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I want to hurt myself

(37 Posts)
TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 22:10:49

I tried to throw myself down the stairs. It didn't work - too much of a wuss. I'm disabled, have DH who is wonderful but doesn't really understand depression, a DS with ASD and a DD who is 1. I'd like to die but then I think about my DCs living without a mother and I couldn't do that to them.

I just can't cope. I want to escape. If I hurt myself enough I might get to stay in hospital for a while. Plus I could get painkillers for the constant pain I am in.

I told DH about how I'm feeling and he said he'd hate it if I was hurt. But I hurt all the time anyway. I'm a crap mother to DS and DD. they deserve so much better.

I hate myself sad

lucyellenmum Thu 01-Nov-12 22:13:51

Please don't hurt yourself, yes you might be in hospital for a few days but you might damage yourself permanently and mean you cannot do anything at all for your children!

Talk to me, why are you in pain? If you are in constant pain you must be able to get medication to help? Is it that the pain meds you are on just now aren't working?

You are not a crap mother, your children deserve for you to be there for them.

Aspiemum2 Thu 01-Nov-12 22:18:14

You are not a crap mother at all. You have a child on the spectrum and a toddler, that's a heck of a lot to deal with so don't be so hard on yourself.

Do you have real life support? Have you been to your dr?

If it helps to pm me then please feel free, I'm a pretty good listener grin.

Please don't be so critical of yourself though, I'm sure you're doing a fab job even if you don't think so

Wolfiefan Thu 01-Nov-12 22:18:32

I think it must be braver to seek help.
Are you eligible for any kind of respite care? What about a review of meds? There must be something you could get without being admitted. What about a pain clinic? Try keeping a diary of how you feel and taking that along or taking a representative with you to the GP to insist you need urgent help. You are clearly not well and struggling. You need help and you deserve to feel better.
Sorry but hug!

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 22:27:14

I'm on morphine for pain, I can't go any higher. I went to CBT but the woman was awful and told me I should just "get over it because your son has more problems than you do".

I just want to get away. I can't cope with DS' behaviour and I shout, which makes it worse, and he can't help what he does but still I get angry. Sometimes I feel that he'd be better off without me because I can't treat him better. He hasn't got a school place yet because we moved so he's been at home full time since June. I can't take him out much because it hurts to walk.

I don't know what to do anymore. Money is so tight because DH is my carer so neither of us work. If I could just break my leg or something maybe we'd get more help.

Wolfiefan Thu 01-Nov-12 22:32:09

Can they add something to morphine?
Woman sounds awful. Back to GP or see someone else?
You really sound like you need some practical help. When can he start school? Any chance of respite before that? (Even an hour could help.)
Can/does DH take him out? (Sorry it's difficult as I don't know exactly what his/your needs are. )

Aspiemum2 Thu 01-Nov-12 22:36:34

Have you tried social services? I know they get a bad press but I took a chance and asked them for help when ds was diagnosed. It was a tough time with daily rages but they were great and took him out for a few hours every week.

It is hard when it's 24/7 - I had to home school ds for about a year as school wasn't able to cope. Just remember that, trained teachers couldn't cope but mums like us do it day in day out - I think that makes us pretty awesome!

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, I'm guessing morphine is about as strong as it gets? Can they combine it with something else? Sorry, I know nothing about this sort of thing although a df does well with ketamine

lucyellenmum Thu 01-Nov-12 22:39:10

Twisty, that is outrageous about the CBT woman - fuck me, why are you having CBT anyway? Your problems are real practical problems - how is CBT going to help with that? Not that mental health problems aren't real, of course they are (i have CBT for mh issues) but CBT isn't want you need, its more support with your condition and more help for your son.

Could you post in special needs section regarding getting additional support for your son? There will be plenty of mums with lots of experience to help you.

I think you need to make a nuisance of yourself with your doctor, they need to sort your pain meds out and maybe consider some ADs for you?

