to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

[Rhinestone]

Well I wouldn't call you crazy but I think you might have some mental health problems. What you describe sounds quite frightening and not very normal. I think you need to talk to someone quite urgently, maybe your GP?

Please please seek help, I really think your situation sounds very unsafe.

[adeucalione]

I am so sorry but yes I do think that you may have a mental health issue and would encourage you to talk to your family and a health professional as a matter of urgency.

[FIFIBEBE]

Very uneasy with what you have written. Please tell somebody trustworthy about this tonight and phone your GP tomorrow stressing the urgency.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

No I haven't experienced what you've described, but I do wonder if your conscience (inner voice) has manifested itself this way after your life event?

Is it possible that your contemplation of your own mortality has led you to consider what would happen to you and your family?

Fwiw I do think you should talk to someone, gp, counsellor because there's always a chance this could be a symptom of something else going on, consider it a warning if you like, but you should rule it out for the sake of your family.

[happyhazydaze]

Have you told anyone in real life about these experiences? It really is worth chatting to someone about, and as others have said, speak to your GP, they will have lots of experience of helping people who have gone through experiences like this.

[Emerging]

Thank you very much for the replies, and I do want to put your minds at rest that I am not going to do anything to myself (please don't think this is a suicide post, it definitely isn't). I think you are right that talking is wise... I'm just thinking carefully about who that should be.

[OovoofWelcome]

Perhaps the major life event had allowed you to accept your mortality and see it as something that isn't just a terrifying fact of life. You sound very peaceful. However I do think the way your thoughts are going do sound suicidal, which is really worrying. I think it's important to discuss this with your GP and a therapist.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

Can i also ask that if you also contact the samaritans if you need to.

[FireBat]

Emerging - I have had a very similar experience to yours (a long time ago).

I had a strong sense that I was being 'invited' to another world and I really wished I could take up that invitation without upsetting my family. I did try to talk about it and was a little bemused by the fact that talking about it made other people cry so much. I didn't feel depressed and I felt that going to this 'other world' would be a conscious choice. I certainly wasn't scared.

However, I was actually VERY ill. I was taking anti/depressants (for moderate depression) and I now know that the medication affected me very badly and I became suicidal as a result of this. The thoughts abs beliefs I was having were NOT REAL although I believed with all my heart that they were and that I had just tapped into something that most humans understand.

Please, please get help as soon as you can. You do not have to feel sad or scared to be suicidal. The fact that you worry about upsetting your family and friends shows that there is a part of you that knows this is not right. x

[Emerging]

I'm thinking I will get polar opposite replies depending on which direction I go in. Theres the mental health route (GP, psychologist, etc.), and then theres the spiritual route (not sure I know anyone relevant... other than google!). Perhaps I should pursue both.

[FireBat]

Sorry, I believed I had tapped into something that most humans do NOT understand - I missed a word there.

[FireBat]

Just to add - from a spiritual point of view, I'm not saying that what you are feeling is completely insane. But it really isn't your time. When you reach the end of your life (which hopefully will be a long & happy one) then maybe you have the same feeling of being invited somewhere welcoming. But the time is not now -deep down I think you know this abs that's why you are asking others about your feelings.

[Emerging]

Firebat Thank you! Yes, I'm so glad to read someone else's experience of this. Thats exactly what I was looking for.

However, I'm honestly in a state of total life contentment right now, not depressed at all (although I have been terribly in the past). Everything feels wonderful and good on a practical level, I've had close family around for the past few days, and its been very serene and uplifting.

Which is why this 'invite' came as such a surprise. It was like, 'You're kidding? You're asking me now? After all the times I would have gone gladly, you're asking me now, when I least want to leave?'

[OurPlanetNeptune]

Darling, I had a friend have similar experience a few years ago. Can I ask that you please, please please speak to your GP. Please.

[WilfSell]

'after all the times I would have gone gladly...' I'm afraid you sound a bit in denial. It's perfectly possible to feel 'above' everything and serene when you're in shock really. IT sounds like your major life event was a big issue and quite recent.

It MAY be simply a spiritual conversation you are having with yourself, but like others I urge you to check this out with a health professional, since your sense of a voice forming, even if not yet external and fully formed, is worrying. What's the risk of checking it out with someone who can ask you the right challenging questions rather than ones you might like to hear right now? If you're not developing psychotic symptoms, then you can go on to speak to a spiritual advisor. But if you are, then if things progress quickly you may lose your perspective and insight such that you're able to ask for help.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

Emerging, there is a spiritual section on this board, I think you'd get very much the same response. Rule out medical, spiritual experiences generally don't involve invitations to die.

I genuinely think your voice been happy with you seeing what others experiences are is you recognising that wanting to leave your family to go into the light isn't quite right, please see your gp.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

I've had some issues with anxiety and I've noticed that my symptoms will increase during a period of calm.

It sounds nothing like the scale of your experiences, but I do think some people run on pure adrenaline and a feeling of duty, when it all calms down and you catch your breath it starts to hit home as you relax and allow yourself to process.

[TheCountessOlenska]

What was the major life event out of interest? Even positive events can be stressful?

[MooncupGoddess]

The only time I've experienced anything like this was after a run of bereavements, when I started feeling as if the dead were calling me over to them. I knew it was in my own head, but it was still rather an uncanny experience, and although I didn't feel particularly unhappy at the time, looking back I was quite clearly not in my right mind.

Like other people here I would urge you to talk to someone about it - could your GP refer you to a nice counsellor?

[PropertyNightmare]

As, bless you, OP. You need to talk to your GP about what happened to you. It sounds like you might be in danger and you need some help to stay safe. If you are struggling to understand what you need to tell the doctor I would recommend printing off this thread and handing it to him/her. I really hope that you will do this xx

[Emerging]

TheCountessOlenska I just had a baby, much wanted, and very much loved. Wonderful DH and reconnected with a lot of family members.

Is one of the highest points of my life after what I would describe as a fairly tough time of things generally.

I do want to re-stress to everyone please not to worry that I am in any danger, as I absolutely am not going to do anything to myself. The worst I could do is say 'yes' to the invite, and then if it really is a delusion it can hardly do anything to my actual life can it?

The trouble is that the 'yes' feels very real. So real I can't actually say it without considering it as such. I am in absolutely no hurry though, and want to thoroughly think the thing through, and touch base with others. I do also want to put this experience out there for the sake of others who may have (or have had) it. I tried googling and can't find much of anything, so if this helps anyone else I'll be glad.

[PropertyNightmare]

Sweetheart, in your own words you are seriously considering and thinking through the possibility of ending your life . You describe yourself as a 'passenger' to the actual means. You really do need to speak to your GP. The fact that you do not realise this suggests strongly that you are in danger.

[TheLightPassenger]

I'm sorry but this is ringing major alarm bells, that you have v recently had a baby, and are experiencing such an altered mental state, I agree with other posters that you need to urgent discuss your thoughts/feelings with a doctor.