does anyone think I might have adult ADD? Just trying hard to work out what's really wrong

[breaktime73]

Hi all. I've got a diagnosis of bipolar type II which kind of fits and I think I have PMDD as well (yeah I am really a barrel of laughs...for half the month at least).

Recently however I've been thinking about some longstanding oddnesses of mine which cause a lot of trouble in my life but don't seem to be entirely attributable to the depression or PMS. I'll let you know the main symptoms, see what you think.

• constantly going into trances. Can suddenly stop doing whatever I am doing and stare out of window for 20 minutes or so losing all sense of time except for a general sort of anxious buzz. I always jump when interrupted by someone else.
  

• general chaos, as find it extremely hard to get the sense of time others have. I think I am on track to get where I need to go only to find that a mysterious 10 minutes have vanished and I am now late. This makes life a lot more stressful as I find that if I actually have to get anywhere eg to work or kids to school on time I have to leave an extra half an hour 'faffing time'. (I know this sounds normal but really it isn't. I just can never seem to coordinate all the small tasks that need to be done before leaving the house. I also get extremely stresssed and snappy doing it).
  

-general incredible level of absent-mindedness. Cannot seem to leave a room, house, car, with all important items- eg coat and bag, or coat bag and important folder. It's got to the level that I have to stop and do a sort of visual check every time I leave anywhere. People such as colleagues look at me as if I am crazy when I do this. Am constantly having important files returned to me by students and colleagues etc.

-If I am talking, I carry on far too much and tend to lose track of whatever else I need to be doing in the process. Eg (shameful) I walked out of a cafe the other day without paying because I was chatting to someone in there and forgot I hadn't had the bill. This kind of thing is quite common.

-trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling)- a relaly vile habit which ties in with my anxious trance states. I can stare into space for hours while a pile of hair gathers next to me (sorry to have to describe it! I know it's a vile habit). Bald patches on back of head as result of this :(. Not a good look.

-- am an academic but during periods of depression unable to produce much at all, and career suffering due to this. Recently have found that I can hardly read anything that requires concentrated attention, but which is not grabbing my personal interest- I try, but find I am zoning out within 30 seconds. My brain genuinely shuts down. It's something beyond boredom. This makes exam marking incredibly difficult. And yet if a book interests me, I'll devour it (I read Barbara Ehrenreich's Smile or Die in 2 hours this morning, for intstance).

--general problems with time. Can be aware at 11 am that today is Saturday but then lose track of what day it is, sequence of the week by 1pm. I can have a conversation with a friend about the party I am taking the kids to at 2pm, and then at 3.30 pm realise I forgot to take them. Feel lost in time an awful lot. It's a big effort for me to visualise the day's events ahead especially if they are oneoffs. I am constantly missing school events etc cos I don't digest the information properly. If an event becomes routine eg teaching a certain subject at 9 am Weds and Thurs that is fine, but I will just turn up anyway to an empty classroom if there is any sort of preannounced interruption to the usual timetable which everyone else picks up on.

On the whole I find I am constantly lost or discombobulated in this world. Head full of fog and big ideas which only occasionally make it on to paper. yet if something grabs my interest I will concentrate for hours and forget to eat etc.

Bloody hell that's long. If you've persisted, thankyou.

Am I just idiosyncratically bonkers, or does anyone think I should take my self-diagnosis to a GP and ask for a referral?

[Julialyne]

At first I thought you could be having peti mal seizures but I don't know if that ties in with your other symptoms. I would get checked out at the Drs maybe print off what you have written as it describes all that is going on well.

[breaktime73]

god Julialyne I've never heard of those- sounds horrible. I never fall over etc :D just lose myself iin time a lot

[madmouse]

Epilepsy is much more than falling over. Trance like states can be absence seizures, although 20mins is a bit long for it. It needs checking out though.

Your symptoms are too serious and many to self diagnose. Some sound like ADD, some don't.

[Arana]

Sounds like it.

I was recently diagnosed with adhd and it puts many things into perspective. Ritalin helps with some things (it's nice to be able to carry on a thought process for more than 15 seconds) but it's not the wonder pill I wish it was.