My DD doesn't have any additional needs but sometiems i shout at her, that doesn't make me a bad mother imo, it just makes me a mother to a willful little girl who sometimes loses her rag. So long as you have a cuddle afterwards, and he knows you love him, its really OK. We have to give our children boundaries - show me a mother who tells you she has never shouted at her children, i'll show you a fibber!

You do sound at the end of your tether - please go to your doctor, or your HV - she may be able to refer you for additional support. Do you have a homestart in your area?

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 22:49:04

I can add paracetamol hmm and I'm awaiting fun times at the pain clinic. I'm scared of going to social services because they'll think I'm a loon and they'll take him away. And even though sometimes I feel like I hate him, I really do love him. I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

I am aware that this is all me, me, me, but I feel like I've put everyone else first, now it's my turn. And I'd like to die.

Wolfiefan Thu 01-Nov-12 22:54:48

You love your child but your pain and problems make it impossible to cope.
You are doing your best against the impossible.
You NEED help.
This is not mememe. It's about what you AND your family need.
Why fun times at the pain clinic? Are they unhelpful? Seriously find someone to come with you and support you. Take evidence of how bad things are. You deserve to be helped.

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 22:57:03

Sometimes I wonder if he loves me. I don't want him to be frightened of me. I shout a lot. Only when he does dangerous things. But that seems to be every day at the moment.

He opened all the muller corners yesterday morning and I cried. That's not normal is it?

I'm on citalopram ATM, 40mg.

Maybe I should go to the doctor again. I think they hate me, I practically live at the surgery.

Wolfiefan Thu 01-Nov-12 23:02:06

I doubt they hate you. (My GP is sick of me though!) if they knew how you really feel they'd realise you need their help.
I don't think there are rules about when you can cry but I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed at the moment.
I'm sure he loves you.

lucyellenmum Thu 01-Nov-12 23:02:48

You are NOT selfish, people can only cope with so much - you need help. Right now i think it would be great if you could talk to someone 08457 90 90 90 is the number of the samaritans. Please give them a call - or even email them. They can help .

I know this sounds really silly but do you take your pain meds the minute you can? so every four hours or whenever the course is? I was told when i had gallstones not to wait for the pain to get bad, but to keep it at bay by taking painkillers regularly, apparently this works better. Also, you say you can add paracetemol, but can you take ibruprofen/neurofen too? If so, this works synergistically (both together they are better than just adding them together, if that makes sense) and you can intersperse the dosage. they are safe to take together but obviously you need to check that you can take them wiht your other meds. Also ibruproen not good if you have stomach problems.

You sound exhausted honey, why not give the samaritans a call and try and get some sleep x

lucyellenmum Thu 01-Nov-12 23:05:52

Twisty, ordinarily id be pretty pissed off if DD opened all the yoghurts yes, i probably wouldn't cry. But if i were tired, in pain and having a hard time, yes this is the sort of straw that breaks the camel back that would have me in floods of tears.

How long have you been on the citalopram? Do you feel it helps (it is one of the cheaper ones and there are alternatives)

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 23:13:03

I take the morphine every 12 hours, to the second almost. I'm also on diclofenac, and loads of other ones. I take sedatives to help me sleep.

I said fun times at the pain clinic because my expectations aren't very high. My pain started a year ago and it's taken me this long to see them (partly due to moving, I may add). I've had physio, which failed spectacularly for three months, and then was passed from pillar to post until my GP could find a department willing to deal with me. I thought maybe it was my fault because the pain is in my back, so I'm the classic "can't work because she has a "bad back",yeah right" person. Even though there are days when I crawl from the bed to the sofa and back again while DH brings me coffee and pills.

Thank you all for being here.

trinn Thu 01-Nov-12 23:15:19

twisty please please don't hurt yourself it's not worth it, ask the doctor to move you over to citaloplex, I was on citalopram and it didn't do a jot but moved to it's sister drug citaloplex and it did help.

I too have an ASD child and can understand how bloody hard it is, but your children NEED you your DS needs an advocate for him, so what if you shout, so what if you get short tempered so bloody what he needs you, your family needs you, you are more precious to your family than anything in this world, your DC adore you that alone has to make you want to stop wanting to hurt yourself.

