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Wish I wasn't still here

(64 Posts)
GracieLoo Thu 18-Oct-12 21:20:25

sat here, just cut my legs, got urges to do my arm as that's where i get the most release but I'm bridesmaid soon so aware my arms will be on show.

Struggling for so long but I'm messing things up and this is the only place I can admit I have forgotten my meds a bit, kind of on purpose but I don't know why, taken it today though and the dizziness and brain zaps quickly go. Saw sw today and cried the while time saying it's always so up and down and still having suicidal thoughts. Wish I could just do it. There's nothing professionals can do though, it's all my fault and I've got to get through this myself. I don't think I will, I think I will end up dead.

I had an ok week last month, but it was such a rarity. Fed up of this, fed up of meds and not coping and being a bad mum. My minds racing and I can't keep up.

PartyFops Thu 18-Oct-12 21:25:50

Gracie is there someone nearby you that you can call?

I'm sure someone will be along her soon that can offer you more support than I can.

GracieLoo Thu 18-Oct-12 21:50:38

There's no point, this is ongoing, I find it hard to talk to family and feel friends get fed up with me. I'm completely lost. Taken 3 od's in the past, getting thoughts again, but sw just said what will that achieve. I don't know, it's just what I want to do to escape being like this. Do my best for dd but thinking whether she's be happier with someone else.

PartyFops Thu 18-Oct-12 21:54:27

A poorly mummy is much much better for your dd than no mummy. Why did you stop taking your meds. Does your sw know you stopped taking them?

I don't know about your condition, but surely you wont be like this forever, you will come through this.

AlreadyScone Thu 18-Oct-12 21:57:11

Hiya GracieLoo.

You'll get through this. I've been there and come back again. No guilt or judgement from me. Just hand-holding and reassurance.

GracieLoo Thu 18-Oct-12 21:59:41

I haven't really stopped them, just forget a day or two and that has only been for this week. There's so much going on in my head I can't rationalise things. Got more today so plan to get back to taking them same time daily, but to be honest I still get low on them. Haven't told anyone as too ashamed and it's my fault.

I did think of not taking them so I can stockpile them incase i need them all.

AlreadyScone Thu 18-Oct-12 22:26:23

Yes do try to get back to taking them regularly, it will make a difference.

GracieLoo, this is hard to hear, but if you have got to the point of making plans about stockpiling pills in case you need them all, then you need to get help quickly. Coming here is a first step, but see your GP as soon as you can and explain this. There's other help out there, but you do need to ask for it.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Oct-12 12:08:44

Keep going to call sw or HV but they've heard it all before, it's nothing new and they can't do anything anyway. No one can, I've got to live like this but it's too hard.

Upwardandonward Fri 19-Oct-12 15:04:02

Did you get any more info about psychology or complex needs?

Hoophopes Fri 19-Oct-12 16:26:49

Hi - taking meds regularly might help you, or they might be able to increase the dose or change what you take to help if you tell them how you are on them? Could your hv arrange extra support for you, as that is what has been suggested to me by the sw - a children's centre worker offered, possibly funded childcare etc.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Oct-12 17:08:54

After 2 wks at day hospital who decided complex needs, sw spoke to a psychiatrist who said as i had a dependent personality and other traits I should be referred for psychology again, got a assessment beg' nov. My minds just not working right now, heads all over the place and just feel strange. Dreading wkends when I don't have dd therefore my protective factor is gone.

searching4serenity Sat 20-Oct-12 08:28:55

Gracie - very sad to read your post... How are you doing this morning?

GracieLoo Sat 20-Oct-12 11:55:45

I'm out and about this am, dropped dd at her dads. I'm trying to get things done to try to get my head clearer, but feel everyone's looking at me and feel bit panicky and teary. But meeting my friend for a quick coffee so will be 'smiley and happy' for a bit. Seeing other people and families are making me want to cry. I hate this, and feeling guilty I'm not seeing my mum as she wanted to, always feel so guilty about everything.

AlreadyScone Sat 20-Oct-12 12:08:00

That's sensible, to get out and about. Be proud of that! What plans have you got for later?

Did you start taking your meds regularly again, and make an appointment with GP to discuss whether they need changing?

searching4serenity Sat 20-Oct-12 12:30:24

Just checking in with you Gracie. Hope you can try & enjoy your coffee... Can you talk to your friend at all? As AlreadyScone says - are you back on the meds at the moment?

GracieLoo Sat 20-Oct-12 15:11:02

I haven't got plans for later, coffee was ok, was a chat about her wedding plans. Home now, just want to sleep. Have started meds but forgot this morning, and been keeping a mood diary as requested by sw. Hate dreading waking up, facing the next day, next week etc.

GracieLoo Sat 20-Oct-12 21:05:43

Tried to keep busy, texted a couple of friends to see if anyone is around this eve, no luck. So feel bit rubbish, drinking vodka and coke as like the numb feeling. I'm not thinking straight anyway, and this helps. I know not in the long run, but not a lot helps me, especially not myself so what's the point. And hate the fact when dd isn't here I feel detached and so far away from her.

AlreadyScone Sat 20-Oct-12 22:15:12

doing all right there GracieLoo?

GracieLoo Sat 20-Oct-12 22:17:59

No, in a state, got tablets in hand, took a couple but phoned out of hours like I've been told to. Waiting for call back. Scared of being leg down and ignored. Feeling very hot, tense and just horrible. Trying to think of dd, I'm so horrible

BabylonPI Sat 20-Oct-12 22:20:04

How're you doing op?? Come and chat for a while??

AlreadyScone Sat 20-Oct-12 22:35:47

That was good to phone OOH, and to stop at a couple. Well done.

GracieLoo Sat 20-Oct-12 23:39:55

Well it's all gone wrong. Panicked, took a wks worth and some ibuprofen, ( but now know that's harmless), out of hours told me to go to a&e to keep safe, and they'd phone to check I'd gone. So I panicked a bit, went, felt out of it and scared. They checked me in, said they were busy.

So feeling so embarrassed and worthless, I said I'd go home and that I'd been told to go there. But now I'm home, petrified! Googled what i'd taken and apparently it's toxic and can cause seizures. The nurse didn't bother asking what dose I'd taken or did my blood pressure etc or anything. Can't believe I've done this all to myself. To be honest I don't care what happens to me tonight, but I do know asking for help can make u feel ten times worse and completely worthless.

fluffydressinggown Sat 20-Oct-12 23:58:40

Gracie you need to go back to A&E, ask to see crisis team. I am so sorry things are so difficult for you.

fluffydressinggown Sat 20-Oct-12 23:59:11

Sorry if I am not clear. You need to go back to A&E for medical attention and once that is sorted you need to see crisis.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Oct-12 00:05:39

But that nurse looked at me like I was a piece of s**t, and said I hadn't taken much. I feel ok, bit sicky, hearts racing but I feel bit scared. I don't want to worry people, just helps getting it all out. Have been texting an old work friend, but feel I've really worried her and ruined her weekend. Why don't I think of my dd, but I know deep down a mum who does this is not a good mum and she's happier with her dad.

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