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I'm not enjoying being a mother at all

(29 Posts)
Cupcakemummy85 Wed 03-Oct-12 10:03:26

Today is one of those days where I just can't take it anymore! My dd is 15 months and I just can't get to grips with being a mum! When she was 11 months I fell pregnabt and was so happy about it as my dd was a really easy baby. Now is a different story and she is so much harder than she was. I've put posts up on here about getting nannies to help, nurserys etc. I'm not coping at all and I really don't know what to do. My sister had a baby today and I felt happy for her and a bit sad because I remember when my dd was born all I seemed to feel was scared. I'm worried now how I will cope with two. I know all this stress is bad for the baby but I can't seem to calm down. I really feel as though I'm close to having a meltdown! Just needed to share with someone as my dh seems to busy to deal with it all right now.

mashedpotatohead Wed 03-Oct-12 11:51:42

Oh cupcake, sorry you are feeling this way. I have also felt like this many times. I had PND with my first ds & suffered with anxiety after my second. I did have cbt after my 2nd though & this really helped me to calm down. I also take AD's but I'm not suggesting you need that too (just being honest!).

I realised after cbt that I think in quite a negative way & I'm the world's biggest worrier! It has given me really useful tools to talk myself out of my negative thoughts & be more realistic.

Also, be kind to yourself being pregnant. Those blooming hormones do have us all feeling a bit flaky at times. Your dd will be 20months too (I think) when you have bubs & in a different stage again. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to, maybe have a blub with? (always helps me!) Take care ((((hug))) x

LosingItBigTime Wed 03-Oct-12 12:56:13

Hi cupcakemummy. I have an 18 month old and am due in 8 days with DC2. I know exactly how you feel. I had PND after the birth oft first and have been clinically depressed through the second half of this pregnancy. Initially when I found out I was pregnant again I cried my head off. I felt I wasn't ready. I then talked myself around after 24 hours or so...DH convinced me it was a good thing this happened as DS would get a sibling he would never have had otherwise. I planned not to have children again after the PND!

Well, as pregnancy wore on, I began to find things more and more difficult and panicked that I wouldn't cope. I didn't enjoy motherhood and just couldn't imagine going through it all again.

I'm now being treated with ADs and have regular contact with crisis team and MH team at the maternity hosp I'm due to deliver at. I can honestly say that things get easier eventually. I know I haven't had baby 2 yet but there is lots of support in place for me to try and deal with any PND I may suffer etc. I hated looking after my little boy while he was between 15-16 months. He was difficult and whiny and for me, impossible to keep happy. As I've started to feel better in myself, I've felt closer to my son again. He's over the whiny phase and is lovely again.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone in how you've been feeling. If you have felt low and unable to cope for a prolonged period, please please tell your GP and your midwife. Get help if you need it. I certainly did and am glad for it now.

If you have friends, family who can take your 15 month old off your hands every now and again for hour or two, that will help too. You need a break and to look after yourself.

LosingItBigTime Wed 03-Oct-12 13:00:29

Please take care of you...if you need to chat or ask anything, please feel free to PM me. There is hope, I was in complete darkness (see my other thread "pregnant with horrific negative thoughts" and if I can begin to see light at the end of that particular nightmare tunnel, you will definitely start to feel more positive (I hope!)

Cupcakemummy85 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:35:29

I'm not sure how to pm on here, but it would great if u could let me know how. I don't really have anybody that understands or that will sympathise with me. Whenever I try to talk to someone they just say u wanted kids so get on with it. But as you probably know its not that simple and it's a lot deeper than that. I just dont understand where it went so wrong. One minute she was an absolute joy to look after the next she just became so difficult, crying all the time about every little thing. It's great to know it gets easier and I really appreciate everybody sharing their stories it's a great comfort to know I am not alone.
I had PND with my first and I've spoken to the midwife and I'm booked in with the doc next week. I feel so tearful. I sat in the corner of the room and cried histerically and my dh just looked at me as if I was mental. Everyone tells me get out and go to mums and tots groups Etc but last time I went to one of those I got totally snubbed and overheard conversations about all of them wanting a million children and what wonderful mothers they were. Needless to say I came home crying.
I feel so guilty. Guilty that I've never really enjoyed my daughter. I've always been worried about her. Now it's her crying and whinging i cabt take it. I know babies cry but it really gets to me and I just start having breakdowns.
I told my dh today all I wanted to b was a good mum. I just wanted to be the kind of mum that could cope and was relaxed about everything like most if my friends with children are. Why can't I cope? I'm sorry this is really all about me post :s sorry

