What's wrong with me?

[bushymcbush]

I have no experience or knowledge of mental illness so I really could do with some guidance.

I hate myself. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror or to read anything I've written down. I can't imagine why anybody else would like me or want to spend time with me. I'm uber critical not only of myself but also of my dh and just recently, very grumpy with my 3yo dd - which makes me hate myself even more for being a bad mum.

I am 3stones overweight but have started slimming world recently. My weight is partly why I hate looking in the mirror.

I have a 4 month old baby who I adore but age is very clingy so I rarely get time to myself, plus the demands of my 3yo, who I also adore but seem to be shouting at her a lot lately. My recent pregnancy was very difficult - the baby had lots of problems in utero and then was born prematurely, so that was a very stressful time. (But she is absolutely fine now - I should be happy, no?) I also suffered quite severe SPD during the pregnancy and I still get quite a lot of pain and stiffness from that now.

My marriage isn't as solid as it should be. We have money worries (although we are in control of the situation at the moment). I do worry that our house is too small and not in the best situation for bringing up children. I would like to find a 'home for life' but our financial situation leaves us where we are.

My biggest issue with home life is DH's drinking - he is dependent on alcohol and cannot manage a single evening without a bottle of wine. This isn't a new situation, it's been ongoing for years.

I recently faced up to an unpleasant part of my past (sexually groomed as an adolescent) but I haven't made a big deal out of it. Haven't sought counselling.

I have lovely friends, beautiful children, a supportive family (none of whom live nearby) and I should be happy.

But I really don't like myself. I think I've always felt a bit like this - often comparing myself unfavourably to others for example - but recently I've felt much stronger, more frequent bouts of self-hatred.

I don't want to go to my GP.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Im no expert but it sounds like you maybe have PND.

I know you dont want to go to the GP but there really is no magic cure and your GP is the first place to get help.

Im sorry you are feeling this way. You have a lot to contend with. Maybe if you got help from the GP to deal with this you would find yourself in a stronger position to help your DH with his drinking.

Could you take baby and your 3yo out for a walk regularly? Start with short walks and build up a bit. It would help a lot with sorting your thoughts out and would tire your toddler out so you could give her a nap when you get back. Its a few small things which could really help. But your first move needs to be to the GP

[JennerOSity]

You have a lot of very understandable feelings going on!

Why do you not want to go to GP?

I have recently had depression and also didn't want to go, however I did and it has been very useful. I have a therapy session this afternoon actually. I am getting treatment through the NHS which would cost a fortune privately. It has been a very positive experience. :)

[bushymcbush]

Because I get the impression that they tend to throw pills at the problem. I don't want to take pills.

[bushymcbush]

And because to the outside world, I am strong, together, self assured, intelligent and self sufficient. Going to the gp feels like a public confession of weakness.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Asking for help is a sign of strength IMO and a lot of people will see it that way. Putting your hands up and admitting you cant do it all takes a lot of courage.

I can see why you wouldnt want to take pills, but there are different ways you can get help. Even just speaking to the GP for ten minutes would be such an offload. Noone will judge you. You have two small children who need all your attention, and you have to deal with your husbands drinking and the wider effect that has.

You have so much on your shoulders. Please dont feel like you have to keep it together all of the time! It doesnt make you weak. It makes you human.

[JennerOSity]

I had both those concerns. Pills were mentioned but my response that I wasn't interested was totally respected. I felt weak going but it is not weakness really to confront a problem and take steps to sort it out. :)

[NanaNina]

Here's someone else urging you to see the GP. I know you don't mean to but you are discounting all of us women who have to see the GP about mental illness sometimes. Yes I would describe myself as you do, until a major episode of depression landed me on a psych ward for 3 months, and stil not fully recovered.

You are trying to deal with so many unpleasant things at the moment and it's small wonder you are feeling as you do. Life with a young baby and 3 year old is never going to be easy, and it could be possible that you have PND, or it could be that you are just exhausted through lack of sleep and the other worries.

