Anxiety and OCD coming back

[ZigZagWanderer]

I thought I'd join the mental health forum, I don't think I've posted here before.

My Ds is poorly at the moment and I haven't slept much for a week, I'm tired and stressed and feel like my head could explode for all the thoughts.

I have OCD, I obsess about clean hands, have a fear of biological and chemical contamination contamination as well as general dirt. I also have harm OCD, if anyone has this it would be good to get/give support from people who fully understand this obsession.
Today I had scary thoughts after seeing a film clip and has given me anxiety.
I forgot how awful it is as I've been doing so well.

[ZigZagWanderer]

Don't know why I typed contamination twice

[YommyMommy]

Hi Zigzag,

Sorry your feeling so crappy right now :( anxiety is a truely horrible thing isn't it?

What is harm OCD? I've never heard of this before!

I hope you managed a little more sleep last night and can feel better today! X x

[ZigZagWanderer]

Hi,
Thanks for the reply.
It's hard to explain harm OCD without giving the wrong impression. But it's basically a fear of bringing harm to others around me.
OCD UK website explains it very well.
I'm scared I won't be able to control the anxiety, it's already stopping me from sleeping and I'm sleep deprived as it is.

Do you suffer with anxiety?

[YommyMommy]

Hi zigzag,

Yeah I do suffer with anxiety...have since the birth of my first DS 6 years ago. I'm going though a very difficult time right now due to the fact that a few weeks ago I though I was loosing my mind ( had horrible thoughts of hurting my children and went into almost what felt like meltdown. It turned out my Heamaglobin was at 5.9 and the reason behind me thinking I was looking it. I was rushed in to hospital and given 4 pints of blood. Physically I am feeling 100%, but mentally I'm struggling to come to terms with my thoughts! I went to GP last week again with crippling anxiety and was prescribed meds...they have literally been a life saver this past week. I am now on waiting list to speak to CPN and I am hoping that they are going to offer me AD's to deal with the anxiety...I've had enough now! X x

[ZigZagWanderer]

Oh no!
I know what you mean about losing your mind, I've had that many times.
The intrusive thoughts about harming others is what I get, it's the worse thing.
Yesterday I got these again after watching a film clip, I forgot how terrifying it is
What caused your HB to get so low?
Are you taking Valium? I can't have that as I'm breastfeeding.

[Lovewearingjeans]

I have had those thoughts as well, and it is the most horrible scary thing ever. I can't really post on mental health threads normally as reading about things like this gives me anxiety too. I think I am going through a bit of a vulnerable brain stage at the moment, where I have to be careful what I read and watch. When I was at my worst, two years ago, I watched constant Friends.

[YommyMommy]

Hi Ladies,

I can't tell you what a relief if it is knowing I'm not alone in the world. These thought are really horrific...I keep thinking I must b some sort of sick f* that they could even cross my mind

Zigzag since the birth of my DS2 I have always had very heavy periods and turns out my blood has just been depleting every month :/ I know they were heavy, but never dreamed they would b dangerous to my health! I'm getting treatment for it now so it'll get sorted.

Lovewearingjeans...I am like you say totally avoiding things that might make me think a certain way...this is such a scary and horrible time I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's so cruel

X x

[YommyMommy]

Zigzag I am taking stentamol. It's an anti sickness drug...but can b used to treat anxiety in the short term. Not sure how that works! X x

[Lovewearingjeans]

I think part of the reason I'm feeling worse is because it was about two years ago exactly I went into deep depression, and had almost constant horrible thoughts and anxiety. I had PND with both DC now aged 9 and 6, but this was the worse I have ever felt in my life. Those 6 weeks before the meds kicked in were horrible. I am still on meds (20mg citalipram) and it has taken a long time to get to this point, and I think I am going to be here a while.

[Lovewearingjeans]

ZigZag - I had to avoid the Internet for a while, there are certain news sites I still can't go on for fear of association. Or wear scarves

[ZigZagWanderer]

I've tried lots of meds but for me they made me worse, except Valium, I liked those (possibly a bit too much ) but I was only allowed 2 weeks worth.

I used to watch Friends too a lot and anything that was humorous, but so many things triggered the anxiety, I couldn't watch the news or any thriller/horror films.
Until yesterday I felt I was on top of it, being able to watch anything.
It sounds weird but I was even careful about things I said and what I thought, I had to keep it positive just incase anything negative I said/thought would come true.

