low mood/self confidence issues...I know what I need to do

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

But I cant bring myself to speak to anyone. Where do I find the strenght?

In the last week the only people I have had a conversation with are DP and DD. This is my norm. I used to have friends. I have withdrew from them all. I dont speak to any of my family. Before anyone says it, its entirely my own doing, not DP manipulating me. Infact, I think hes a bit worried about me.

Where we have just moved to there is a little corner shop that sells homemade cakes for the bun aisle. They make them on site. DP was chatting to the owner who mentioned they were looking someone casual to do a few hours a week helping out with the baking. This is my ideal job. It couldnt be more perfect. I could manage the few hours even with being pegnant and we could do with the money. All I have to do is go in and speak to her.

But I cant. I keep putting it off. Its really the final straw. Why cant I do it? Im so angry at myself.

I have so much going on. So much to deal with. I cant process all the thoughts in my head. I think I have been ignoring it for a long time.

I know I need to see my GP. But I cant face it at all. I wouldnt know where to start. I know it might get worse and I could end up unable to even leave the house. I want to catch it now. But how do I find the strenght? Have any of you been here? How did you find a way out?

[feeno]

I know how hard it can be to ask for help. You keep beating yourself up thinking 'what's my problem?' and 'why can't I just pull myself together?'. The thing is, you can't get yourself together because you're not well.

It is very scary to ask for help, I know from personal experience. Have you thought about writing things down and giving what you've written to your GP? Or even printing off what you've written here?

Just posting on here was very brave of you-

Could DP come with you to see GP for support?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I know that he would. And I know that it isnt as bad or as scary as I think. But that still doesnt make me stop putting it off.

I just feel right now that things are coming at me from all directions. Thank you for your reply though. I think I do need to write it all down. Then atleast I might know where to start with the GP.

[amillionyears]

I keep thinking about your perfect job just sitting there waiting for you.
Would you be able to write to the lady and tell her you would love the job,and slightly explain the situation?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

DP keeps saying he will go in for me, but Im so ashamed that I cant do it myself that the thought of him doing that or writing it down would make things worse. How could I go on my first day knowing I couldnt even go in and speak to her.

DP keeps saying I should relax because Im under no obligation and I can just use being pregnant (33weeks) as the excuse for not doing it. But he doesnt seem to get that Im just so angry at myself and thats the main issue.

I cant really believe Im in this state. I have never been the most outgoing but its never been this bad.

[amillionyears]

Do you know what it is that we need to say to you to make you go to the GP and not to put it off iyswim?
Am slightly bumping for you as I may not be the best person to help you.

[amillionyears]

I have looked up agoraphobia,and it says in some cases it may rely on a friendly GP visiting you in your own home.

[feeno]

Write things down over the rest of the weekend-it can help to get things straight in your head sometimes when it fells like you're overwhelmed and trying to cope with too many things going on.

Once you've done that, call GP surgery first thing Monday with what you've written down in your hand to keep you motivated. The longer you leave it, the worse you could feel and you will be more likely to keep putting it off.

Tell DP you need to talk to a GP and to make the appointment for you if need be...please don't put it off any longer. Anxiety and depression can make you feel like you are doing everything wrong but it's not you. Don't let the feelings control you any more (easier said than done, I know). Just start with baby steps-make an appointment. Please.

As for job, would you consider calling the lady and talking over the phone first maybe? Or perhaps you can talk to GP first and then think of that later. One step at a time. Often, once you have told someone outside of of your family/friends what you're going through, that can make a huge difference and take the weight off your shoulders iyswim.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Thank you both. I really dont know what it would take someone to say to make me go to the GP :( but the writing it down idea seems to be making it less daunting. If I see it as steps instead of just going straight to GP iyswim.

I only make it to my antenatal appointments because I know that I HAVE to. But I cant speak to anyone there because Im scared they will refer me to SS (this is one of the major stresses at the minute, its being held over me)

The thought of having the GP come here is nearly worse. I think that would force me into seeing theres a problem iyswim. God I dont know. My thoughts are just so muddled. I think because somedays I can take DD into school/go to shops etc Im telling myself its normal. But I should be able to do that everyday. I shouldnt avoid DPs friends.

I have to stop telling myself I can fix it alone and just admit I need help.

