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I'm broken and I can't do this anymore

(21 Posts)
queencat Sun 04-Nov-12 21:53:25

I don't know if there is anyone that can help me.

I feel so alone. I'm a single mum of 3, my middle child is in the throes of being diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.

I can't get her to go to bed, she is screaming at me that she hates me. I'm in my room just in floods of tears. I'm so tired of all this I can't do it anymore. Her father does not believe me he says she doesn't act like it with him and his partner.

I really can't go on like this. I'm not the right parent for her, I'm fucking this up. I'm fucking up the other two. I screamed at my eldest to go to fucking bed.

I'm just a horrible horrible mother. They don't do thus for anyone else. Just me,

They are better off with their father. I don't know how to go on.

I just want to go to sleep.

GRW Sun 04-Nov-12 22:43:00

I am sorry, it sounds really hard for you. Looking after 3 children on your own is difficult enough without having to cope with additional needs and uncertainty.

You are not a horrible mother, just stressed and in need of support. I hope you have family and friends you can call when things get really hard.
Can you have a chat with your health visitor or make an appointment to see your GP and be honest about how bad you feel.

I hope she has gone to sleep now.

kiwigirl42 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:54:04

You sound utterly exhausted and at the end of your tether.
I hope you manage to get some sleep and get to the GP for some help. Tell smug ex DP to fuck off from me, will ya?

ClareMarriott Mon 05-Nov-12 17:50:58

Dear Queencat

Could it be that not only are you dealing with the separation from your DH but so are your children ? . How long ago was this and how old are they? If this is possible and you have family close by that could look after the children, why don't you give yourself some time to yourself to think about what direction you and your children's lives will take and also to read up on what ADHD and ASD so they don't seem so scary?

amillionyears Mon 05-Nov-12 17:56:02

how are things today op?
[I realise they wont be all magically better]

queencat Mon 05-Nov-12 20:06:40

I had work today so had to get through that. Just walked through the door. We have been separated for two and a half years. I know I haven't been great and hold my hands up to it. I was useless for the first 18 months and I still find the whole thing just unbelievable. I can't get my head around it, went from being happy to having a completely different life. I now have little to no money, work all the hours and my children just run rings around me. His life appears to be 1000 times better and it's so hard to cope with. He can't see there are issues with my child. He says its all in my head. I'm beginning to think it is.

amillionyears Mon 05-Nov-12 20:11:54

How often does your ex have the children?

queencat Mon 05-Nov-12 21:35:49

Every other weekend and once for tea.

amillionyears Mon 05-Nov-12 21:38:17

That isnt a lot.
Would you like him to have them for longer?

queencat Mon 05-Nov-12 21:47:20

No they have after school clubs and he does not live by so not really possible. They go for two days every other weekend and its made quite clear that he has a weekend off from them. I should say I always have my eldest with me as its not his child and that father hasn't been on the scene for many years.

Cynner Mon 05-Nov-12 21:53:08

Queencat, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have a ds diagnosed with Asbergers and a five year dd also in middle of diagnosis for ADHD and sensory Intergration issues. I know how disheartening and exhausting all of this can be.
I dealt with an xhusband not able/ willing to understand his son's special needs. Sometimes, being a mum feels very lonely. I can only offer words of encouragement and support. Xx

amillionyears Mon 05-Nov-12 21:53:37

Do you have any friends or any family at all?
Sorry for all the questions. You dont have to answer me if you dont want to.

queencat Mon 05-Nov-12 22:12:59

That's ok, I don't have any family near by and I do have friends but kind if get the impression that they are bored of it. No one I could leave the more with, put it that way.

Cynner Mon 05-Nov-12 22:17:06

I would be so sad if my friends were not able to be supportive. Did you get any outside resources suggested during your child's diagnosis?

Cynner Mon 05-Nov-12 22:20:14

You might want to check out autism resources online...I think their address is autismnetworks.org...

tethersend Mon 05-Nov-12 22:22:07

If it's of any comfort, IME most children tend to get angry/lose control with the people they feel safe with. More often than not, this is with a parent they are securely attached to, as they know they can let it all out and the parent will still love them afterwards.

Of course, this doesn't help the practicalities of the situation or change the fact that it hurts like hell, but please don't assume that your children have a better relationship with their father just because they are better behaved with him when actually the opposite may be true.

Cynner Mon 05-Nov-12 22:27:09

What tethers said...in my situation my xhusband is the "fun" parent. Dinners out, cinema, staying up late. I am much more skint and can't do fancy things for my children. I also insist on normal meals and early bedtime..

keekeeblue Tue 06-Nov-12 13:14:51

Completely agree with tethers. Your children are definitely acting out because you love them unconditionally/and they feel safe with you. The XH has a new life for himself and doesn't see the children everyday therefore he has no idea what daily family life is like. As Cynner says the XH is usually the fun parent and my XH tries to be more like a friend than a parent which is not helpful.

Just remember your children love you and you love them dearly. You are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances. x

Cynner Tue 06-Nov-12 13:28:49

Hello Queencat, just checking in to see how things are today..
KeeKee, I almost feel like I have retrain my children, when they return home from weekends with xhusband.

keekeeblue Wed 07-Nov-12 16:11:17

Completely agree Cynner, we usually have a difficult 24/48 hours when DS comes home while he adjusts to home life again. I feel for him though as two different types of parenting must be sometimes confusing, I try not to let him play on it though, and thankfully he passed the stage where he tries to play us off against each other. When he was 3/4 yo he used to shout and scream at me that he hated me and wanted to live with his Dad. I used to get so upset until one time when I went upstairs to get the suitcase and said right then if you want to live with Dad let's get your things packed. He didn't do it after that!

Cynner Wed 07-Nov-12 16:26:54

Keekee, I have had the same things said to me by dd. When she turned twelve I allowed her to live with her father. Everything was wonderful and brilliant in the beginning. As the year past she came to know cracks in xhusbands facade.
She is happily back with me now.
I absolutely agree with your statement about children instinctively understanding who they are safe with.

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