LosingItBigTime Wed 03-Oct-12 17:22:37

Gosh, you're really suffering. I can relate to absolutely everything you've posted above. I cry about the same things. I think you probably are doing a great job but you lack self confidence and by comparing yourself to others you are doubting your abilities. You have gotten this far, you will get through it.

You can send me a private message by going to your inbox and selecting new message and enter my userid to send it to.

I honestly know how you feel. No one can understand what we are going through unless they've experienced this. You desperately need support. I'm really glad you've talked to your MW...she should refer you to people who will understand and support you. When you start offloading all your worries and fears, hopefully just by doing that you will feel a little better at least.

LosingItBigTime Wed 03-Oct-12 17:36:57

Keep posting on here too. I found it very therapeutic to get things out.

bacon Wed 03-Oct-12 23:44:27

well my boys werent that close - 3 & 6 and the last couple of years have made me feel horrendous. Its not fun and question who much enjoyment is in having young children in the home while your left to juggle housework, chores etc while the OH can escape back to the adult world.

Actually, this isnt uncommon, speaking to 'real' women who arent scared to open up also say they spent the first few years in constant tears.

If there is PND or general depression (unsure if there were issues before the birth of DD1) its understandable. Seems to be lack of discussion on how real mums feel when left at home. What you feel is what many feel dont feel hopeless.

I found keeping a strict routine worked for me. That way I could feel control, knowing why baby was crying, knowing what I had to do next to keep on top of everything. What doesnt help is lack of sleep this can seriously stir up any depression or feeling low. Again I found with a routine (book style) helped but the poor sleep sleep with head chaos makes a cocktail of unable to cope.

I found once baby in routine going outside was more manageable. Could you think of joining the leisure centre and some have creche facilites. Get some exercise and freedom without the pressure of joining in with other people. I'm sure getting a bit of exercise may give you a little buzz. Agree about groups far too many women talking about repetative 'natural' birthing and 'how I wouldnt change a thing' (while I puke!).

I cried loads after a terrible birth with DS2, no one helped me, no one understood that I failed to give birth naturally again. I do think having a breakdown histerical moment is pretty common not just women who have depression suffer.

Being at home with two young children cannot be underestimated I'm glad you can talk about it.

If you can, see about some cognative therapy, it helps loads, you may have to pay but its worth it.

Cupcakemummy85 Thu 04-Oct-12 10:23:59

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and ur kind words. I feel a bit better today. My daughter is just really testing me at the moment. I love her so much I just want her to b happy. She just doesn't seem happy and nothing I do helps. I've tried putting in an extra nap, doing more things with her but she still cries. It makes me so upset, I've tried asking other mums on here about routines etc and I always seem to end up defending my parenting. I'm so exhausted why does her crying wind me up and affect me so much?! She has woken up crying and I can't litreally feel myself tense up!

LosingItBigTime Thu 04-Oct-12 15:48:56

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you and can relate totally to the tensing and panic that sets in when you hear DD cry. You just think 'oh God, not again, please!'

It is so very hard and believe me it's not as easy as it may look to you to others either. Behind closed doors I'm sure even the best of the perfect mummies have a tough time.

I just had a thought about whys DS was so miserable at that age and it was because he was teething. His top two canines were trying to cut through but kept going up and down and he really struggled with them. They've only just both finally cut and still working their way down fully. They are brutal so it may be worth checking your DD's gums for any bumps or swelling. It could obviously be something else entirely but I thought it may possibly be the terrible eye teeth.

I hope you're ok.

bacon Thu 04-Oct-12 19:00:52

You need to get a couple of books on routine I for one is a big fan of Gina Ford (others out there) Many parents get treat routine like a dirty word but if like me you need control in your life and routine helps then books like these are a godsend. Asking other mums if pointless as you get some who just go with the flow while others are strict by the minute.

