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does how you feel inside match how you appear to the world?

(47 Posts)
poobum5 Thu 20-Sep-12 22:02:47

So, on the outside, I get up every day, I get dc up (with dc help admittedly) and get them to school on time, with more or less everything they need.I then go to work in a very demanding professional job, where I apparently come across as very competent and calm. I finish work and collect dc from school, come home and sort tea/reading homework etc...admittedaly lately I have been fairly crap with housework/laundry etc...but it gets done...
on the outside I seem fine, to work colleagues, aquaitances and even to dh a lot of the time.
On the inside though I am a mess. my anxiety levels go through the roof. I am binging on all sorts of total rubbish. I have gained over a stone in the last few months. I hate myself and my body shape. I am beyond grumpy with dc. and I hate myself for that. I drink even though I know it wont help in the long term but mostly because my feelings of distress become too much for me to bare and I know that wine will make me feel better in that moment.
I know the things that will help me , such as going running, but never manage to keep that up more than 2 or 3 times in a row.
I really truly loath myself. I have thoughts of killing myself - but don't think I would because I do believe that however terrible I am as mother that my dc would suffer irreparably if I killed myself so I know I wouldn't actually do it but when my feelings of distress get to this point I am overwhelmed by an urge to just run off and end it all.
I am not on any meds though have tried anti ds in the past with varying success. DH is very anti meds.
It all feels so bleak and I cant see any way out of this mess. I have tried telling DH how bad I feel, but really dont think he has a clue.
My GP is totally useless so I cant go there.
I am trying to sort some money for some counselling, but some days I dont know how Im going to go on, but I always do....I am such a failure.
I have wonderful beautiful children who I really dont deserve and it kills me that I am being such a crap mum to them.

ScariestFairyByFar Thu 20-Sep-12 22:05:21

Sorry don't know how to help but I could have written your post sad I know exercise would help me but I'm a lp so can't get to gym/out for a run

amillionyears Thu 20-Sep-12 22:10:39

I think you need to see a different GP as soon as possible to discuss all this.

suebfg Thu 20-Sep-12 22:11:17

I don't think my symptoms are severe as yours as I have no thoughts of self harm but I can identify with some of what you are experiencing.

Exercise really helps me with stress and so does taking time out to pamper myself, having a bubble bath etc.

However, maybe you need to consider whether your demanding job is taking its toll on you. Can you identify when the issues started? It might help identify where the problem lies.

ScariestFairyByFar Thu 20-Sep-12 22:13:52

Sorry to jump on your post I'm back at doctors tomorrow last time he told me it was all circumstantial and to draw on my family supports hmmm I don't have any!

poobum5 Thu 20-Sep-12 22:17:47

thanks for the replies.
There is no chance of a different GP, mine currently is the best of a bad lot!
yes, it is true that my job is VVV stressful and is without doubt taking its toll on my mental health. I have a lot of family demands too and tbh the combination is too much for me.
In realitiy though, for various including financial reasons I am tied really. I do think I maybe need to reduce my hours at work, but that may not be possible (as in it is unlikely they would agree) and financially it would be hard. The advantage of my current job is that it is only 10 mins away from kids school which make combining it with school drop off/pick up much easier. ANy other job would cost us ££££ in before and after school care so I am stuck really.
I do feel very trapped and totally overwhelemed and I feel that becauase I "keep coping" no one is taking seriously how bad I feel inside.
it is all such a mess.

amillionyears Thu 20-Sep-12 22:23:29

Any chance at all that you could change surgeries completely.
I have never done this so no idea how difficult it is and how long it would take.iI dont mean to bang on about this,so feel free to ignore me.
But I personally would try and leave a surgery where none of the GPs are much cop.

suebfg Thu 20-Sep-12 22:28:51

If you're having suicidal thoughts, you really need to try to find a solution. Your employer has a responsibility if you are suffering from work stress. I appreciate that raising work stress issues with your employer might not be an easy thing to do, but you can raise it in the context of both work and outside life pressures. And if you have a young family, you are entitled to request flexible working.

From my own experience of anxiety, I think there can be a tendency to over-analyse and come up with blockers in your own mind. Your employer might not agree to reduced hours but alternatively they might agree - if you don't ask, you don't get.

Alternatively you might find a less stressful job on better pay if you look. Or if you look at your family finances, you might find you can afford to take a lesser paid job.

PS, from my experience, I don't think good pay always means a stressful job.

poobum5 Thu 20-Sep-12 22:29:25

thanks for the sugesstion amillionyears. This is third gp surgery I am with! our "local "one is VV crap. I was then with a decent one for 1 yr, then we moved away for a year (long story! DH job related!) came back and tried to re-register with good one, but they had changed criteria and were no longer accepting pts form our area. I rang PCT, but our choice boiled down to local VV crap one or another slightly less crap one not far away - which is what we went with. TBH he is not bad with physical stuff, but rubbish with mental health stuff. last time I went he had google page on depression open on his PC!!

Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to just refuse to get up in a morning and tell the whole world I was not well enough!

poobum5 Thu 20-Sep-12 22:33:05

thanks suebfg. you are right about asking I suppose. recent times have been vv stressful with lots of difficult team dynamics. I am in a v. specialised area and only qualified to work in this area. I do search endlessly for alternative jobs in a commutable distance but nothing so far. I have booked an app at our local workplace well-being place in a couple of weeks - I think I can have up to 6 counselling sessions there which may help me cope better...

poobum5 Thu 20-Sep-12 22:35:00

I should ad dthat I do already work part time, I work 4 days a week, but spread over 5 days, finishing early 4 days a week so I can pick up dc from school.
I do realise I am lucky to have a fairly well paid job that allows be to do this really...but I am still cracking up!

letticepetticoat Thu 20-Sep-12 22:44:33

Hi Poo,it sounds as though you are really struggling at the moment...Do you have any RL friends you could talk to? Could you at least change your Gp within the surgery to one who is more supportive of emotional issues? Although your DH is anti meds,you are the one who is suffering and you are an individual person as well as being a partner..if you are feeling overwhelmed,a short term course of ADs could well give your mind a rebalance and a chance to recover from your emotional stress.
From one who has been there,this will get better-be kind to yourself,take time,be guided by your own needs

poobum5 Thu 20-Sep-12 23:02:08

lettice our GP is the only one in the practice...I was wondering if I went to one of our local walk in NHS centers - do they have GPs there? would they even get involved in something like mental health or would they just tell me to go back to my regular GP...anyone know? I suppose they couldnt really follow you up so would be unlikely to prescribe meds etc...
I feel so self pittying. I feel as if I should be able to pull myself together and do things I know would help...so why do I keep doing the opposite???

purplepenguin86 Thu 20-Sep-12 23:54:22

I have always been brilliant at hiding how I feel - I can fool anybody if I want to, and have done on many occasions. I find it exhausting - I can keep it up if I need to, but it leaves me feeling completely wiped out, and even worse inside.

It sounds like you're in a bad position regarding GPs. Have you checked recently that you can't go back to the good one? I know that with all the changes coming in GPs are getting more relaxed about boundaries, so that people can see a GP nearer work if that is more convenient etc. I don't know when it was you spoke to the PCT, but it may be worth checking again.

The other thing I would suggest, is if you do have to stick to the crap GP, try asking him for what you want. I think a lot of the time the problem with GPs and MH problems is that they just aren't confident enough - they don't have a deep enough knowledge (possibly indicated by the Google search!) If you think this might be the case, then don't be afraid to do a bit of research and say to him 'I heard that X is an option and I thought that may be of use to me - what would you think about that?' Avenues worth looking at are the IAPT service, which offers primary care psychological stuff, ranging from online CBT through to CAT therapy depending on what they deem your needs to be, and also the link worker. GP surgeries don't seem to advertise it much, but they virtually all have a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who visits the GP surgery X days a week. They advise the GPs on cases, signpost onto other services (including IAPT), help you find appropriate help, liase with secondary services in more severe cases etc. It may be worth asking your GP if your surgery has one, and if you could see them for a chat to find out what other services are available in your area. Then of course meds are an option - if you feel like you need them and they have helped in the past then explain to your DH what is going on and why you think the meds may help, and try to get him to understand. Or just ask your GP for them and don't mention it to DH, whichever you prefer!

The alternative to NHS is of course seeing a counsellor privately, as you mentioned. There are some good ones out there - the type depends on what you feel you need. If you just want someone to talk to, or if you want to learn CBT techniques, or have CAT therapy etc etc. But if you can afford to go private, then certainly don't rule it out - it certainly cuts waiting list times for a start!

Take care, and do feel free to come back on here and talk when you need to. I'm more than happy to listen - I may not be able to do anything, but I can offer a sympathetic ear.

