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Scared breaking down all over again(2 Posts)
It's Sunday evening and I am at that point where I am panicking about going into work tomorrow. I'm not sleeping during the week due and when it comes to Friday and Saturday nights, I end up collapsing and the exhaustion kicks in.
I am on edge every day and it is quickly manifesting itself in my home life. I just feel so anxious and panicky all the time. I've had a cold on off for weeks which I can't shake off (not uncommon I know) but I suspect my immune system is all over the place because of my well being.
I work full time in marketing for a corporate organisation and it just isn't me. I am a terrible bull s***er and it seems that to get on in this place you need to be bloody thick-skinned and I'm not. It isn't the work per se although the load is pretty intense, it is mainly the environment.
My manager is completely unapproachable and his favourite expression is along the lines of... I want solutions not problems. I am the only marketer within my product team and no one else in the team has the same line manager as me, so they don't directly work with him and don't understand the full extent of what he is like.
He is incredibly manipulative, always putting pressure on and incredibly demanding. I know this isn't uncommon in the workplace but I feel like his expectations are often unrealistic. He has asked my opinion on what I think of his management style and I end up not telling the truth because I'm scared of the consequences if I dare to challenge him. He is so intimidating.
On top of this, I'm freelancing in the evenings to make ends meet which doesn't help with the sleep situation as often I am up for hours on end doing this too. I am also studying an intensive college course which is also incredibly demanding. I'm a lone parent and although my parents aren't too far away, I don't want to put on them any more than I already do (they help with the school pick-up/childcare during the week).
Two years ago in my last job, I was signed off sick for two months following a breakdown as I wasn't coping very well. I am terrified that this is going to happen again before I get out of this job. I am trying desperately to keep it together but I am struggling. I am constantly exhausted, teary, anxious, stressed at the moment.
I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia a couple of years back and the constant up/down coupled with anxiety and panic is crippling some days. I have had lots of therapy including CBT/psychotheraphy/crisis intervention and plenty of meds to help but I am really scared that I am about to hit rock bottom again.
I am trying to avoid getting signed off, as I don't know if I could go back into the environment I am in without worrying about what everyone thinks/knows. Three people that work under my current manager have been signed off and he has a tendency to publicly announce to the department that they are on sick leave and then lists the reasons why. There's no way I could deal with that if I went off and had to go back.
I apologise in advance for the monologue, I just don't really know where else to turn. I probably should have posted this in am i being unreasonable because Im sure someone will tell me to pull it together but I just don't know what to do.
Blimey the fact that three people under your manager are signed off sick says a lot about the work environment.
I'm so sorry you are in this way. I'm also feeling anxious (see my threads) so please don't think you are alone. I'm currently convinced I have early dementia as I'm so forgetful and have just had a breakdown about going into work tomorrow - and the fact I'm dreading it. My brain can't cope at the moment.
Thinking of you x
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