It helped me loads I would of jumped out of the window if I hadnt had this book by my side. I was very strict but found it payed off.

Really if you DD is crying alot then there may be a reason???? A happy, content baby shouldnt be grizzling.

I would also consider a day or so in nursery, this to was a godsend, gave me time to work (business partner) and catch up and also have a break.

LosingItBigTime Thu 04-Oct-12 20:45:46

I have just bought a Gina book even though I'm not really a big Gina fan at all. It's called contented little baby and toddler and makes helpful suggestions about how to juggle two small children. It isn't anywhere near as rigid as her original book and I think it will help to set things into a workable routine so that things don't get too chaotic. It's on amazon and has some good reviews.

It may help you but don't put any pressure on yourself at this stage. One day at a time.

Mylittlepuds Sat 06-Oct-12 13:57:16

Hi. Just a message to say I'm 'there' with you. DS is 18 months, have found out I'm expecting again (God knows how it happened but it has). After the birth of DS I literally went to hell and back with anxiety (and I still suffer badly). I'm 11 weeks pregnant now and more often than not days with DS are a constant panic. I don't even know what I'm panicking about but it's enough to make me feel desperately unhappy. Today's not a good day. In fact I've had to come upstairs and get into bed and onto MN.

In terms of coping with two - I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I too find life as a mum so hard, and that's with just one child. I've made the decision that I'm not going to worry about 'that bit' yet. I have enough on my plate just getting through the day.

I'm sorry I've not added anything positive. I suppose it's just nice to vent to people who understand - and hopefully make you feel more 'normal' in the process.

If it's any food for thought I was chatting with a friend the other day and 8 out of 10 mums in her toddlers group are on ADs. And according to friend it's the seemingly the most 'together' mums struggling. It just feels to me like the 'I love mummyhood' brigade are often not what they seem. I'm not saying being a mum is all bad (it has beautiful moments) but those who don't admit to the shit are doing a disservice to their peers IMO.

Cupcakemummy85 Sat 13-Oct-12 11:51:21

It's nice to read that people are there with me on this but at the same time I'm sorry to hear that u r sad I thought I was doing well this week, had an appointment with the doc and told him I felt fine then Sod's law I felt like crap today. Dd has been crying probably because we have been in all morning and she is bored. She also decided to head butt me and throw a tantrum which just sent me into a crying black hole. I can't control my moods especially when dh is around. I don't know why but his words seriously grate on me!! I'm trying so hard, I went to lots of groups this week, teeth clenched together and all lol. Maybe I just have to except this is a bad day, one of many and it happens.
How does everyone else cope with bad days?

househuntingforever Sun 14-Oct-12 20:40:24

Hi Cupcake,

I know exactly how you feel. My dd is just over 2yrs and has got a bit easier but it has been hard and lonely. I too looked at all my friends who found everything so easy and I used to cry all the time and am sure I had a bit of PND. Dd also had milk intolerance diagnosed at 3 months, and silent reflux too until about 20months. She refused to eat food until 8 months and I used to get so stressed out. DH works long hours and was and is still hardly ever here to help and so everything is upto me and it is really draining. Also I have a SIL who had a baby 3 months before me and so the two babies was and still are constantly compared and it is so irritating as they are two extremely different children. Dd has also still got terrible seperation anxiety and I have hired someone 3 days a week to help out and she screams even if I go to the toilet. It really is so difficult, I really want some of my life back and am really put off having another child after all the health problems and lack of social interaction I have had with Dd. I love her so much but at the same time I feel tired and drained all the time.
Anyway I could go on, but the main point is that I know how you feel and it does get easier. Our children are a blessing and they are amazing little people. At the same time it is really hard. I have no answer... some things that make me feel better are going out for walks, help clear the mind and some fresh air is good! DH now looks after DD on saturdays so I can get some time to myself as this is so important. I hope this helped.
A lot of people who have easy kids do not understand as they have never felt this way, but I do sympathise as I totally understand how you feel. Motherhood is not all what I expected. PM me if you want to talk more.

downtonscullery Mon 15-Oct-12 18:08:42

Hi cupcake your thread has really struck a chord with me.

How are you feeling?

