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Will I ever fit in anywhere?

(20 Posts)
Bumblequeen Fri 05-Oct-12 14:19:00

From school days I have never fitted in - I was either bullied or ignored.

I recall people coming to speak to my peers and completely ignoring me. It was if I was not there!

At all the places I have worked at; social events have taken place and I have not been invited. I admit I am not buddies with everyone but not an enemy either! My closer colleagues felt awkward in talking about
an event as they knew I was not invited.

At my current place of work I am like the geek. People speak to me to pass the time or if their friend is not around. Today someone celebrated their birthday and colleagues openly invited particular members from my team to come and help themselves. I sat there whilst they overlooked me. Nobody asked me. I speak to them, ask how they are - general banter. Surely we should all have been asked or they could have been more discreet. It was hurtful and insensitive.

I have always hated who I am. Whenever I actually start to like myself something comes to knock me back. I cannot change my personality and become more interesting. I cannot force people to like me and would not wish to.

Should I accept a life of being on the outside?

mrsfuzzy Fri 05-Oct-12 16:26:59

i do sympathize with you, i have been in a similar situation in the past, people can be very insensitive, may be you try too hard maybe you don't try hard enough, what is the right thing to do? being quiet can come across as aloof but if you are shy its hell to get started, i don't think you are doing anything wrong except you do need to hang onto the fact that you are agreat person to be around, and if others cant see that then thats their loss, is there a club or hobby you could persue to be with like minded people and share a passion, sadly you may never really be able to socialise with your work mates, i found it difficult but had a great social life away from it, good luck!

ilovetermtime Fri 05-Oct-12 16:59:46

"I have always hated who I am" - could this be the problem Bumblequeen? Why do you hate who you are? And sorry to sound like a cliche, but if you hate yourself, how do you expect other people to like you?

I used to be extremely shy, at school, and had the same problems as you. Even when I went to my school reunion, I'm sure that some people didn't remember me even being at school, and most of the others were asking about my best friend from school, rather than about me. But, I decided that I couldn't live like that forever and forced myself to overcome my shyness and now no-one believes me when I say that I used to be shy.

Anyway, I digress, but what I'm trying to say is that you can change - you can work on loving yourself.

amillionyears Fri 05-Oct-12 18:05:48

Bumblequeen,I think you need to start with yourself.
I think you need to learn to like yourself.

Then I think other things will follow.
Like you will have the confidence to say to your workmates,in a jokey way "oi,what about me,dontleave me out!" and grin.
If they slip again,do it again gently.
Sounds like they are talking to you,but you are seeing things into it like "People speak to me to pass the time or if their friend is not around".

I would advise you to go on some sort of confidence course,or/and read self help books on the subject.
I can think of a couple,I will post about them later.

What makes you think you are geek? You may be. Nothing wrong in that,and to a certain point,that would make you a little different to the popular group.
Other questions I can think of
What age are you
What age are your work colleagues.
You say,this sort of thing happens in ALL the places you have worked at. What sort of work do you do? Maybe working in different work places that suit your personality might be better for you.
And what hobbies are you in to?

Bumblequeen Fri 05-Oct-12 23:57:11

ilovet - I have overcome my shyness to some extent. I am good at covering it up and giving the impression I am actually confident. I am working on myself. I dislike who I am as I was bullied all the way through secondary school and never once stuck up for myself. I allowed that to happen to me just as I have allowed other things in life. I blame myself completely.

I am working on liking myself - have not reached the 'loving' part yet.

A million years - I am definitely the geek. I do not look, dress or sound odd but yet I do not blend in with the others just as at school. I am not confident being in large groups, especially of men as I was bullied by crowds of peers, mostly boys.

I am in my mid 30's as are some of my colleagues. I have made friends with colleagues along the way but generally I am outside of any social group/clique.

I work in the public sector - education.
I like singing, dancing, reading.

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Oct-12 02:04:18

I've always felt exactly the same, a square peg in a round hole, how I am seems a bit of a mismatch with other people but I've never been sure what it is (could be circular, I know I'm awkward around other people, and my non-verbal comes across as awkward, which makes them awkward, backing up I'm shit at it, making me even more awkward! grin).

Like you I'm good at pretending and mimic other people who are confident, but it doesn't have the substance they seem to have when they interact.

I used to loathe myself, and I wouldn't say I love myself now, but I've accepted who I am more now and worked round what I've been given to feel comfortable (if other people aren't involved) generally.

Singing and dancing are normally very public things to do though aren't they? Is that significant do you think?

deleted203 Sat 06-Oct-12 02:11:28

I'm really sorry to hear this Bumblequeen. It does sound a very hurtful way to be left out. Is there anyone you do feel slightly closer to at work? Would it be possible to say to them casually, 'Would you like to go have lunch together one day next week? I'd really value your opinion on something'. If they accept, could you say to them over lunch that you are a bit shy and feel awkward at work. Ask them if they could help you feel included in things a bit more. Or perhaps take in cakes one day for all your team and smile and say 'I thought we all deserved a bit of a treat today'. Often just smiling at people and asking them about themselves/what they think of a particular news item is a good conversation starter. Good luck smile

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Oct-12 02:17:40

That's good advice (something my post totally lacked grin) sowornout, I know my face freezes when I'm with other people and I've realised this gives off a hard to read or friendly vibe.