Have you tackled your DH about drinking to excess? If so what is his reaction - possibly it is anger, which people often use to cover up the guilt feelings. You say he cannot manage a night without alcohol, but you have to change the wording and say he will not manage a night without alcohol. What are the effects on your home life. You could go to AL Anon - I believe they help families who are affected by excessive drinking, as well as the drinker if he is prepared to go. Apart from being dangerous to drink this amount on a regular basis, it must be part of the money problem too?

You mention "sexual grooming" as an adolescent so am assuming it didn't go further than that, though I am by no means attempting to discount the effect of this, and any trauma in life can keep popping up and causing us unpleasant feelings, or even post traumatic stress.

One positive thing you are doing for yourself is going to Slimming World (they are very good) but to be honest I think you have other issues that should be prioritised.

You don't have to take pills, although I accept that GPs do tend to ask if you will take them (they were life savers for me) and I think it is so sad that so many women seem to think they are failures if they take ADs or any other drug for mental illness. This I think is because there is still sadly so much stigma attached to mental illness and given that it affects 1 in 4 people at some time throughout their life, there should be hope that the stigma is breaking down, but it isn't. People who feel failures for taking pills are I'm afraid perpetuating this notion that mentally ill people are mad.

YOu do need counselling about your past and the GP can possibly arrange this for you. I have had 20 sessions completely free on the NH which have been invaluable.

Stop trying to be super human, and accept that you are human like all of us and need help from time to time.

Don't mean any offence btw ......

[JennerOSity]

Well I attended my second-ever session of therapy today - accessed via a visit to my GP.

I have come away with some tools to use to try to counter the thought processes which have been dragging me down. I have tried to block these thoughts out; dismiss them; distract myself from them; none of my methods have helped.

So today my therapist person (she is lovely and I feel very comfortable talking to her - this from a person who hates talking about this sort of stuff) gave me some alternative tricks to try when I start to think the way I do when my own thoughts are not my friend. I am going to try them out tomorrow and hopefully it'll give me a way through this which I haven't tried.

Don't think I have an overnight cure here, but anything which is an improvement is worthwhile until I can 'fix' the whole problem.

:)

[bushymcbush]

JennerOSity I'm pleased you're getting positive results from the therapy.

I think maybe I would benefit from some counselling.

I have been to Al-Anon but it was difficult. It caused a massive rift between me and dh. Also, I can't take the children to a group so I can't go secretly.

The sexual grooming did come to it's inevitable conclusion actually - and it's only recently occurred to me that I was actually raped. That my first time was, in fact, rape. I have no one I feel able to talk to about this stuff. So yes, maybe counselling is the way.

My dad has been visiting us today, and he brought up the subject of my teen years, saying I put up a barrier which he and mum had no idea how to get through. I think the grooming really isolated me from my parents and I feel like our whole relationship was damaged. I think it changed the course of my life, actually. And I'm angry with my parents for not intervening - for noticing things weren't right with me but not doing anything about it. I don't remember them trying to do anything anyway. I just remember that I didn't feel close to them in those days.

God I'm blubbering like a baby as I write this. I think I have ishoos.

[bushymcbush]

I know you don't mean to but you are discounting all of us women who have to see the GP about mental illness sometimes.

Sorry. I knew this as I typed the word 'weakness' and I know it's wrong - it's just how I feel. I don't think people with mental illnesses are weak. I do think I am weak.

[NanaNina]

No need for apologies bushy - I did express myself a little too directly. One of the symptoms of depression is that we feel weak and helpless and think that there must be something we should be able to do to stop the symptoms that we are having. It's another trick mental illness plays on us. We don't feel like this with physical illness do we.

Can you say more about your dh's drinking. Why did you going to Al Anon cause such a rift between you...sorry if I am being too intrusive, but I sense that this is one of the major difficulties in your life. Does your dh have depression, as alcohol is a depressant after the brief period of euphoria. Do you know what's at the root of his alcohol abuse.

I'm so sorry that the "grooming" ended in you being raped as a young woman - that must have been terrible. I am assuming you didn't tell anyone or report the perpetrator to the police? It's a pity that you weren't able to tell your parents, and they are of course none the wiser now I assume. I think it is quite natural that you feel angry with your parents for not noticing, but do you think they had any idea what had happened to you - I would have thought not.