poobum5 Fri 21-Sep-12 09:46:17

thanks all so much for your replies.
purple it was a couple of years ago I rang oct about GPs so things may well have changed since then. I think I will investigate that a bit further.
I have ended up being off work today as my youngest dc was sick when he woke up so is off school.
I am now stressing about work being annoyed etc...but we have no other friends/family nearby so I had no choice but to take days carers leave...sigh...
Half of me is tempted to ring the GP and go down there and just ask for anti ds (I m fairly sure he would give me them if thats what I say I want!) but then I dont know....the first time I was on them they definitely helped. second time less so, and then third time I tried fluoxetine instead of citalopram and that didnt really help much either.
I honestly feel as if my head is so totally messed up I dont know if I can fix it on my own. My eating is also a real problem just now. I lost 41/2 stone over 2 years to get down to a healthy BMI and I felt great and was very proud. everyone commented how good I looked etc... Now this year I have put just over a stone of that back on, and I cant begin to explain the negative effect that is having on me.I have had to buy a size bigger clothes and feel honestly devastated by that. I realise that I am probably focusing more on that than is rational, but that is part of the problem. I spend so much time thinking about my body size/shape and food it is becoming obsessive and out of control. I turn to food all the time to cope with difficult feelings. My head knows it wont help, but still I do it.....over and over again. and then after I have binged I just loath myself even more and my mood spirals further down.....
I know that I would score really highly on various depression scores. I know that I have loads of symptoms of depression. But I also know that so much of it is tied up with all I have to cope with - but then really I also have so much to be thankful for that I then feel guilty for feeling so stressed out all the time. I just cant seem to get anything into its proper perspective right now. My anxiety levels shoot through the roof at the littlest things.
Oh ... I am SUCH a mess.sad

poobum5 Fri 21-Sep-12 09:50:12

scariestfairy just seen you are back at docs today . I hope it goes well for you and you get somewhere. It is so hard when you feel you cant even turn to gp isnt it. Please pop back on here and moan if you need to....it isnt the same as a good GP or family support but it may help a teeny bit. good luck.

poobum5 Fri 21-Sep-12 10:28:39

have taken the plunge and have app at Drs on Monday. Will I think ask for anti ds. will also ask to see mental health practitioner attached to practice, and may even book a session with the counsellor there for god measure.
Very scared, but cant really face going on feeling like this. hope gp has googled before I go this time!

amillionyears Fri 21-Sep-12 10:29:10

I think you need to go to the GPs and ask for ads.
It will then give you a bit of breathing space to sort out anything else that you think may need sorting.

poobum5 Fri 21-Sep-12 11:13:42

Thanks million yes, that's what i'm thinking. I just don't think I can do it on my own right now, even if I can identify some of things that may help I am just in too much of a bad way to really follow any of them through right now. Hopefully ads will lift me/sort my head out just enough for me to start to make other changes/pursue counselling etc....
I sort of feel relieved now but also sort of worse...it's sort of as if I am slowly stopping "pretending" that everything is OK and admitting that actually, for what ever reason, I am really not at all well just now. and that's quite scarey.
I am considering asking GP to sign me off work for a week or two, but would be worried about what colleagues etc would think... I think because I always pretend, especially at work, to be so in control and on top of things I really struggle with the idea of people knowing that actually I am struggling...also due to the area I work in it is tricky admitting to mental health issues....I'm not sure what to do for the best. I know a break would help me, but would the thought of going back and people knowing (and they would know) be just too much stress to cope with?
still at least I am being distracted today by poor poorly ds2 who is still being sick, bless him....hmm

milktraylady Fri 21-Sep-12 11:34:34

OP you sound depressed.
These are your options-

get counselling- if on private medical insurance, if not its worth just paying.
move to a less demanding job
take anti depressants
Take lots of omega oil supplements to support your brain
Go easy on yourself
Talk to your DP
Tell your gp your first post info
Get your family to help out
Go away for a week on your own somewhere quiet

If you don't make changes then you will 'run into a wall' crack up, whatever you want to call it, this will happen.
You can't keep pushing your physical & mental body like this.

I have been there & got the tshirt.
Good luck <hugs>

suebfg Fri 21-Sep-12 12:36:41

Re work, I don't think you need to admit to mental health issues. Regrettably I think there is still stigma associated with mental health issues at work and I think the 'label' could stick even after you've sorted yourself out.

However, what you could say to work is that for outside work reasons, you need to look at cutting down your hours if possible. They can only say no. If you're a specialist though, they may have no option but to accommodate your request.

Reducing your work hours may help but the problems may lie deeper. Are you a perfectionist OP? My own (limited) experiences are that people with a perfectionist streak are more likely to have mental health issues are they are incredibly hard on themselves.

LizLemon007 Fri 21-Sep-12 12:38:16

heyzoos kreesto that is the question that occupied my 8 sessions of psychotherapy, pretty much. just marking this thread now and will come back when i've read properly.

suebfg Fri 21-Sep-12 12:38:45

I also agree wholeheartedly with milktraylady - you will eventually hit a brick wall if you don't sort it out. It might be something trivial that will set it off but the stress builds over a period of time and before you know it ..

LizLemon007 Fri 21-Sep-12 12:41:59

Gosh, just read. I have never felt so low as you feel. I think you should go to the gp and tell them how you feel. Don't wait for 6 sessions of counselling some point down the line.

I'm incrediblyl hard on myself too suebfg. I have very critical voices.

suebfg Fri 21-Sep-12 13:07:32

It's not everyone's cup of tea but you could check out the Paul McKenna CDs - there are several (losing weight, feeling happier etc). I've found them very helpful and they worked for me but if nothing else, they make you lie down and relax for half an hour

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