at least managed a partial reset of time, although still in dressing gown

NanaNina Sat 05-Jan-13 14:17:26

Thank you for your back story HB sounds like you have suffered a lot. Sorry can't say more as feeling totally and utterly crap - only just up - and cried so much this morning. I'm beginning to feel this will never end. Love to everyone x

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 05-Jan-13 14:17:43

well i did absolutely abysmally - couldnt sleep, then slept really heavily, woke at 5am, went back to sleep, woke at 9.40 and thought i would get up, but i drifted back off and then could not lever my arse out of bed for love nor money.

i was awake - just couldnt move. so ive just got up. and feel crap. and its my own fault because i know the later i sleep and the more time i stay in bed the worse i feel, but i did take a double dose of sertraline yesterday and it seems to really make me fatigued. (excuses excuses)
feeling annoyed with myself now.

HellesBelles396 Sat 05-Jan-13 14:50:05

Vicar, silvery: your sleep will settle down, just keep trying one day at a time.

Vicar: would setting out your running gear beside the bed help? Visualising a route and what music (feelgood music) you would listen to?

Nina I haven't suffered at all. I've been blessed really. The vast majority of people in the world have had much worse lives than me. Just some days, I forget that!

Today was tricky to get up and, if I hadn't had a student coming round for tutoring, I think I would have lain for longer.

I haven't done much flylady-wise today. Cleaned the sink and the loo though. Out tonight (wish I wasn't really). A Jamie Oliver party at the home of a friend of a friend. At least I don't have to leave the village!

Busy day tomorrow. I'm doing a reading at church (plusside: will have to get up, downside: will have to get up). Then shopping for next week's scout camp and pre-cooking whatever I can.

I hope all your days improve. This probably sounds quite strange but I'm feeling guilty that I'm having a better time of it at the moment than the rest of you. Weird or what?!

Seriously, try flylady. It has made such a difference. Though, knowing me, I'll give up once the novelty has worn off

No! That's the depression talking. I will persevere. I am the sort of person who does:
smile I have a degree and am working to improve it.
smile I gave up smoking (over three years ago).
smile I am raising a child.
smile I bought my own home with despite having a low income and no financial support from f-of-ds.
smile I have come back from several depressions.
smile I completely changed my life when I realised that my previous job (repping) was contributing to my anxiety and depression.
smile despite only 2 years and one term's experience, I am considered one of the best HLTA's at my school.
smile one of the teachers at my school got observed and one of the things the member of the SLT said to her was "Helles has to become a teacher"

Wow! That worked, I am feeling much more positive.

Please feel free to do the same.

I realise now that
I hope all your days improve. This probably sounds quite strange but I'm feeling guilty that I'm having a better time of it at the moment than the rest of you. Weird or what?!
Was probably the depression talking too. Generalised guilt.

HellesBelles396 Sat 05-Jan-13 14:51:29

Ooh vicar

Just got call from dm. She's been moved off sertraline onto fluoxetine because it was causing insomnia and tremors.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 05-Jan-13 15:17:53

helles that is a brilliant post. im glad you are feeling positive. Yes i need to put my running gear by the side of the bed, get my ipod charged up and go on monday. i will do that.
tomorrow i am riding so will get up.

interesting about your DM, i see gp again in a week so will mention if i am still getting the weird and wonderful side effects - i think there are limits to what i can take due to the reflux problem i have though....

i need to change my job i think. i just dont know what to.

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