How do you rebuild your life from nothing?

[calamityalice]

So in short I have made a complete mess of everything in my life and have nothing left.

In full and complicated version......

I have been with my husband 8 years now and in that time he has been both emotionally and physically abusive, we have one little girl aged 3 so I've tried to keep things going for her. Over the past few weeks he got worse and I was leaning on my best friend for support and she was amazing. She has always been fabulous and nothing but loyal towards me. Months ago I found out drunkenly that her husband had feelings for me, it was a very bizarre conversation but nothing happened and we said nothing would ever happen due to obvious circumstances and I saw him as nothing but a friend. Her husband is strange one in that he isn't from this country, he doesn't work so doesn't know anyone really over here and I'm the only one who goes round regularly so in some ways I'm his only friend except his wife and we do have loads in common so get on really well and I consider both of them to be my best friends in a lot of ways.

Anyway roll on two weeks ago when things were particularly bad between my husband and myself I stayed at my friends' house and got very very drunk with both of them but my friend went to bed and left me and the husband drinking - nothing too unusual tbh we've done this before. However this time a very stupid drunken kiss (and other stuff - no sex) happened. We both regretted it in the morning and really wished it hadn't happened. I didn't get chance to speak to him alone about before I left their house so I e-mailed him about it to clear things up before we all saw each other again. E-mails went back and forth through the week, mainly just friendly and we got talking about other stuff in them - just hobbies nothing deep and meaningful. I met up with them the weekend after and again we ended up staying up drinking alone, just playing board games and talking about books mainly - we did hug but nothing else physical happened.

Something made my friend suspicious and she checked her husbands e-mail where she saw the whole thing and the cover up etc. She messaged me that morning and we spent all day trying to sort things out but we ended up digging ourselves into a deeper hole and she was more upset about the hours of talking than the physical stuff and she thought we were better suited to each other. It broke my heart hearing her like this, I have never felt so worthless and empty. My husband also found out through a FB status and I was petrified so I got in my car and just drove. It is the only time in my life I have seriously thought about harming myself and if I'd have had access to money I'd have bought tablets or something. I just wanted to run and get away from everything and saw no hope in anything. The next day is a complete blur and I cannot even remember what happened I've been told I was hallucinating and confused and ended up in hospital and then a psychiatric ward as I kept seeing a man with a white dog everywhere and had huge anxiety shaking attacks. I stayed on the psych ward for 6 days and have just been "released" back home. I have reluctantly comeback to my husband as I actually have nowhere else to go. I have no family, no friends left (lost my best friend obviously and my other friends were mutual so they've gone too), my business is ruined as my clients were let down - plus someone (I'm guessing my friend or a mutual one) has reported me to our regulatory body for being mentally ill so I now also have a battle to get re-registered.

I don't deserve sympathy, I know all this is my own doing but I just need practical ideas of how I can ever get over this - I have no friends/family/money/job, I feel like I can't go out in the village as everyone is talking. The only thing keeping me going is my daughter but what sort of life am I giving her?

[Nigglenaggle]

I think youre being very hard on yourself. You have made mistakes but you have paid for them. The slate is clean. So give yourself a break. If your husband is physically abusive then dont stay with him for DD, make a break for it, even if it means a womens refuge or other sheltered accomodation. If DD cant see a loving relationship between the two of you then it isnt benefitting her for you to stay together. The loss of your friends is awful, but I would try to see this as a completely new start. Many people get stuck in a rut and wish they could change career/location but never get the chance to make the jump. This could be yours - seize the day and yes, it will be hard, but a bright new day is opening up in front of you. I hope it all works out for you.

[calamityalice]

Thanks for your reply, I've been trying to find information about women's refuges as I do need to get away but can't see how it all works. I'd literally leave with nothing, what if I end up homeless or my daughter gets taken away?