BabsJansen Mon 15-Oct-12 18:26:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoophopes Mon 15-Oct-12 19:53:18

Hi cupcake. I found it exhausting and difficult at times when I was pregnant (with first and only child so far), so I am in awe of anyone who is pregnant with a young toddler/baby as my ds takes all my energy and more right now!

Could you use childminder/nappy/nursery etc a bit each week, if feasible, to give you a break - to give you time for yourself before your 2nd baby comes. I had no time for "me" at all when ds was born (and wished I had done more to prepare for first one when I had the time, put meals in freezer etc).

Could you talk to your health visitor about your dd, to reasure you that how she is now is how they are at that stage? She may be able to signpost you to helpful things also.

Cupcakemummy85 Mon 15-Oct-12 22:29:01

I've had a not so good day today, took my dd to a baby group and she cried the whole time for no reason and the rest of the afternoon. It sent me into total meltdown. So much so that my dh and I argued and I threatened to leave. Not a good day at all!! It's so sad because I want to spend all my time with my dd but I want our time to b happy and on days like this nothing I do is good enough. I'm exhausted. How does everyone deal with the whingy crying of their toddler? I just want her to have fun with me. All the parents were looking at me as if to say "why is ur daughter crying? Do something!!" My friend even text me later on saying she was worried about me because I seemed stressed! How embarrassing! I wanted to put my coat on my head and pretend I was invisible. I tried to comfort her, ignore her, distract her. Now my friend thinks I'm a bad mum and mental too lol great! I might speak to my health visitor, great suggestion thanks so much. It's wonderful how supportive u all are. smile

BabsJansen Tue 16-Oct-12 06:23:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fromheretomaternity Tue 16-Oct-12 07:03:39

I really wanted to post as I have struggled with being a mum too. I have two DSs (4 and 1), DS1 was a very unsettled baby and cried and cried, so baby groups were a nightmare as I was constantly comparing him with other babies and wondering what I was doing wrong (nothing, as it turns out, he was just refluxy). DS2 was an easier baby but because I had both to look after I found it so hard. I was probably depressed after both, but not sure i realised quite how bad at the time.

My single biggest regret is not getting more help. I had some time for DS1 in nursery, which helped a bit, but not with the loneliness, and when he got sick it was just a nightmare looking after both.

Can you afford to get help from a mothers help / nanny / willing teenager etc for say a couple of hours a day? For me that could have made a huge difference - help for ME in my home, a point in the day to actually look forward to, someone who could do whatever was needed, and give me breathing space, time just to go for a coffee on my own, have a lie down, etc. You can advertise on Gumtree, it's not too hard to find someone, then try to feel guilt-free about using the time however you need it.

Hoophopes Tue 16-Oct-12 13:15:39

Hi - my baby son always seems to be the crying, grizzly, unhappy one at baby groups. then I found out he had reflux, hence the unhappiness. Health visitors are useful for ruling things out, reassuring and signpointing for help so hope you can phone her up and get her to visit you. Perhaps dd will play up for her so you can show her what it is like for you.

Cupcakemummy85 Wed 17-Oct-12 12:58:56

I just called them so hopefully they will call me back. I Tuesday was a very very good day but today my dd woke up in another one of those moods but I've tried to b really positive. I went to another tots group which was lovely but she got hurt by another child which was horrible and ever since then was back in a bad mood sad lunch was out if the question she threw it on the floor (it was soup!!!!!!) so I gave her a pear, raisins and carrot stick crisp things, is that ok? I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I held back the tears and tried to just ignore my feelings and get on with it. I feel I need training in how to cope with a toddler, because I'm crap at this lol

BabsJansen Wed 17-Oct-12 17:09:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arcadia Wed 17-Oct-12 19:02:22

Have you considered going on a parenting group? You get to put DD in a crèche for a couple of hours and talk to other parents. It was about six weeks at a local family centre, then a follow up a month later. so good and so helpful that my DP also did one shortly after me and it made such a difference. I am not at all saying you 'need' it but it just give you some time out and some head space, you get to meet other people and talk openly (and they were a real mixture but all nice) and you get some strategies and feel more confident.
Don't have time to say more now but totally sympathise, I have been there too! (Though still just one DD aged 2.10) oh and they get SO much more fun when they are 2 and onwards and you can have chats!

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