It can be difficult to smile and look relaxed when your anxious.

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Oct-12 02:19:02

I meant 'hard to read or not very friendly vibe grin

deleted203 Sat 06-Oct-12 02:23:42

AgentZigZag Hope it was good advice. I'm not shy at all and actually quite bouncy and cheery, but I do always make an effort to drag everyone else into the conversation. Is it possible to fake a smile? The more you do something the easier it gets. Try imagining them all in their underwear perhaps? Or think of something that cracks you up just as you enter the office and give a big beaming smile. (Of course, you may just come across as a nutter in that case) grin But at least you'll be 'the friendly neighbourhood nutter'.....

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Oct-12 02:40:01

This is only how I am, but I don't know what other people expect of me.

If I'm honest, I don't particularly like other people (possibly because of the way they make me feel), but I look what you say swornout, and wish I could enjoy other people, which I think is what the OP's saying.

You can overcome some of it by putting on a smile and relaxing into what's going on, but it's not proper and fulfilling interaction which is what you crave as a social being.

Gin makes me less inhibited grin but it wears off and makes you smell like a gin sop grin.

deleted203 Sat 06-Oct-12 02:44:53

I like gin! Have one with me grin. Nothing wrong with not liking other people. No reason to wish you could enjoy being with them if you like your own company and are comfortable with yourself. I think if you crave full interaction then you need to find people who are definitely on your wavelength/share your interests so that you can actually enjoy the conversations you have with them. Absolutely agree that you can fake being interested in someone's plans to re-decorate their living room and be bored stiff still.

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Oct-12 03:07:19

If you don't like yourself how can you expect other people to like you, is a good cliché.

Bullying can give you the impression that maybe they're right, no smoke without a fire, perhaps I deserved it because I'm such a shit person.

That feeling can make you think maybe everyone thinks the same as those bullies, even when they're being friendly, perhaps they're just putting a mask over the revulsion they truly feel (especially when you think everyone's just pretending to be interested in what you're talking about (re-decorating your living room) or saying something to be polite).

It just makes it difficult to read interactions as how things really are, it distorts them in a very self-critical way (I don't mean to make this about me Bumble, but what you've said rings true for me).

amillionyears Sat 06-Oct-12 07:16:10

Are you in a choir and do you go dancing?

They dont sound particularly geeky things to me?
You may have just labelled yourself.
Not that I mean geeky is wrong.I am friends with quite a few of them! But you dont sound geeky in that way to me. People who are geeky are normally scientific and technical.

lovebunny Sat 06-Oct-12 07:22:35

check yourself out for asperger's syndrome. and stop worrying. anxiety comes with the package.

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Oct-12 12:05:21

my eldest son has aspergers and he finds social situations difficult but itherwise leads a fairly regular life, you wouldn't know unless you spoke to him there is a problem, he finds it difficult to relate to people and understand jokes or puns but he does have a dry humour which everyone loves him for as he is so funny, he wasn't diadnosed until he was 11 but many people with this don't get a diagnosis until they are adults, lovebunny does have a good point.

Bumblequeen Mon 08-Oct-12 12:36:20

I am confident in some situations and not so in others.

I wait to be asked rather than invite myself then get upset when I am overlooked.

I often say the wrong things due to being nervous - friends see me as the outspoken one! I cannot help it. I try hard to be funny and it backfires.

Yes I am in a choir and we are close as a group.

I put far too much pressure on myself.

Agent- yes a part of me wonders if people are truly interested as at school nobody was. I feel awkward talking about myself for more than a few mins and quickly change the convo back to the person. I know people who will happily speak in depth about family members you have never met!

amillionyears Mon 08-Oct-12 13:05:51

I still think you mat have labelled yourself.
And maybe trying too hard.

There are positives in your posts.
"Yes I
am in a choir and we are a close group".
"friends see me as the outspoken one".

I may be wrong here,but it seems to me you lost your confidence because of things that happened at school.
"From school days I have never fitted in- I was either bullied or ignored".
I think your mind is still in that mindset.

If you were able to forget all about that,how do you see your situation today?
But please bear in mind that we are not all poplular,or ever going to be.
I would like to hazard a guess that many of the people on MN were not in the popular groups at school.I could be wrong.
And actually,unless the popular group was half of the class,most people were not in the popular groups!

devilinside Wed 10-Oct-12 09:35:23

Do you think you could be on the spectrum OP?

Only thing I can suggest (being the same as you) is to join a group in an area you have a particular interest (mine is choir) Eventually, you will make friends with some of the more geeky types, and you will have a subject to talk about

devilinside Wed 10-Oct-12 09:36:37

ooops sorry, see that you are already in a choir - that'll teach me to be impulsvie and post without reading

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