Is this PND?

[rugbychick]

If this is a bit muddled, I apologise in advance. I have come to motherhood later in life. I'm 40, and have an 18 week old daughter. I never thought I'd ever have children...not met anyone, plus got PCOS. Anyway, I did meet someone, and got pregnant fairly easily.

I was diagnosed with depression in 2008, but had had it for a while before diagnosis. An amazing friend recognised the symptoms in me, having had depression herself. I've been on citalipram ever since, on various doses, and continued taking it during my pregnancy at a low dose.

I had an emergency caesarean, and a few issues afterwards, but all is fine now.

I'll get to the point now. I'm feeling very stressed, anxious, getting migraines ( which I always get when I'm stressed) and generally feeling like a bad mother. My daughter is sleeping thru the night yet. Usually she's asleep before 7pm, I feed her at 10pm, and she will wake at 3am for a feed, then awake between 5-6am. She can be quite grumpy, and I struggle to deal with her crying/screaming or whinging. I feel bad that I can't settle her. I also feel very guilty if I'm not engaging with her all the time. I do struggle to get her to have decent naps during the day.

My partner works nights and certainly does his bit. Also my parents live close by so I stay there a couple of nights every now and then as I break. I try to get out, and go to mother and baby groups.

I just find it so hard. I do have a great GP who I saw and we had increased my citalipram recently. But it's hard to get an appt with him as he's so popular.

Sorry this is so long. Please help oh wise MNetters

[rugbychick]

Bump

[loverofwine]

You could get an appointment with your Health Visitor. Although they are not experts they can help identify if you need more help and perhaps get you this.
PND takes many forms and can kick in days or months after birth. In my case I had loads of medical and practical support but it didn't stop the feelings of just not being able to cope and being a bad mother. CBT + drugs and time were really helpful in the recovery process.

Just remember that this too will pass and you will get through it.

[Conflugenglugen]

As someone who had PND, I would say that you do need some support, rugbychick. ADs can help, but they are most effective when coupled with some form of therapy. I found that the sooner I stopped beating myself up about being 'not good enough' and asked for help, the sooner I managed to work towards recovery.

If it is at all possible, have a look at how you are describing your newborn DD as "grumpy" and "whinging". As much as it is absolutely not your fault that you are depressed, she is also not at fault here, and her behaviour is probably normal for a newborn, i.e. a lot of crying, screaming. How you see her behaviour is probably more indicative of how you are feeling yourself, so asking for assistance will likely deal with your own feelings and your DD's perceived behaviour.

[rugbychick]

Thanks for the replies. I hadn't thought about seeing my daughters grumpiness and whinging as normal for a child of her age. I will certainly be seeing it more as normal, and more seeing it as part of struggling to cope with my feelings and depression. I will see my HV to discuss issues with her. I do find it very hard dealing with my daughter not bring happy. Don't get me wrong, she is delightful when she's happy and smiling.
Even as adults we are never 100% happy, but can express ourselves. A baby can't,

[Conflugenglugen]

Good on you for going to your HV, rugbychick, and don't take 'no' for an answer. Help is available and you deserve it.

Also, please remember that a crying or screaming baby does not = 'unhappy' in the adult sense of the word. It is simply that, at that moment, she is asking for something. Getting help will enable you to better tune into that and be able to give it to her. You don't have to be perfect; absolutely none of us is. I had PND for a year and my son and I have a very close relationship now (he's 5).