Thank you for replying even when Im so difficult.

[NanaNina]

How long have you been in this position wannabe (and who wants to be a domestic godness anyway!) Is it something that has been going on for a long time. If not, I'm wondering if it could be pre-natal depression. I wonder too about your family and why it tis you are separated from them. Sorry a lot of questions.

I think you are starting to see that writing things down is helping you, so maybe you need to keep on posting. Can you tell us more about your feelings as well as the problems yu are having just now.

REally I wanted mainly to say that you must not worry about being referred to Social Services. I have 30 years experience as a social worker and middle manager in childrens services (now retired) and I can absolutely assure you that no-one is going to refer you to Social Services. The very last thing sws want to do is become involved with families where there is not a pressing need. They are stacked out with work that they cannot do because they are under-resourced and believe me, they will not be interested in becoming involved with someone like you. As for removal of children there has to be evidence to provide to a court that a child is suffering significant harm BEFORE a court will agree to a child being moved from his family, so PLEASE PLEASE stop worrying about this, and talk to a HV or someone at your ante-natal classes.

SO how about posting HOW you feel e.g.
scared
sad mood
no interest
no motivation
whatever, whatever. Your feelings may be nothing like that, but it might help you clarify things and allow people to be more help to you. All of us on this MH board have had or still do have mental illness of one sort or another, so you won't be posting anything that is going to shock anyone. OR make the list and don't post it here, but take it to your GP. Again you won't be telling him/her anything he/she hasn't heard hundreds of times before.

BUT if nothing else please stop worryng about social services becoming involved because that is NOT going to happen.

[feeno]

I totally understand! I was really really scared too. I'm 36 weeks pregnant at mo, have a 17 month old DS and struggling to cope with him and the thought of a newborn just terrifies me. I was so scared that telling the GP honestly what kind of horrid negative thoughts I was having was going to lead to a SS referral or me being sectioned! I needn't have been so scared though. The last thing that medical Professionals and SS want to do is break up families-they just want to make sure they do everything they can to keep you all together and keep you sane and well.

I assure you, once you make that first step, you'll feel soooo much better. Please please see your GP soon. I did and it was the best thing I did. Telling my midwife helped too-I got referred to a specialist MH midwife, was seen by a consultant soon after and have been supported by home treatment ever since. It has helped so much and at no point have SS been mentioned. I really hope you call GP Monday or speak to your midwife. They will help you...please tell them

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

My ex has already called them about a month ago. They just called me and then closed the case. But hes saying he will call them again.

Only this time they will contact DDs school who will have to tell them that there were police in the carpark this week and the police were later requesting cctv from the school. None of it was our fault, we were the victims, but that added to a second call from my ex is enough to make them want to investigate further surely?

I know I have nothing to hide, but honestly, I really cannot face SS again.

Apart from that Im generally just a bit in despair. I have no motivation. I cry quite a bit. Not every day, but some days are worse than others. I think I have always had stages in my life where I was low but I always got through it myself.

My appetite goes up and down aswell.

My family are just toxic and I had taken it for long enough. I am struggling to cope with that at the minute aswell. I do think some of it is pregnancy hormones, but I think it has been a bit like this before the pregnancy and now its just worse.

[feeno]

I think it could be Ante Natal Depression. If you were low before, the pregnancy hormones can be enough to tip the balance to make you feel even worse.

You need help with your MH first and foremost. Once you get the help you need, then you can think about other things like your ex maybe getting SS involved again.

Someone said to me (and it really helped lots) you can't control yesterday and no point regretting whats happened because that's been and gone, you have no idea what tomorrow will bring so no point thinking about how to control what you don't even know-you can only ever control anything in the here and now, but even that you can't ALWAYS control.

It's all about the baby steps. Think about now, think about trying to motivate yourself to get professional help with your low mood as soon as you can. For now, if you've already written things out, then great but if not, try that, or if you can't face it just yet-do something tiny but nice just for you. I'll assume your child is in bed, so maybe watch a show you like or read a gossip mag or something light and enjoyable or even get a foot massage from DP, just something small to help calm you.