I've been down that black road, DS playing up big time, life getting on top of me and yes I went there I took an overdose and lived, went on anti D's and life started to look up.

Today I still get black days the mask still slips I'm off the anti D's the difference now I have a close friend whom I TALK to when I get black days.

I encourage you go back to the doc's change your meds talk about pain relief, is there a club that your son can attend for ASD? mine goes to the local ASD club this has helped enormously.

Please go back to the doc's they can change meds

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 23:17:14

I've been on the citalopram since just after DD was born last July. I don't know if it helps but if I forget to take one or I run our (has only happened a couple of times) I get panic attacks, so I'm scared not to take them.

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 23:23:17

I don't know of any ASD clubs near here. He's only just been diagnosed after 2 years of fighting. Now there's no more fight left and he's still not in school. Fucking stupid system.

Cynner Thu 01-Nov-12 23:24:48

Twisty, I think I might understand a bit about your experience. I have chronic pain due to hip dysplasia, and a ds with Aspergers. Pain takes so much out of a person. I often wake up thinking, " Today, I am going to be the lovely patient mum, my children deserve" Two hours later, I can barely stand and find myself yelling like a crazy woman. Pain erodes so much that is good in people.
Pain + a sn child can be exhausting beyond belief. Please stop beating yourself up. Please tell your GP exactly what you told us, tell him/ her about your failed CBT visit. You deserve all the assistance you can get.
Hurting yourself is not the answer.

SirBoobAlot Thu 01-Nov-12 23:25:40

Hi love. I'm sorry you're feeling so shit - and as another disabled mother, I totally sympathise.

Please go back to see the doctor. Chase up the pain clinic. Ask for another mental health appointment. And get some new medication; these are obviously not doing the trick.

Can you contact adult social services, if you're frightened of contacting child? They were wonderfully supportive when I first moved into my place, have provided me with equiptment on loan, and told me to contact them if I needed any extra support. I promise you, they won't think you're a loon.

I know the pain. I know it hurting so much you want to scream, but screaming would just make it worse. I know the waking up first thing already in pain and wishing you hadn't woken up at all. I know that oh so well. But your children need you. They need you. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect, and just accept that you are doing the best you can in hard circumstances.

Big hugs coming your way.

trinn Thu 01-Nov-12 23:26:05

twisty where are you? I can find out if theres a club near you, please hun please go back to the doctors I will enquire if there are any ASD clubs near you

lucyellenmum Thu 01-Nov-12 23:29:03

That is a high dose of citalopram that you are on, if you miss one tablet it shouldn't be to much of a problem as it will be active in your system for a few days. But if you go more than a day then you will start to feel terrible, especially at that dose as you do have to reduce the dose slowly. I only ever had panic attacks while i was taking citalopram, however they did make me generally better. There are better drugs out there and i wish that i had them intead.

Could you talk to your doctor about a tens machine? I have a friend who actually has one of these in his tummy! He actually has a remote control! He had a condition that left him in terrible pain and this now has him totally pain free. Now of course he got this because he has a private health care plan, but of course you could try a general TENS machine as this may help you, maybe not so much with mobility but to control to pain - sorry if you have tried this already.

It must be so difficult to be in pain all of the time, we are on our shortest fuse when we are hurting. I think you need to go an make noise at the doctors, you cnnot be expected to carry on with no support.

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 23:32:42

Thank you all. I'm just having a really rough night, and now you've made me cry (in a good way). I will make an appointment and speak to you all tomorrow. Thank you for listening. Trinn, I will PM you.

Thanks again, goodnight all.

Cynner Thu 01-Nov-12 23:37:44

Goodnight..please let us know how you are..

TwistyBraStrap Thu 01-Nov-12 23:38:59

My doctor told me that one of the things the pain clinic will do is give me a tens. I'm hoping that this will make a difference.

I can't pm, not sure why, but I'm in Kent, just outside Canterbury.

Thanks again everyone.

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