Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
Advice sought(39 Posts)
I am a newbie to the forum, but have been watching from the sidelines for quite some time
I am writing about a friend of mine, as he has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle and im trying to help
I got together this guy 18 months ago and we really get on well,( we plan to live together after xmas) im a single mum of 3 and he has been BRILLIANT, i want to point out that he is bi-polar, but deals with it remarkably.
prior to my meeting him, he was a lad about town, and quite often ended up in trouble with the police, 20 years ago it was quite serious he ended up in prison a couple times, but he has straightened himself out in the last 5,
in 2010 he hit on hard times and had to claim benefits, as he just couldnt manage, we werent together at this time, he was going to come off benefits in 2011 but his home was burgled and he really found it difficult to cope, he therefore carried on claiming housing benefit, to help with his rent, he told the council that he was earning only £120.00 per week as a driver,although he was getting somewhere between £180.00 and £220.00, this was before he had to take out his expenses such as fuel running costs of vehicle etc, he was renting a trading name from someone who took a percentage of his incomings, in cash!
Things started to change for him this year and in August he contacted his council and notified them that as of september he wouldnt be claiming any further benefits, and on the 1st September he went into the housing benefit office and cancelled his claim in writing.
In August, he had a bit of an email arguement with someone, and they contacted the police stating he was harassing them, unfortunately he was arrested in september, and the police took away his laptop, even though he admitted to sending this guy 7 emails, the police put him on bail and told him to return in 6 weeks, he is now in a proper state because he is worried that the police will see his invoices on the laptop and get the council involved, even though he has already cancelled his claim, he never expected this to happen
I am deeply worried about him now, he isnt sleeping properly or eating, he thinks he is going to end up in prison, as this seems to be the norm of anyone convicted of benefit fraud, I just dont know what to do or say to help him, I tried to convince him that has he cancelled his claim before any of this happened, it will be ok, be he wont accept it, i really need help please, anyone who can advise please do, please dont write to tell me how wrong he was for doing what he did, we both realise this, thank you for reading my post
The police a) wouldn't know he was getting housing benefit
b) wouldn't know that he didn't declare the wrong income and
c) even in the highly improbable situation that they mentioned it, his claim in cancelled now and they would be unlikely to ask any further.
I used to work in housing benefit. The only time the police were involved is when we reported someone to them. Never the other way around.
Hmmm I would be more concerned that you were going to move him in with your children. How ever brilliant he is with them. He has been harrassing someone and seems a bit crap with money. IME people don't change just because they move house.
Sounds like he might be having a bit of a Manic attack (not eating, sleeping, anxiety, etc). She should tell him to contact his GP.
To add to what I said, the police are looking for evidence for a specific crime. I don't think they have time to waste looking for evidence of something they don't know has happened.
I doubt the police will have the time/ resources to put the receipts and benefit claims together.
I do wonder if he as his bi-polar under control at the moment?
I wouldn't let him move in with you just now. He seems to be one of those people that 'life happens to'. I suspect until he takes more control of his life, the cycle of things 'happening' and then time sorting them out will continue. Do you and your DC's need that?
thank you for your advice on my post, i do think you are quite harsh, people can and do change, please dont condemn him or me without knowing the full facts, i did say in the post things were hard for him, i didnt elaborate, as its personal, however just to let you know, this guy was abandoned at 3 months old, he spent 35 years looking for his mum and when he found her she told him to get lost, she also revealed that she was bi-polar and it was this that prompted him to seek mediacl help and sadly he was diagnosed as bi-polar, this explained lots of things that had happened in his life and his way of dealing with things, in case you werent aware, Bi-polar is sadly heriditary
the person whom he is accused of harrassing
sorry message was cut.......
the person he whom he is accused of harassing is conntected to his mother, he was trying to sort things out, there was no violence there was no threats or abusive language, this guy just wanted to stop my friend from contacting hios mother further
I agree with glamourousgranny42. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help this man and it does sound as if he has had a lot of problems in life but you say he has straightened himself out in the last five years and yet he is, again, in trouble with the police and fears he may go to prison. Help him, if you can, but don't move him in with your children.
You're wanting to move a convicted, self-confessed dishonest criminal who is under investigation for harassment in with your children and you're worried about his state of mind? I think you're asking for advice for the wrong problem.
want to point out that he is bi-polar, but deals with it remarkably.
I would suggest he is not coping as well as you think. A close relative has bi polar and what you describe is not someone coping remarkably.
I thank you for advice, love is something that nobody has control over, sadly it seems many would rather condemn him,
_please_ dont make this into something whereas i am being judged, I have asked for advice not to be reprimanded myself or to be seen as some sort of foolish idiot
The police won't be interested in his invoices
However, he is clearly not able to accept this at the moment. He needs to see his GP as he is obviously finding it hard to cope at the moment.
That's is all the advice I can give you that you are going to want.
Any other advice is not what you want to hear so I will not give it.
But get him to the GP. Does he have CPN you can contact?
love is something that nobody has control over
Perhaps. But you have your kids to consider. No one is saying 'don't love him'. But he is displaying worrying behaviour and illegal behaviour.
Did you know he was committing benefit fraud?
I don't think he will be sent to prison for benefit fraud.
I do think he needs to see a doctor and get some help, as anxiety for a person with bp can be pretty over whelming (for them and those around them).
I dpunt the police will be interested.
It does sound from what you have written that he isn't coping so well with his bi polar as you think, not sleeping, not eating, problems sorting out money, harassment. Maybe he needs to go back to his gp or cpn to have his meds reassessed.
Oh dear, you are new, aren't you.
This is not the place where we tell you that love will conquer all, if thats what you were looking for. He's been committing benefit fraud and is worried he will be found out. He's also not controlling his mental illness well, and has been arrested for harrassment.
I think don't move him in with your children is excellent advice, under the circumstances.
I have recently split from my boyfriend who has biploar, and I undersatnd that seeing someone you care about spiral downwards emotionally is very difficult.However you need to have firm boundaries about what you will accept and tolerate ,I like you am a single parent and found a lot of my energy that should be used for my children was going into him.
He doesn't sound like he has his bi-polar under control you need to support him to go to the doctors ,be calm and supportive but resist the temptation to fill his emotional void.He is responsible for himself.
some of you have kindly messaged me privately thank you, as i said to you in those messages, we have delayed moving in together,i meant to put we PLANNED to move in together in the original post
we say after xmas but there is nothing set in stone, we were just looking at next year,
My advice would be firstly do not move himin with you and your children. Secondly he needs to get his illness under control by going to a doctor. Thirdly he has committed benefit fraud. If he does get found out then he should be punished.
if and if its true that he was only earning 220pw then chances are he hasnt commited benefit fraud as company/raideo/ad fees, petrol car costs ect are all things that he is able to deduct before his income ammount is arrived at.
however, unless he hardley ever worked those numbers would raise alarm bells with me so i do expect that he has commited fraud and has been less than open with you.they would also raise alarm bells with hmrc.
can i ask you a question, why do you want to move in togather?
I agree get him some support from his community mental health team or GP ASAP before he has a full blown relapse.
People with bipolar disorder cannot go too long with disrupted sleep and it is usually one of the first signs of a relapse for many.
I doubt very much the police will be interested in the housing benefit anyway. You may not be able to convince your partner of this though, which will be another sign he is relapsing.
Join the discussion
Please login first.