Am I delusional?

[Arana]

I know I post too much random shit and drivel on this board, and I apologise.

I'm really really struggling today, with everything. I started writing it down (which usually helps) and I just didn't stop

A lot of what I wrote scares me. I don't know if I'm delusional or what, but I can't go on.

I've typed up exactly what I wrote. I'm sorry if it makes no sense, and apologies for it being mindless self-absorbed pretentious drivel.

I don't know what I want. Maybe just empathy?

Anyway, here goes.

I am seething, I can?t explain why. I have this sensation of a gyroscope on the verge of spinning out of control.
I feel like there?s a super thin membrane containing me, and if I lose it, that?s it, I?ll explode. It?s almost like there?s someone else waiting to take over and run riot, rampage.
I want to scream and shout, to throw myself through windows and walls, to fall, to hurt myself, to hurt anyone or anything around me.
I feel rage ? directionless, meaningless rage. I want to attack, but I want to be attacked. I want to be beaten to a pulp for what I am ? a fraud. Unworthy. A mess.
And I don?t know why.
I almost feel high, like a sense of heightened awareness, a sense of invulnerability.
I feel like throwing myself off a building, or shooting myself; not because I want to die, but because I can.
I can?t focus on work at all. I can?t even look at the computer. I can?t look anyone in the eye. I can?t go on living this way. Nothing seems real; I look at myself and don?t see anything familiar. I don?t recognise this person whose body I inhabit. When I think or see the flaws it seems more familiar. The scars, the stretch marks, the thread veins, the ugly face, the freckles. How I hate the freckles. Irregular. Ugly. I can?t even look at pictures of Lee, Ben and Keira because I feel guilty for letting them down.
I just want to be normal. I want to be able to do the things other people can do, without it being such a struggle. I look around me, and everyone else is working away. What is it that they?ve got that I haven?t? How do they do it? How come every day is a bad day for me? I can?t go on like this.
I have these twin enemies of ADHD and depression dragging me down. When I have a handle on one, and I think I?m getting somewhere, the other rears its ugly head. It?s like they?re conspiring against me, like they?re malicious entities intent on my destruction.
I can?t fail. I?m not permitted to fail; not to mention that if I do, all hope is lost, and I might as well not be here anyway. A downward spiral will be set off, even greater than what is happening now, and I genuinely have to hold it together. I have to keep going. If I look back I am lost.
None of this however, is enough to kick start me out of this paralysis. All I can do is be self indulgent and think about myself and my inadequacies.
My impulsivity is phenomenal at the moment. I want to be reckless, I want to drive fast, I want to do something dangerous.
The image I project and the person inside, they feel like two different people. Most people who meet me wouldn?t think I was a totally fucked up psycho. When I?m alone, I?m very different to my projected persona.
Occasionally the mask comes close to slipping. I punched a wall today on Queen Street. Plenty of people must have seen it, but it happened so quickly and I didn?t do anything else that I guess everyone pretended they didn?t see it. People don?t see what they don?t want to see. People don?t want to think their perfect worlds are fucked up and broken.
I have become one of those ranting lunatics that writes utter bullshit, filled with a sense of pretentiousness and superiority. I?m nothing, a first world problem.
I can?t believe I?m still sat at my desk writing this drivel, I can?t face doing anything else. And I think I?m enjoying wallowing in this mire of self pity and self loathing. I can?t face real life just yet. For now I?m going to pretend I have no responsibilities, that I?m bound by no rules, that I?m free.
I think as well, that part of the rational me knows I need to get this out of my system. This is real right now, what I?m feeling, what I?m thinking, what I?ve written about here. I know when I get back to normal I?ll pretend it never happened ? my logic and rationality won?t allow it to be part of my personality. I need to record it, because I can?t entertain the belief that I actually think like this when I?m normal.
Is it all in my head though? Am I just being a drama queen vying for attention? What do I want? Escape. The two parts of me want to be separated. One from the other. They do not want to co-exist. They?re like resentful siblings being forced to share space.
I think I?ve been reading too many fantasy books. I don?t have anything inside me, I?m not two people, I?m just fucked up.
I want someone to read this, give me a magic pill and fix me.
Make me normal.
Happy.
Relaxed.
Peaceful.
Content.
I wish it were possible.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Oh Arana! You sound like you want someone to hold the hand of the you behind the mask...? Can you call the Samaritans for a good cry/natter?

[Arana]

I can't talk about it, that's the thing. I just can't.

I feel better now I've got it all down. Empty, but better.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Well, good :) at least there's always mn! I hope you can have a recovery day today.

[Arana]

Can anyone else cast any light on what might be going on with my head?

[Yourefired]

Hello, are you getting support in RL? Please strongly consider it, there is no need to feel this way, there is always a way of making things easier. You specifically asked about what is going on in you head. This is not an easy thing to answer here. Again I beseech you to go to your available services, start with the GP. Try and get some sleep. I know it's difficult when your mind is all over the place. Think of it this way. Give yourself permission to have time out from these thoughts for tonight. You can start again tomorrow with this. But for now you are on a break. Get some rest.

[Ponybaloney]

You don't sound delusional, you sound very angry.