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Think I had some sort of breakdown today

(46 Posts)
deliciouscrunchycorn Tue 06-Nov-12 17:57:00

AM not sure what happened.

I have a 4YO. He has just been excluded, permanently, from school.
He does not have a statement (note in lieu)
How can the school both say they can cope with him (re. note in leiu) but can't (expulsion) all the same time.
I have spent the day in tears and really, really cold. Unable to get warm at all.

I have fed and looked after the children, but I feel utterly cold. I am freezing. I cannot cope with this.

Ruprekt Tue 06-Nov-12 17:58:19

You poor thing.

What was he excluded for?

Has this been an ongoing situation?

What happens now?

deliciouscrunchycorn Tue 06-Nov-12 18:01:13

Behaviour. It is terrible at school. He's 4, so since septmber. Now, I guess I am on my own. Teh school will not have him back. If I want him in another school, I will have to reapply.

I don't know why he does it. He is fine at home.

FellatioNelson Tue 06-Nov-12 18:03:53

Do you have diagnosed MH issues which may be impacting on your son's behavior, or are you feeling stressed/depressed purely because of your son? Start at the beginning.

deliciouscrunchycorn Tue 06-Nov-12 18:11:42

It is simply because of my son. I don't know what to do. If I read or hear about one more person who 'blames the parents' I will lose it. I do everything right. He is just unmanageable

BabsJansen Tue 06-Nov-12 18:13:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deliciouscrunchycorn Tue 06-Nov-12 18:24:59

Nothing 'concrete' beforehand.
lots of 'being sent home (mostly thru illness - though I think we all agree illness had nothing to do with it, but that's what it officially says) but no exclusions. His behaviour is bad thou.

beakysmum Tue 06-Nov-12 20:21:04

Can you give any examples of his bad behaviour at school? What triggers him? How do school respond to him?

Did he attend pre-school / nursery? Did any one have concerns about his behaviour there? And you are happy with his behaviour at home? Yoe say you fed the children, you have other children?

What does he say about him behaving the way he does?

Lots of hugs, this sounds awful for you. Really stressful. My sister was told on a Thursday that her son could no longer go to his school from Friday and she works full time, but this was not in the UK.

x x

Hoophopes Tue 06-Nov-12 21:53:12

Hi - you have the right to appeal the exclusion and many children do get readmitted through this. Has this process been explained to you - as exclusion is no longer a permanent, not to be challenged status. I would contact the school and/or Local Authority you are in to find out more if you want to appeal. Also it sounds awful they have permanently excluded without this being part of a process. Can you ask for an assessment of his behaviour - as many children have reasons why they behave such a way (physical issues not diagnosed for eg), perhaps ask your health visitor for support in testing any obvious areas (hearing, sight etc etc) and see what support you can get. If he has diagnosed behavioural issues the school should give him specific support and routines, even an extra support worker to help him stay in mainstream.

clam Tue 06-Nov-12 22:11:24

I'm staggered that they could permanently exclude a 4 year old, who's only been in school 8 weeks. We currently have a child in Year 4, whose behaviour is very extreme and has been for years, and the Head has been told it's going to be virtually impossible to exclude him permanently.

Your ds must be assessed by behavioural support teams and a plan put in place to support him in school. You need to get advice on this - but first of all you need to take care of yourself. Is there anyone who could be with you this evening?

EdgarAllansPo Tue 06-Nov-12 22:16:57

You feeling cold could be that you're in shock. Have something sweet to eat, or tea with sugar, and something with complex carbohydrates, such as wholemeal pasta (any pasta would do). As Babs said, go to your docs if you don't feel better. brew

Am not sure what to suggest about your son, but just want to give you some support. You are doing your best! Sounds as if you will have to either take on home education, or take on the education system now. Lots of work for you, but you have the internet to help guide you and Mumsnetters will be able to help advise.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Tue 06-Nov-12 22:25:03

Tell me about your son. How does he misbehave in school?

I'm just asking as my DS had terrible meltdowns in school, would run off when asked to come in after playtime and all sorts of things. I went to the GP and asked for a referral to a developmental psych for help. Could you do that?

I also agree that it sounds like you're in shock. {{hugs}} you poor thing.

Ruprekt Tue 06-Nov-12 22:35:58

I am also astounded at a 4 yr old being excluded without some measures taking place.

We deal with some really extreme behaviour in our school but we have amazing support staff and employ more when we have to do so.

Am surprised as well that a 'managed transfer' to another school was not done before total exclusion.

Can you tell us more about him and what he has done?

Selks Tue 06-Nov-12 22:37:30

Ring your local councils education department for advice. They are duty bound to provide an education for your son and there may well be someone there who is helpful.
To be honest if your son only behaves poorly at school and not at all at home then that indicates to me that there had been something wrong in the school. They should be able to support the needs of the vast majority of children including those with challenging behaviours without permanent exclusion after only eight weeks. If it was me I would be wanting answers from the school about what have they put in place to support your son, what measures have they used to manage his behaviour and why has it not been effective - have they actually offered him enough support / input? How have they handled his behaviour? They owe you an explanation.
For tonight, try not to freak out about it all. You are anxious and stressed about it - that's why you feel like you do, and that feeling of not being able to cope is the panicky anxiety. Best thing to do is to allow yourself a few days thinking time. You do not have to do anything straight away until you've recovered from the shock and gathered your thoughts. Get a good nights sleep then tackle it one day at a time.

