Don't really know where to start or what I am asking but I just need to try and get some of this stuff down.
I have suffered with depression and extreme anxiety/panic for as long as I can remember. I have been on various antidepressants for varying lengths of time and have also had counselling at various points in my life. Currently I have not been on ads for over a year but do see an (excellent) counsellor.
I struggle to get through the days at my worst points and cannot recall ever feeling truly happy for any length of time/where I was not worrying about anything.
There are many, many things wrong in my life - job, housing, relationship/s with extended family, money worries, problems conceiving second child, friendships, I just don't know when it will end? Everything just feels like a struggle, with limited no support.
I try so hard to think positively if only for my beautiful dc, she is the light of my life and I have a wonderful DP who is the first man who has ever really "got" me...but we still have our ups and downs. I just feel so lonely, like I am not fulfilling my true potential, trapped in this life, waiting for it all to get better iyswim?
I am constantly comparing myself unfavourably to others and have very very dark thoughts about bad things happening to my dc, to the point where I cannot relax if she is being looked after by someone other than me (inc. DP). I feel guilt ALL the time, about everything.
I know that I need to make some changes but when I am in the grips of depression (it is always there at some level) I am paralysed. At work I clockwatch but its not like I fully enjoy my non working days either? I guess I feel very upset that I have no choice but to work, as in an ideal world I would be a sahm, although DP seems to think that if this was a possibility then I would be complaining at the lack of mental stimulation/slightfinancial independence etc...but I don't know if I fully agree - it is not as though my job is providing any sort of stimulation and I work alone mostly which just feeds the lonely feelings.
I am wondering whether I should go back on ads but we are ttc so this is probably not a good idea.
I just feel as though I spend my whole life pretending to people (aside from DP) that things are ok when they are so, so, not.
If you've got this far thanks for reading, I just needed to get all this out of my head.
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Mental health
Will it ever get better?
7 replies
VeryEasilyDistracted · 24/07/2012 11:41
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