I have depression as well, which really exacerbates the adhd symptoms (depression makes the fogginess worse, anxiety makes the antsiness worse).

I'm not in the uk, and that made getting a diagnosis relatively straightforwards (i needed copies of my school reports). When I tried to get a diagnosis in the uk it was a thankless process that was ended by an incompetent mh nurse who figured I didn't have it because I was able to sit in a chair for 5 minutes and had never been sacked or arrested.

Good luck, the diagnosis and treatment has helped, and also given some perspective on other aspects I hadn't considered (hypersensitivity to touch and sound, paralysis relating to sex life etc).

Even if you don't get a diagnosis or treatment, theres a lot of self help stuff out there that's really good for setting up organisational systems.

[breaktime73]

Hi Arana. Thanks. I think I really need to access the self help stuff too.

Oddly, as you can tell maybe from the fact that I'm an academic I didn't really have evidence of this sort of condition at school- although I was always v absentminded, late, and a 'dreamer', I was top of class at most things, and very well behaved (passive/ in own head really, and pretty inhibited/shy), and I'm not sure if that's a contraindication or not. Although having ADD and depression don't have to mean you are not bright, of course!

Antidepressants don't really work for me, and mood stabilisers definitely don't, which is why I think the bipolar might be a misdiagnosis.

But you're right, I cannot see the underfunded NHS wanting to give me a diagnosis, although psychiatrists (those that have bothered to see me in recent years) did note that my symptoms were 'confusing' and worrying.

I have found a definite falling-off in my abilities recently, with writing anything being an effort, and depression and fogginess getting worse, especially due to stress of a divorce and single parenthood.

This makes me feel I am finished in terms of career as well as everything else, and I get more depressed and thus foggy and panicky. Lovely downward spiral.

The trances are freaking me out more than anything and the other day I caught myself driving through a red light :( absolutely dreadful and thank god there was no other traffic and kids were not in car :((((

[breaktime73]

hmm yes hypersensitivity to touch and sudden noises- I am notorious for jumping 3 feet in the air at sudden noises and sometimes cannot bear to be touched. I had sexual paralysis for years but that might just have been my bad marriage :D with current partner it is no longer a problem

[breaktime73]

Arana, may I ask if you are able to concentrate fully and heavily on things that interest you? eg a great book or topic you're passionate about? Cos I think that this is why people including my ex husband and employers :D think I am putting a lot of this on. As I can devour books in a matter of hours etc.

I am not sure what to think about this as I did hear that ADD people are sometimes able to focus, but the focus can be quite extreme and obsessive. When I am 'into' something I get almost completely unable to snap out of it to point of missing meals and getting snappy if interrupted. Like a concentration trance.

[madmouse]

I'm sorry but if you drive through the red light in a trance you have to a) review your suitability to drive (yes glad your kids were not in the car, but there could have been kids in a car coming the opposite way) and b) step away from self help books and get properly examined medically possibly including blood tests and an EEG.

[Arana]

I'm able to concentrate marvellously on things I'm interested in, and like you I devour books. The problems arise due to the fact that although I enjoy my job and my career, I find lots of other things far more engaging, whether it's the history of the Mongol empire or Fermat's last theorem. Obviously if these became my focus day in, day out then I would lose interest.

For a while I thought I might have rapid cycling bipolar, but I think the symptoms I have are due to the combination of the depression and the adhd. I never considered myself to be hyperactive, but like you described, when I get fired up, I get quite obsessive. I also do some pretty ridiculous impulsive things.

You also have to remember that these things are on a spectrum. That doesn't necessarily mean a linear sliding scale one, but a multi dimensional one that takes into account things like hormones, bloody mindedness, childhood experiences etc.

Realistically, I can't see you having much joy with the nhs. I'd recommend going private if you can.

[breaktime73]

Sigh, madmouse, that is EXACTLY what I am doing, and I refuse to drive until I am checked out.

i haven't been reading any self help books. Your point is?