There is a website that you might find helpful called "Safeline" and it is for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. There is a helpline number and they offer free counselling. The mental health charity MIND also have information on this same issue.

I do hope however that you will see your GP - do you know of a good one in the practice, if so you could book a double appointment, as you have a lot of issues as you say.

I think you need to tackle the way you are feeling as a priority, and think about taking ADs if offered (they may not be) and then you can think about unravelling your past trauma, and please don't under estimate how this can affect you in the present, and there is no quick fix - it's probably better to aim for a position where the thoughts lose some of their power and are more manageable, so they don't drag you down too much.

Then there is the drinking.

You are already doing something about your weight, and this will make you feel better about yourself which is important. Slimming World is great (I have lost 2 stones in the past) but managed to put a stone back on, but it's so easy to follow and you can eat loads of food!

Take care of you as much as you can in amongst all these problems.

[JennerOSity]

Your problems are not small so although you have many things to also be thankful for it is totally understandable you aren't behaving like Mary Poppins on happy pills!

You have some genuine difficulties, any one of which would feel like enough to cope with on an ordinary day (clingy baby with 3yo), let alone in amongst the rest, combined with your capacity to be mentally resilient and cope reduced by your emotional scars from your awful experience.

I would definitely be tempted to rope in support from somewhere - you aren't made of granite you know! Everyone needs someone to lean on at times and this is certainly not weakness - I think the fact that you are still standing at all is a sign of great strength! Nananina has suggested a few good places to start and actually the relief you would feel talking to someone who has all the necessary experience and knowledge to really know where you are coming from would be huge!

You know how you feel at home with the friend who 'gets' you so that when you describe something happening, at work say, you don't have to 'over-explain' because they know your personality etc and there is almost a short-hand of communication.

Well talking to the right person is rather like that, and it is a relief as you don't have to feel like you should make excuses for your feelings on the matter etc.

And while you may well be mentally ill, in the way that being under great stress for extended periods can cause that, at the same time you aren't pathetic or weak because anyone in your shoes would be feeling at least as bad. So you are actually a cool, strong, sorted person, who is as much fun and lovely as the next, but who is affected by having been put under great duress!

If you knew someone who said their list of problems/stuff to deal with was:

1. Alcoholic husband
   
2. 3 year old child + 4mo baby
   
3. Physical pains from, as yet, unhealed SPD
   
4. Overweight
   
5. Recent stressful pregnancy and post-birth situation
   
6. Money worries
   
7. Prefer children to be living somewhere more children friendly (source of worry)
   
8. Past sexual exploitation
   
9. Damaged relationship with parents
   

And then this person said I am being a grumpy mum and have low self esteem... wouldn't you just give them a huge hug and say "well my lovely it is hardly any surprise it, lets see if we can help"

But then this person turned round and said, "well I have some nice friends and children, and my family are also nice though not living near me, so I should be A-OK and all tickety-boo shouldn't I! Aren't I crap and weak because this isn't the case?!"

Wouldn't you look at them askance and say - "good lord - you have quite enough on your plate and your self-assessment that you are failing because your blessings not being enough to make you happy is very unfair - with a list like yours, just getting dressed in the morning is an achievement"

Then you put the kettle on and have a cry and a laugh, and decide a plan to start reducing the heap of problems down to size.

[bushymcbush]

Thank you Nana and Jenner. I wondered if having got it off my chest on here yesterday, I might feel better today. I've certainly tried harder to be nice to my 3yo. But everything feels like such a gargantuan effort. I feel physically and mentally exhausted today - must be the heat, partly.

Haven't convinced myself to call the gp yet. I'm still hoping it will pass and there won't be any need.

[JennerOSity]

Don't call the GP then, speak to the ones Nana suggested, dip a toe in the water and go from there.

The effort is huge because you are trying to behave in ways which contradict how you feel and demand resources you are currently short of, like patience, which is just a sign you are mentally over-loaded.

you deserve to feel better, but it will be a lonely long road doing it alone, when you are not the first to be in this predicament and that is why the help is out there. Some really awesome people have come through this kind of thing and out the other side - you can be awesome too!