ReallyTired Tue 06-Nov-12 22:44:26

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I agree that you should ask for a referal to a community paediatian to rule out any medical issues.

I feel staggered that a four year old has been permamently excluded. Most schools bend over backwards to make inclusion work.

clam Tue 06-Nov-12 22:48:47

"To be honest if your son only behaves poorly at school and not at all at home then that indicates to me that there had been something wrong in the school."
Not necessarily. Sometimes children just cannot cope with the hurly-burly nature of school, and the expectations on them for conforming to routines and rules. Often that can be alien to a child.
BUT, that said, you should have been called in to discuss how best to support him. He's in Reception - they must be totally used to children taking a while to settle, so it's clearly more than that.
What did he actually do to trigger this exclusion?

Although actually, I've just noticed that this post is in Mental Health, not Education, so maybe that's not the most important thing at the moment. Getting support for you is key here.

Deliciouscrunchycorn Wed 07-Nov-12 05:57:23

School is over. I just have any fight left. DS doesn't want to be there and they don't want him there.

I am too tired.
Tired of being the one everyone looks...
That combination of pity and 'at least it's not me' smugness. Tired of the 'helpful' comments...
The 'we've all had days like that'... Yeah, well unless every single day you've had in the last 3 months has been 'like that', you have no clue
The 'it'll be someone elses child tomorrow'... Actual, no it fucking won't. It'll be mine. Again.
The 'he'll get over it'. Again. No he fucking won't.
And don't even get me started on the 'have you tried...?'... No, of course not. I think dealing with this is fucking hilarious. Of course, I haven't tried everything I can think of to resolve it /manage it.

And that's it. I'm immediately aggressive and defensive to everyone now, even you lot who are trying to be kind. Because if I don't keep up the wall... I'll cry (tho, I'll let you into a secret, I'm doing that too)

FellatioNelson Wed 07-Nov-12 08:48:55

sad I know exactly what you mean about the pity and smugness. I have known a few children who have had problems like this, and in almost all the cases I know it really hasn't been the parents' fault - honestly. And people can be very cruel and judgmental about things like this. I really hope you will go to the doctor and have a good old cry today. Hopeful your GP will be able to arrange some kind of assessment to see if your son is having sensory overload problems? Is there anything going on at home that is unsettling him and giving him separation anxiety? Does he socialize well with his peers usually? Any problems in pre-school?

It can and will get better, but not overnight. Try to keep calm and not take it personally. (is that a hollow laugh I hear?winksmile)

FellatioNelson Wed 07-Nov-12 08:54:45

My son was a late August baby and found it very hard to settle in reception. I got called into the head's office one day because he's been told off for being naughty and uncooperative. Turns out he's climbed under one of the tables in a corner and refused to come out because he as feeling 'a bit tired'. Also, he'd 'stolen' the plastic knife from the home corner and put it in his belt loop, like Peter Pan's dagger, so he could play Peter Pan. That just sounds like imagination and resourcefulness to me - I completely understood that he was mimicking Peter Pan from the Disney film - the head thought he was the next Peter Sutcliffe or Reggie Kray. hmm He was four and two months.

FellatioNelson Wed 07-Nov-12 08:55:16

oops, sorry for typos.

Deliciouscrunchycorn Wed 07-Nov-12 09:33:17

The school know / knew my DS has autism, sensory problems and ADHD. They have done EVERYTHING in their power to ensure he did not get a statement. Yet, clearly, they cannot / couldn't cope.

My DS did nothing violent or aggressive, but he is unmanageable in a group situation of 30 kids without help.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I cannot remember most of yesterday. I'm still cold (yet every now and again I get really really hot), teary and a bit shakey but not like yesterday. It was like I was on auto pilot. I cooked for the kids, bathed them, got them into bed... read them a story... Can't even remember what I read them.

I feel so unbelieveably sad. I'm out of ideas.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Wed 07-Nov-12 09:57:48

My DS has Autism and similar problems. The school should be ashamed of themselves for excluding him, they really should.

You need to contact your LEA and ask to get in contact with whoever does their Parent Partnership so you can get some help and advocacy to help you deal with this.

I'm angry on your behalf. Hope you can get this resolved.

deliciouscrunchycorn Wed 07-Nov-12 10:14:00

There is no resolution now. I will not contact the school or the LEA again. They have been no help and, after yesterday, I don't believe they either want to or know how to help my son.

Today, and going forward, I have to work how I'm going to do this myself. I think I realised that yesterday, which is why I had some sort of reaction to it.

I know no one else will help us. I pleaded yesterday, I cried. I will do neither of those things again.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Wed 07-Nov-12 10:17:50

Do you know what you're going to do instead? Is it parent partnership that you've spoken to before? I found them to be a lot better than the LEA education office.

They can't exclude a 4yo for ever. If they are saying that his needs are greater than the school can provide, the LEA needs to look at alternatives.

Deliciouschrunchycorn Wed 07-Nov-12 10:24:09

I'm going to HE. After a little while to adjust to this (he's currently in bed, with the blinds down as it's all a bit much for him... I think he also senses that yesterday was a very bad da, so I am just giving him some space)

I don't know who 'They' are anymore. The LEA are saying the school can cope (and on paper the school are saying the same) but the school - in practice - are sending him home before 9:30am. (they start at 8:55am... his record is 9:03 when they called me to collect him). Mostly, it's because he is 'ill' or 'upset' but yesterday they just told me to take him away. No reason other than his behaviour is too frustrating / too annoying / too time consuming.

I no longer have any faith in 'these people' to help me or my son.

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