Re. your other rather odd little point about 'kids coming the opposite way'- what exactly is your dig about there? Should I have 'known' that a nutter like me wasn't suitable to drive? Although i often feel ill, nothing like that has ever happened to me before. And as I'm not a kid, if I drive alone and just kill myself, or other adults, is that OK? Or better somehow?

Just because I a. get ill b. express concern for my own children without selflessly flagellating myself for the danger I represent to all the children of the world, i do not deserve your Daily Mail wisdom.

Sorry, but kneejerk mumsnetters like you are enough to wind up even a worthless nutcase like me. I've remembered why i gave up coming here a few months ago.

Please suspend your judgements for once. Whether the NHS will actually check me out or just dismiss me as fatigued/depressed is another matter. I'd be very surprised if they share your concern for the little children of the world; us nutters are usually told to sod off and get on with it.

Oh and by the way, I bet you'd be the first to condemn me for losing my job and living off the state because I cannot get to work. It took me 3 hours to get here on the train this morning. But as nutters are a burden to the taxpayer i guess I'd better suck it up eh.

[breaktime73]

by the way, if you ever suddenly get ill and do something dangerous (and don't say you'd never get in a car in a dangerous state; I bet you drove when sleep deprived from having newborns), I hope your family and friends give you something a bit more pleasant than your own homespun 'wisdom'.

[breaktime73]

oh, and another point. i've been seeking help for my condition for 15 YEARS. And guess what: no one actually gives a shit because I hold down a job, look after two very nice well adjusted children and am not addicted to anything.

All I've had is a 6 week course of CBT, lots of antidepressants and mood stabilisers (which may be part of the problem... but who the fuck cares eh?). This is during 15 years of documented severe depression with pretty constant suicidal ideation adn recently the dissociative episodes which are getting more frequent and meaning I am unable to carry out normal daily tasks such as driving.

I was offered a blood test once for thyroid dysfunction which came up negative.

And then I get ripped into here for being 'irresponsible'. No, I've just basically been left to slowly go nuts and deteriorate. And I can't afford to go private or give my job and thus withdraw from presenting the terrible danger to society which I obviously do; I'm divorced and solely responsible for myself.

[Arana]

Hey Break, Madmouse was just trying to help. I've known her a long time on here and not once has there been judgement in her comments. She said what she did because she cares.

If you search my posts you'll see that there's more shit in my background than the posts above.

The only reason I got treatment is because I was in another country that has a different medical system to the NHS, and because I ended up in hospital. My self harm and hair's breadth of a suicide attempt weren't intended as a cry for help, but they got me the help I needed. Like you say, people assume that if you can hold down a job and a marriage that you're sane and coping. They don't see how near or far the edge is, or how precipitous the drop is.

What do you actually want? Is what you want possible? (All I want is a fucking magic pill that makes me normal, but it doesn't exist. Oh, and someone to do for me all the things I can't do for myself without requiring anything in return.). Do you want counselling/therapy? Do you want a medical treatment that works? Do you want someone in authority to validate your feelings?

You're angry, I know. I am too. It doesn't make it better though.

I wish I could say something helpful, but I can't, and I don't think there's anything I could say that would be what you need.

[Latara]

Break - you sound quite responsible & sensible to me! It's difficult to try to live life as 'normally' as you can when you have serious Mental Health problems.

It's likely that your diagnosis is correct but i recommend asking your Psychiatrist how they got the diagnosis & why they feel it is correct - i annoyed my Psychiatrist recently by doing just that! It helps to understand WHY you have a certain diagnosis.
Sometimes if DRs know you are academic then they may assume that you have more knowledge about your illness than you actually do.
Or they may just expect that as a patient you will listen to their diagnosis & accept it without question.

There are many different categories of Mood Stabilisers & Anti-Depressants. And within each category of drugs there are a variety of different medications available.
I recommend asking your Psychiatrist AND a Pharmacist for a medication review: Get them to check whether your meds interract with each other; how your renal function affects the way your meds are absorbed; what foods & drinks you should avoid AND when you should take the meds... all these things can be the difference between inefffective meds & effective meds.
Plus don't forget that it can take over 12 weeks for any medication to make a change to your mental health.

