The history to this is that my mum and I have a long history of a volatile relationship - much, much better now I'm an adult but still difficult at times.
It stems mostly from her being emotionally unavailable or distant to me, which I have in the past interpreted as her not caring about me.
As a child and a teen I craved her attention, and a lot of our conflict was due to this. I felt rejected, and felt a great sense of frustration and unfairness.
These days I've learnt not to expect much, or for her to engage with me in the way I would like. I know that she cares about me really, I just find it hard still sometimes.
Some brief examples to give you an idea:
- she doesn't do small talk. She will talk passionately about a limited number of subjects which interest her, but no real interest in what's going on in my day to day life, whether I have good friendships or my thoughts on stuff. She is interested in my academic achievements, work life and house buying.
- when I came home at 15 and announced I had a boyfriend, my mum said "oh". I said "aren't you going to ask me anything?" She said "what am i supposed to ask?" This is typical - she doesn't seem to understand social things which others would take for granted
- I told my dad that I was pregnant again recently. I couldn't tell my mum as she was away, and she refuses to have a mobile. When she got back she didn't call to congratulate me. After 5 days I called her, wondering if my dad had not told her. She said she hadn't called as she'd been busy "catching up on stuff" (by this she means study for her PHD). She had no idea that I might find it upsetting. (I didn't tell her this time)
- her brother almost certainly has undiagnosed Aspergers. It's much more obvious in him. Other family members think so, including his dad and another family member who was a psychiatric social worker.
- she has few real friends, she doesn't really enjoy social events
- she has real problems understanding why I get upset at the lack of emotional closeness from her. I think she thinks I'm unstable and bonkers!
- she's a very high achiever and was very successful professionally
I've found being her daughter very difficult at times. It has been hard not to take it personally.
A RL friend suggested she might be on the spectrum, and some mumsnetters recently also said they though this could be the case. Also I read an article a while back which said that a study shows that siblings of people with aspergers often share some traits and it really rang a bell.
I have found it very comforting to understand that my mum's behaviour towards me may stem from a real condition, rather than simply that she doesn't care about me. I will find it much easier to make allowances for her in the future.
Do you think there is anything to be gained from sharing my thoughts with her?
If she is does she have a right to know? Or might she be terribly upset?
Is there any use to her in knowing this now? I would hope that it might help her in some way, and might help heal some of the old wounds in our relationship. But am I being naive? She's nearly 70. Very on the ball, and super smart. She is very well respected in her professional life. If she is on the spectrum she's very high functioning. I would think it's not obvious to people not close to her.
What would you do?
I would be very keen to hear from any Aspie mumsnetters, or relatives of people on the spectrum. Or anyone else with an opinion!
Did it help you to get a diagnosis? Would you have wanted someone to point it out to you?
Is there anything to be gained by telling my mum my thoughts?!
Wow, that was long! Thanks for reading.