How long do you hold on for?

[fluffydressinggown]

This might be a bit muddled :)

I feel like I am coming to the end of the line with things. I have a good package of care from the NHS, I am on medication, I have not self harmed in 2 months.

But I can feel things unravelling inside me. I have started thinking about killing myself again, I am not so bothered about me not having a future because I don't see one for me anyway. I worry about my DH and my parents but I wonder where the tipping point is for that worry not to be enough. I am finding it hard to sleep again, and my thinking is off.

I think about self harm, but I don't know if I have the energy for all the hassle that comes with it. I have been to A&E so many times this year and it is exhausting, explaining and seeing how people look at you when they see. And I know if I start to self harm I will have to go back to hospital and if I don't agree I will be sectioned because what I do is too risky. And I can't be bothered with that either. But at least the self harm fills the space where this feeling is now.

My husband says I am very detached and I feel detached. I feel like I am going through the motions, I am doing more, I have started cooking a bit and getting out and about a bit more. But it is largely pointless.


I feel like I have been hanging on for weeks, I had two big events coming up. One is done and the second one is this weekend. Once it is done I don't know. I am tired of holding on.

I don't know what I want from this post, I just wanted to get it out somewhere I guess. I will talk to my psychologist about it on Tuesday, I was supposed to see my CPN today but she was off sick. But it feels pointless talking about it any more tbh, they know my suicide plan I have had it for months. Nobody will rescue me, it has to come from me, so what's the point in telling anyone how I feel?

[slightlymanic]

Tell everyone. They can be your safety net. You can do this, you can stay strong.

[fluffydressinggown]

They know.

I have had a funny day today. I fell over quite badly in the street as I was walking to the post office, fell off the kerb, went sprawling and my car keys went flying. Have taken chunks out of my knee and hand.

Some nice ladies helped me up and then I went into the Post Office and burst into tears and bled all over their card machine. I was shaking and kept tearing up, very unexpected. Then I cried all the way home and still feel very weepy. I think it is because I have had a bit of a shock and I am in pain but I think also there are tears to be cried for other reasons. It is very very unlike me to cry in public. I am very very restrained emotionally.

Hmm.

[ScreamingManAndGoryOn]

Hi Fluffy (KeemaNaan here)

Talk to the services again, they are there to help you. I've just been through a really shitty cycle and got referred back to the crisis team while I was going through it and now I've been discharged again.

You are still in recovery and have done brilliantly not to self harm. Having thoughts isn't the same as doing it, but you do need to go and get a bit more support while you get through this rough patch. I am learing that recovering from mental illness is a bit like snakes and ladders. You try to keep going forward, but there's still a chance of going down again. the thing to remember is that even after you've taken a few steps back, you can move forward again and maybe even more quicky than before.

Give your care coordinator (or the crisis team if you're still under them) a call and explain where you are at the moment. I'm sure they'll support you as they want you to keep on getting better too.

Oh, and stop giving yourself a hard time! you are doing really well to have got to where you are now, even if you don't think you are!! :)

[fluffydressinggown]

I was discharged from CRS on Monday, I had a review and I didn't really say much. My psychologist was there and he said he could tell I was struggling. I just feel like talking is pointless at the moment.

I was supposed to see my CPN yesterday (she is my care co-ordinator) but she was off sick. I am going away tonight until Monday and then I see my psychologist on Tuesday so I will speak to him then about how I am feeling.

It is def like snakes and ladders isn't it, so frustrating!

[lobsterclaw]

Fluffy, what do you want? What makes you feel better? It is really good that you haven't self-harmed for a while.

You married for a reason, do you not want to stick to that? I understand that it's frustrating :)

[ScreamingManAndGoryOn]

I can sympathise with not wanting to talk any more, but talking can really help, even if its just to some random nutter on the internet :)

Suicide plans are an arse as once you've made one its always there isn't it? I still have one from when I was really ill and as soon as I hit a rough patch - out it comes from the back of my head.

Ahh mental illness. Its the gift that just keeps on giving.

I'm here to listen if you need it.

[fluffydressinggown]

Thank you! I think it is so hard when you have been so so unwell, you expect it to be like recovering from those times when you are just a bit down. But actually it is like being knocked.over by a lorry, totally knocks you for 6.

