O.oh dear this feels weird, am finally delurking after some years of reading mumsnet to see if anyone has been where I am now. And if they have what did they do.
As some background, I have a stressful job with regular incidents of burnout in the team. I can deal with the stress as long as my head is behaving itself, however if i am having a decline the exact same level of stress is too much to handle. So it's not the job it is my ability to handle it that is variable. Have been doing this job since 2003.
Mental health history goes as follows:
2007 - first official episode of depression, although looking back I have had similar symptoms before that i have ignored/worked though. Hits me hard as i have a family member with MH probs and have secretly had a bit of a "pull yourself together" attitude - serves me right. Have six months off work (v supportive employer) and prescribed Citalopram. Also attend counselling which feels like a lengthy moaning session on my part but otherwise didn't seem to have a long term effect. The combination seems to work, graduated return to the job, stay on the tablets for just over a year and eventually decide i am coping ok, take myself off them and with a bit of ignoring the odd wobble i seem to be back in the saddle.
2010 - start to recognise that i am having the same "stressy" symptoms as previously.
There is a big reorganisation at work which is increasing the level of stress for all concerned, that plus a decline on my part takes me back to the GP, back to Citalopram and back off sick for seven months. The lengthier time off is due to family illness. my mother is in her nineties and had a serious illness at that time. Citalopram isn't working as well for me this time so am switched to Sertraline. This seems to take effect after a while, the feeling of stress/depression is still in the background but doesn't swamp me like it was before.
Mum recovers from the illness, i make a phased return to work again and drop to four days a week at the recomendation of the occupational health team. Work are again very understanding and supportive and the workload ls increased gradually and appropriately to the level (they tell me) of a four days a week worker.
Me and DH move in with mum as her carers with a package of support for when we are at work. We have no other family members who are reliable and can share the load (will spare the details of the family we DO have, that is a whole other posting).
2012 - i am still on Sertraline but start to realise that the stress/depression feelings are starting to come to the fore again. Not all the time, some days are fine but some are awful. Have a couple of really bad days at work - don't want to sound secretive but can't give details, suffice to say that i have some really upset/angry/threatening people who blame me for their situations. And because i am feeling wobbly I feel more responsibility for this than normal.
This leads to the extra glass of wine or two to relax which I know doesn't help depression. But only on the evenings when I have the day off the following day, I don't want to add hangovers at work to the problems.
In retrospect the last couple of weeks have been awful, I have been forcing myself into work, not doing as good a job as i should be, getting behind on paperwork and generally being pathetic. But not wanting to acknowledge how bad i was getting and have worked like mad to try and keep the same level of work up. I've had bad patches before and have come through them so was hoping this was just another one. And I hate saying that I am not coping, not being up to the job is to me a sign of weakness.
Yesterday i was dry heaving in the loo. don't know why but seemed to be linked to not wanting to be there. And then went straight into a meeting with two people that increased my stress levels no end. Have been semi-wishing to get flu or have a crisis at home that requires me to take some time off - a pretty horrible thing to wish for when i think about it.
I have spoken to the boss about how i am feeling. Promises were made that extra support would be made available to me but in practical terms it either didn't arrive or wasn't what was needed. Or it wasn't enough to make me feel better.
I spoke to the boss again yesterday and had a melt down, have booked a GP appointment for Friday. I haven't a clue what will happen, I am already taking tablets that should be relieving the feelings so where will i go from here? I feel spaced out on the meds I'm on, an increase would stuff me altogether on the work front.
Other people can cope, why can't I?
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
I feel cr*p again but this time am already on the tablets...
OccultGnu · 07/11/2012 18:18
Because you are human darling.
I have suffered a similar but not quite the same sort of situation. Fooled myself into thinking I was completely better and went back too work too soon (8 weeks after starting back on meds) only to be told by my manager that she didn't think I was we'll enough to be back at work. Apparently 80% better is not good enough, she wants me 100% better before I go back. My gp signed me off for a month and doubled my mediation. I feel shit again, partly through loss of confidence and sense of failure but also side effects from medication. I could sleep all day but stay awake all night, it's a viscous circle.
I would have a chat with your doctor and to be honest, if you feel that bad about going into work it is time to have some time off, what do you do?
I am a midwife and sometimes the responsibility and heartbreak just kills me. Only last week in the team I work with a mum committed suicide and a baby died of cot death. Sometimes my head and my heart do not have room for it all to be able to cope with it.
Would you judge someone else's ability to cope when they are feeling unwell. It's time to cut yourself a bit of slack, acknowledge how you are feeling and allow yourself time to recover.
I really hope you feel better soon.
Please be as open and honest as you can with you colleueges and your doctor so that they can help you feel better 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.