Ask your Psychiatrist to refer you for Psychotherapy with a proper Psychologist - who can assess what type of therapy will suit you best.

The fact is you are clearly very intelligent in an academic way so you are naturally going to read books quickly, & to be honest get bored very quickly in certain environments...
If you get hypomanic then that probably means that you thrive on excitement & i'd think would find it frustrating when nothing 'exciting' is happening.
That frustration can make you depressed... then suicidal possibly... & dissociative episodes can result from depression also as they are a way for the brain to subconsciously 'escape' from the routine reality of life.

I have Borderline & depression, I'm quite intelligent (but nowhere near as clever academically as you I think!) - & i hate to sound like a teenager but OMG i get bored so so easily!!!
When i'm bored / depressed / anxious etc then i do get suicidal & self-harm; i also get psychosis / dissociative symptoms.

Find strategies to fight the boredom.
I manage to work part time in with the public in an interesting job so that helps a LOT.
Even if I do drive my managers mad (haha) at times; as i find it very hard to concentrate on tasks - but i do try my best.
Make sure you have plans for new books to study / your social life or just something to look forward to each day.

Good luck; you sound like an interesting person anyway so don't beat yourself up too much over not being 'Ms Normal'! (I've learnt to accept myself as i am but it's not easy admittedly). x

[Latara]

Forgot to say - i don't think it sounds like Epilepsy tbh (which i have - & i do find that the mental health & epilepsy symptoms can be similar at times!).

However - it's sensible to get checked out for that anyway; your GP can send you for an EEG i think? (I see a Neurologist who sends me for EEGs). These do show if you have Epilepsy BUT if you take Mood Stabilisers that have a dual function as Anti-Convulsants then i'm not sure how that affects the results - I think that DRs allow for that.

[madmouse]

breaktime thanks for the judgmentalism. I have nothing further to say.

[madmouse]

If you would ever want to know something about my back story you are welcome to ask by the way.

[adelicatequestion]

breaktime

I really get your frustration, but taking it out on someone who is tryin to help is not useful.

I too have been getting help for teh last 15 years - most of it ineffective until the last couple of years. I was angry, frustrated, wouldn't accept help. On the surface I was a confident, business owner, intelligent, lovely family and husband.

On my own and internally I was a child crying out for someone to help me make sense of things.

I saw a brilliant psychiatrist who specialises in trauma and started to talk about child abuse issues (not saying this is relevant to you, just what happened to me), which did lead to a pandoras box of other childhood stuff. I too would daydream for hours, not achieving anything even though there were important things to do, I wouldn;t do them.

Through private therapy, I got the help I needed but it took quite a few before I found specialist trauma therapists.

I have to say madmouse helped me through the whole process and continues to. I think you have vented a lot of anger on her that she doesn;t deserve at all.

I understand you can;t see a way out at teh moment - i was exactly the same, but it is possible to come through it, you just have to find the right people to help and if you are in a position to pay privately it is well worth the money.

Hope this doesn;t make you feel bad again.

[devilinside]

Have you considered asd? - I have many of your issues. Very embarrassing but I went running back into school yesterday demanding to know where my son's lunchbox was (I was carrying at the time ) Things like that always happen to me particularly when I am overwhelmed or stressed.

I also zone out (my gym instructor asked if I was ok this morning, during one of my trances)

I thought I had add for years, I also thought my son had ADHD, but he has just been diagnosed with asd. The more I read up on it, the more I realise my issues probably stem from being on the spectrum. I am trying to get a referral at the moment, but my GP seems hellbent on diagnosing me with depression.

[breaktime73]

I am very sorry madmouse. I am not in control of myself at the moment, or my reactions. That is a reason but not an excuse. I think that we can probably add 'paranoid' to my list of vices/malfunctions....

When I feel attacked, as I frequently do, I sometimes go literally crazy with anger and hurt, and it usually ends in wanting to kill myself. I feel a repulsive and out of control person, whom no one gives a shit about except when I cause them trouble.