[100mph]

It's a funny thing, how hard something can be - how difficult to imagine doing, all the fears building up - blocking you from moving forward even though you suspect you need to go there. And somehow, when you do get there - it's like a watershed. Most, if not all, the fear suddenly dissipates - you've moved on, even if just a little bit - asked for help and found someone ready to support you - which means you must be human and normal (!) and ready to move forward bit by bit..

I would strongly second all those that are encouraging you to speak to a midwife/ GP. I get from your posts that a key blocker is how you feel about the situation you're in/ your absolute frustration with yourself. I wonder if you re-framed how you look at yourself and your issues you would be able to drop some of the negative emotions undermining your efforts.

eg:

Everyone gets to points where they have a number of issues building up they want to address. - You're normal.

When you have a lot of issues built up - they can easily become overwhelming. - That's normal - but a challenge.

With a toddler and late pregnancy you've got hormones, exhaustion and distraction galore to also deal with. - Really adds to the challenge.

You've identified you're feeling overwhelmed, suspect you're in a bit of denial/ thinking you should be able to sort everything when you're struggling. - That's perception.

You've agreed to set out the issues and identified people you might want to speak to to get help. - That's a plan.

You could continue to think of yourself as a muppet, not able to pull yourself together and do everything even as you feel everything close in around you.. Or you could accept that at least some of the context you're in is completely normal - and a very genuine challenge to most people; you've begun to identify what's holding you back; are ready to break it down a bit so you can begin to get help about how to address each issue; and even though you're shaking in your boots - you're going to keep thinking about how to make contact with those that can help.

That sounds to me like someone who might have a real mountain to climb - but despite fear clouding in - is continuing to be constructive, forward looking and brave.

If you can't write everything in detail - set out bullet points. See if you can prioritise the ones the affect you most, how they make you feel, any actions you think you need to take/ need someone else to take and importantly - where you want to get to on each issue - including how you want to feel about it/ what you want that issue to look like.

You can do it - even though it is hard. Just take one baby step at a time and possibly try and see yourself as someone doing a job/ getting things sorted - so you don't overpersonalise/ start judging yourself overly harshly. You just want to feel better / make things better for yourself. Everyone has some road to climb - at the moment this is yours. I don't think you would judge someone harshly for the same struggle would you?

good luck, 100x

[feeno]

Brilliant 100mph! You broke it all down perfectly. OP, I really hope the above motivates you and helps you to break down that wall of fear.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

You all speak so much sense.

Do you think that if its AND it will go when baby is born? I was like a different person in the early months of DDs life. I was so motivated etc. I think Im hoping for that again.

I think you are right 100mph. I am letting my anger at myself hold me back. The rational side of me is screaming at the other part to stop being so pathetic. To stop giving in. Im turning into my mum and I despise myself for letting it happen.

But if I was on another thread on here I would be telling the OP shes not pathetic or to blame.

I have sat down with a pad and pen but the page is still blank. Even bullet points wont come. Where to begin? I think Im scared that if I have it on paper it wont be the relief I need it to be. It might be more scary.

Im really in a muddle arent I. I think Im going to have to tell DP to make me an appointment.

[feeno]

Whatever it takes but please get the appointment and most importantly GO! Please don't beat yourself up-it is pretty hard looking at the blank page and not knowing where to start. You could print out this thread and take it with you to GP. People here have done that before.

I wrote emails to the Samaritans when I was suicidal and printed them off to take with me.

As for the depression improving after baby is born, it may do as long as you get help, but get help NOW. If you don't, you could sink into terrible PND and be much worse off.

[100mph]

yes - but it's a bit more than not being pathetic/ to blame. It's about you knowing your efforts can help find solutions. Not alone - even the best businesses rely on great people to help them - but you can be the one to help drive solutions by - as you say - asking your DP to make your appointment, giving your GP some words on a page with a title - 'I'm struggling to express it all -I feel overwhelmed - I need help.' etc..

It might be scary to put things on paper - but in practice - I believe that in your head - all those issues are coated with the fear/ shame/ frustration/ confusion that you express. When just some of them are written down - you can see them more objectively - and it becomes easier to deal with / or at least see rationally.

Try doing it with just one of the issues. The key to not being overwhelmed I think - is very much one step at a time.

I agree with Feeno - you might well feel better after the birth - but don't rely on this / wait to see what happens. Your actions may help you feel better earlier - it is empowering to be doing something.