I'm quite good at stopping thoughts in their tracks now but the thoughts knocked me off my feet yesterday. The only thing I can think of is sleep deprivation, my ds is 1 and has been poorly for a week, I haven't slept and I've been so worried about him too.

When I first had these intrusive thoughts I would hide knives, scissors and anything I thought was dangerous.
It still makes me a bit uncomfortable telling people now incase people think I'm bad or dangerous, espescially after reading the thread about mental health and social services.

Here is a link to the OCD website, it explains about violent intrusive thoughts and makes me feel better to just read this.
You have to scroll down quite a bit.
I'm not saying you have OCD btw I just thought it would help like it does me.

www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

[ZigZagWanderer]

Sorry btw I'm not sure Harm ocd is an official term, just what sufferers call it sometimes.

[YommyMommy]

Thanks zigzag,

I'll have a look at that website!

It's nice to have someone to talk to x x

[ZigZagWanderer]

Sorry dead link
I'll copy and paste the whole thing.
It's from OCD UK website.

Violent Intrusive Thoughts ? obsessive fears of carrying out violent acts against loved ones or other people. Intrusive thoughts include:
? Violently harming children or loved ones.
? Killing innocent people.
? Using kitchen knives and other sharp objects (compulsion will include locking away knives and sharp objects).
? Jumping in front of a train or fast moving bus.
? Poisoning the food of loved ones (compulsion will include avoiding cooking for family).
? Acting on unwanted impulses, e.g. running someone over, stabbing someone.
? Thoughts about accidentally touching someone inappropriately, with the aim of hurting them.

Most sufferers with these types of fears often end up labelling themselves as a bad person, simply for having the thoughts. They falsely believe that having the thoughts mean they are capable of acting upon them. The constant analysing and questioning of these disturbing aspects of OCD becomes incredibly upsetting and because of the nature of the thoughts many sufferers are reluctant to open up to health professionals to seek help, fearing they may be labelled.

A person with these types of intrusive thoughts will avoid public places like shopping centres and other places, where social interaction may be required, to avoid coming into close contact with people that may trigger the obsessive thoughts.

To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking . It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.

[ZigZagWanderer]

I get wobbly just talking about this, it can sound awful to anyone that hasn't experienced it before.
It'll be nice to have others to chat to when the thoughts get bad.

[Lovewearingjeans]

It is nice to have a name to put to it really. Mine concerned my immediate family which is probably the worst thing ever.

[Lovewearingjeans]

Let's think about getting better, I personally can't dwell on this, as if I do I could get poorly again. For me it did have to run its course with the meds helping. I am lucky that I have a lovely supportive husband who could be there for me when I needed him. What also works for me is turning negative to positive. Shall we share comedy shows? Or I love baking lets talk about brownies (can you see the positive thinking)

[YommyMommy]

Totally agree with you loves...and I love brownies :) do you make your own? X x

[Lovewearingjeans]

I do even though my 6 yo tells me they aren't as good as my mum's I have a great recipe for low fat brownies (but they are not as good as the wicked ones x

[YommyMommy]

I will need to google for one...I think brownies are my all time favourite! I love the Betty Crocker (sp) ones :) that's the kind of cake baker I am...out of a box, lol!! X x

[ZigZagWanderer]

Brownies are good, I prefer flapjack!

[YommyMommy]

Lol zigzag,

I do like flapjack's too...my hubby is amazing at making them :) x x

[Lovewearingjeans]

Nice to see you Zigzag. Mmm gooey flapjack. Actually my ds1 requested jam tarts the other day, and as ds2 refuses anything fruit related (long story) I am going to make him mini chocolate tarts using rolls and white chocolate buttons.
How are you both feeling today?

[YommyMommy]

Sounds great love,

I have had my ups n down today. I am home now with my wonder little boys. This was my first day back at work...it was tough at some points as had a lot of time to think...not what I'm best at

Anyway, I feel more relaxed now home with my boys than I have most of the day so feeling happy about that

At some points I think I don't deserve to be happy due to horrific thoughs I hate my stupid brain at times!

What about you? How are you feeling? X x

[Lovewearingjeans]

Ok generally at the mo. I am the opposite and struggle being at home, and struggle with not being busy in that way, I find it very difficult to do nothing. If I do nothing I would rather sleep which is my default setting, and not so good for me at times. I was a sahm when my big depression occurred, and made the decision that I am happier being at work, and a happy me makes for a happy family. Can feel myself getting into MN a bit too much if you know what I mean. Looking forward to reading magazines in the bath xx