Like a lot of people on here I have a complicated backstory (and yes madmouse I would be interested to hear yours).

My marriage was ended by a lot of bizarre, promiscuous and downright awful behaviour three years ago. Not surprisingly I lost full custody of my sons, and as a result I lost my job, as it was too far away to keep up under shared residence conditions. I found another one a little nearer but it's still 90 minutes commute away and I get exhausted.

I didn't love my ex husband but that is no excuse for what I did to him. He hates and even fears me now (to be fair to me, his reaction has been pretty prejudicial- i.e. I am mad and he does not want to be 'sucked in' by me; he didn't bring the kids to see me when I was in respite for a suicide attempt. Etc. I am now just his Mad Ex and he is very controlling and possessive about the boys.)

They have all just gone off to his mother's for the jubilee weekend. The little one was shouting 'daddy daddy daddy' when he came in the taxi to take them to the station, he doesn't do that for his grumpy mad mummy of course :( The eldest is a little more restrained but I think they both prefer their dad as hee is normal and happy.

I have been crying since they left, I just can't bring myself to leave the house today. Everything seems pointless and I just want so much to die. The only thing that stops me is that I know it would hurt the kids terribly and they need me even if I am crap.

I loathe myself and this person I have become. I don't know if you've read that book by Sophie Hannah with the motto that when you go through a big trauma one half of yourself, the better half, dies, and 'The Other Half Lives'. I identify a lot with that. It's as if with the end of my family, I died and only the bad parts of me survived and have to go on. I long to get cancer or something because then I could die and no one would blame me.

I tell doctors these things and I get another course of CBT, no one gives a shit. I would probably try harder to kill myself, but I am a coward and no good with pain.

Thank you to everyone who has responded and madmouse, my apologies again.

[Latara]

Don't try to kill yourself - i know a brother & sister (both in their 30s) whose mother was schizophrenic; she killed herself when they were both far too young to understand why; so they still partly blame themselves.

Also children often go through stages of favouring one parent over the other - often Dads are preferred because it's usually Mum who dishes out the discipline! When they are older they will appreciate you being there for them during the difficult teenage years - whether or not you have full custody.
Children also (unthinkingly) take Mums for granted - but that doesn't mean that they dislike you; it just means that they don't feel the need to make a fuss around you because they feel secure that you will always be there.

You are not mad or bad - just emotional.
When you don't have full custody of your children then it's completely normal to cry, be upset & feel depressed.
Just try not to let those negative emotions overtake you - have a sleep or 'rest period' then make simple plans for the rest of the weekend. Do phone your local Crisis Team or even Samaritans if you need to talk - don't do what i do & think 'i'm not worth it' - YOU are worth it & anyway talking to people who feel depressed is their job :)

[madmouse]

Don't worry about it break

Feeling a bad mum and thinking the kids prefer dad and who can blame them is typical of depression.

[Latara]

Breaktime - you sound like a Mum who loves your children very much; deeply & unconditionally. That in itself makes you a very good Mum.
So you get grumpy with your kids? That's normal for all Mums; unless you are Mary Poppins (who doesn't actually exist!).
Sometimes children can sense your insecurities (especially with divorced parents) so they will push boundaries & can be very manipulative - they are too young to understand yet that it's wrong to manipulate their parents; all they understand is the rewards that it brings (for example; extra fuss & presents from either parent).
You aren't a 'bad' mother if you have to tell your children off & they then act upset with you.
When you have MH problems it's very easy to read the actions or words of others as proof that they are 'rejecting' you, 'hate' you or 'prefer' another person. Try not to over-analyse or second-guess everything your children say or do (because that's where madness lies).
Just tell yourself the truth - they love you & they know you love them; they feel secure in your love so they don't feel the need to show they are excited when they see you.

We all have good & bad points - but it's too easy to focus on your own bad points.
Try listing your good points - you will get stuck at first because it's so difficult to do when you are used to putting yourself down all the time.
Your posts show that you are intelligent, thoughtful, & caring. Those are very good qualities to have & your children will absorb those good qualities from you.
Take care of yourself xx