[NanaNina]

You are getting good responses wannabee and you mention being scared to write anything down in case it doesn't bring you relief - but you're right - it probably won't make you feel any better and don't worry about doing it - sometimes it's helpful to get stuff on paper and out of your head. Anyway you have your first bullet point "I'm scared" - your symptoms sound so so much like depression and as others are saying you need to see the GP and explain how you are feeling.

Re social services. They are very used to ex's (usually men) making referrals about their partners and know that they are almost always malicious. In fact 2 referral from him will only serve to underline the fact that he is making malicious allegations. What was the business in the car park? Anyway IF they call the school all they will want to know how your child is in school and if the school have any concerns. They will then not take it any further. So STOP worrying about SS - I think depression and anxiety are very closely linked and I think it is your anxiety that is making you scared of social workers. PLEASE believe me that no social worker is going to be concerned about your child. That's an order!

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Thanks NanaNina. I feel slightly less anxious today so I am going to try to write some things down tonight.

The car park incident was our previous landlord. He threatened us to get out of the house saying we owed rent, which we didnt. So we moved. But didnt leave a forwarding address on the advice of police due to the threat.

He then asked around, found out what school DD is at and showed up. He called the police. They ended up cautioning him.

He showed up again the next day. We now have an emergency injunction.

Honestly, we did nothing to deserve it. Theres a lot of ins and outs and we were blaming ourselves. But police and solicitors cant even understand what his issue is.

Anyway, hes been spreading rumours around too. So all in all not the best impression has been made of us at the school.

[NanaNina]

OMG this is just awful for you on top of everything else. This man sounds like he has mental health issues or is just one of those horrible people in society. Does the emergency injunction have a "power of arrest" attached because if not it should have. Are you sure he doesn't know where you live?

Hope you can manage to phone the GP next week and get the help you need.

Does your ex have contact with your child - and assume he knows where you live/ Do you think he knows this ex landlord by any chance. I think IF SS are interested in anything it will be to ensure you and your child are safe.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

He doesnt know him directly but the LL could work out where my ex lives quite easily. Though if I tell my ex not to speak to the LL he will ask a million questions and judge me and make out its all my fault.

The LL was so horrible. He was trying to provoke DP into hitting him (DP is a cage fighter so it took all his will power not to give in).

Im not sure about the terms of the injunction because it only happened on fri so we didnt get a chance to speak with the solicitor. But the police have told the LL that if anything happens to our house they will hold him responsible. Its just such a mess.

My ex sees DD two nights a week. I have just started ignoring him and its helping.

[NanaNina]

Didn't realise you had a DP though you probably said so. Am not worried for your safety now - thought you were alone - what is a cage fighter btw - is it like boxing. Think the LL might be less keen on challenging your DP again.

What allegations is your ex making about you anyway - not that it is really important. Is he jealous that you have a new partner maybe. Think you need to speak to the solicitor again because injunctions without a "power of arrest" aren't really of much use, though better than nothing.

Anyway the important thing is that you see your GP, HV or MW and tell them about your symptoms. Ah I have seen a mention of your DP and yes get him to make you an appointment if necessary.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Yeah like boxing. LL knows this. Hes smaller too. I havent a clue where he thinks he will get with a black belt in jujitsu cage fighter really

My ex says shes messy/unclean. I spend all day in bed. Just general nonsense really. Shes never unclean but her hair is flyaway and because I dont like putting products in it (but his gf does) that means I am neglecting her. I dont spend days in bed but I am taking it easier.

I think he is jealous tbh. More because Im having another baby.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Having a really bad day. Tbh I wouldnt be surprised if DP makes an appointment without me asking.

Burying my head in the sand on here. Dont want to talk in rl. DP taking DD out for a while. Just feel completely overwhelmed.

TVs broke too. Not life or death but still a few hundred quid we dont have.

:(

[NotTheDaddy]

Oh gosh, you poor soul. When it rains it pours doesn't it? (feeno here btw, changed username)

Sending hugs and I hope you can bring yourself to talk to someone in RL for some help very soon.

The writing things out could still help if you can find the energy to write even a couple of lines. That way you could just give the piece of paper to midwife or GP and not have to say anything really.

I really do hope you'll do it.