Will it ever get better?

[VeryEasilyDistracted]

Don't really know where to start or what I am asking but I just need to try and get some of this stuff down.

I have suffered with depression and extreme anxiety/panic for as long as I can remember. I have been on various antidepressants for varying lengths of time and have also had counselling at various points in my life. Currently I have not been on ads for over a year but do see an (excellent) counsellor.

I struggle to get through the days at my worst points and cannot recall ever feeling truly happy for any length of time/where I was not worrying about anything.

There are many, many things wrong in my life - job, housing, relationship/s with extended family, money worries, problems conceiving second child, friendships, I just don't know when it will end? Everything just feels like a struggle, with limited no support.

I try so hard to think positively if only for my beautiful dc, she is the light of my life and I have a wonderful DP who is the first man who has ever really "got" me...but we still have our ups and downs. I just feel so lonely, like I am not fulfilling my true potential, trapped in this life, waiting for it all to get better iyswim?

I am constantly comparing myself unfavourably to others and have very very dark thoughts about bad things happening to my dc, to the point where I cannot relax if she is being looked after by someone other than me (inc. DP). I feel guilt ALL the time, about everything.

I know that I need to make some changes but when I am in the grips of depression (it is always there at some level) I am paralysed. At work I clockwatch but its not like I fully enjoy my non working days either? I guess I feel very upset that I have no choice but to work, as in an ideal world I would be a sahm, although DP seems to think that if this was a possibility then I would be complaining at the lack of mental stimulation/slightfinancial independence etc...but I don't know if I fully agree - it is not as though my job is providing any sort of stimulation and I work alone mostly which just feeds the lonely feelings.

I am wondering whether I should go back on ads but we are ttc so this is probably not a good idea.

I just feel as though I spend my whole life pretending to people (aside from DP) that things are ok when they are so, so, not.

If you've got this far thanks for reading, I just needed to get all this out of my head.

[inmymind]

Hi I wish I could give you some of the answers but I am currently feeling very much as you do

Did you find Ad's made a difference? Alot of advice on here relates to mindfulness which is something I'm just starting to look into.

I'm trying to focus on and write down all the things that do bring me happiness and some days this is easier than others. I too suffer from the bleak and more often than not irrational thoughts. Not easy to work through x

[VeryEasilyDistracted]

Thanks inmmymind, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling similar to me :(

My counsellor has mentioned mindfulness to me but I am yet to look into it, perhaps I should.

I did find that ad's made a difference yes, I just felt a bit more level, not so up and down and rollercoastery. I do want to go back on them but I desperately want another dc too and wouldn't want to do anything to potentially jeopardise that.

Are you having any counselling/taking any ad's?

[inmymind]

No haven't tried Ad's yet Ive been more scared off the side effects tbh but I'm giving myself a month of the 'natural' methods and will then go back to GP

I know v.little about Ad's are there none that can be taken safely when ttc? I guess it's prob like all medication in conception/pregnancy none that they can safely recommend.

[VeryEasilyDistracted]

Well I hope the natural methods help you and that if not you get some good ad's...I am just going by advice from my GP from my last pregnancy, yes, they can't safely recommend any medication :( It's very annoying.

[amillionyears]

are you hoping that having another baby will make some other things come right?

[VeryEasilyDistracted]

amillionyears-yes, I am. I feel that my life will be moving more in the direction I would like it to if we are a family of 4. I would love my dd to have a sibling and I never imagined myself with one child, more like 2, or 3. I just want to love and cherish and nurture another child, and bring the dc up how I wish I had been bought up. On another level I know that I can justify leaving my current job if I have two children to look after...

[amillionyears]

i would go back to the GP,and tell him everything that you have said on here.
The medical situation as regards ADs and pregnancy may have changed or altered,or there may be new ADs now,or there may be new medical knowledge from even a year ago.
I dont personally know,but I would have thought it is worth finding out first.