I do want to be married, it is my wedding anniversary today actually (well.yesterday now). it is just so hard I wish that knowing all the things I have made me happy but it doesn't and then I feel guilty for that! I.was driving tonight and it flickered across my mind that I could crash and kill.us.both and then I wouldn't have to worry about him after I kill myself. That is horrid isn't it? I am just horrid. Of.course I drove safely and didn't do anything.

We are away this weekend and I really want to enjoy it, it is something I have looked forward to for ages and we will be with lots of lovelt friends. But this niggle about next week is eating away, that after this weekend I.have nothing to hold on for and what is scary is that I an ok with that.

I am.sorry.if this is too long and a bit badly written. I am on my phone somewhere on the M1 (dh took.over driving I was too tired) and it is bumpy.

[purplepenguin86]

Ah crap, I'm really sorry to hear this. I know we've not really talked, but I've seen quite a few of your posts, and I was really pleased for you when you were discharged from hospital etc. It's shit. I don't think I can say anything to make it better, because I've been there myself many times and it just is shit, and there is a limit to what other people can do. At risk of sounding like a twat someone from the crisis team, do you know what would help? Are you feeling like you need to be back in hospital? Or do you think you might be struggling because you're still adjusting to not being in hospital? Do you reckon it would help to be under the crisis team again? Or are they shit where you live too? I really wish there was something I could say that would help, but it's not that easy right? If you ever want someone to talk to or rant at, you're welcome to contact me.

[fluffydressinggown]

Thanks for your reply.

I think I am reluctant to talk because I don't really want anything. I might need crs again.in the.coming weeks but maybe I won't? I.don't.know, they are actually very very good here. But.it must.bore them hearing about all.my odd thoughts and listening to.me talk in circles.

I def think part of this is adjusting, I have no desire to go back to hospital again. I just don't want to.be here at all..at least if I am cutting there is a chance it might kill me by accident while I.pluck up the courage to do.something.

However I have to try to.put those thoughs away and enjoy this weekend. But reading back what I have written I am sounding quite unwell again, boo. At least my psychologist is aware I don't feel so good and I wil be safe until I see him again.

[purplepenguin86]

Yeah, I get that. And I completely understand the thinking that if you hurt yourself and it happens to kill you then that's all good - I have had that thought so many times. I'm glad your psychologist knows what is going on and that you're seeing him soon.

If part of the problem is adjusting, is there anything that might help? Maybe being back under crisis for a while? Or are there any type of day patient programmes around you? Or groups, or anything that you could go to where you'd be around people who get it? What are you doing with yourself at the moment during the day? Is there anything you enjoy doing that you could try and get back into?

I really do wish I had the answer, but I don't. All I can say is that you can get through this (although I know at the moment you're probably feeling like you don't want to) and that you're welcome to message me any time for a chat. I don't have any answers, but more than happy to listen.

[lobsterclaw]

You're fine - you just have to find something to get on with. You're drifting at the moment. People really care about you and you should too.

Anything like a routine with your H even if it's just Sunday lunch will help. You take care and update, please x

[fluffydressinggown]

I saw my psychologist today, was ok. I am trying to be busy, today I dusted and cleaned the bathroom. I am cooking a few nights a week as well and we are trying to do things together (although he works during the week).

I really enjoyed the weekend away and it was nice to box things up for a bit and ignore.

I just wish I could disappear, it all feels so hollow and pointless.

[purplepenguin86]

Good to hear from you. Was the psychologist able to help at all? I'm glad you enjoyed the weekend, but sorry to hear you are still struggling. I definitely know the feeling, and it is really tough.

[Upwardandonward]

Thinking of you fluffy

[fluffydressinggown]

Thank you. How are you upwardandonward?

I saw my CPN today and was pretty honest about how low I feel, she seemed surprised which surprised me, I suppose sometimes I do need to tell people. I am very good at looking ok but looking ok and being ok are two very different things I guess.

[Upwardandonward]

I'm glad you said how you're doing. Very true that people need telling sometimes. I'm ok thanks, out of hospital, meds making me sleepy.