BiPolar DP, battling depression, stepkids, no fucking money - losing the plot.

[LosingItRapidly]

If anyone can give me some help and advice, I'd be so so grateful. I feel like I'm falling apart in every direction. Sorry, this is long. (I am a regular, have namechanged.)

DP is bipolar and can't handle the stress when we row. I can't cope with not being able to express my feelings when I'm angry or upset. He is utterly useless with money, to the point where I have budgeted us down to the last 5p and he still spends without thinking ('it's only £15' etc) and consistently fails to give up smoking. He says he goes really insane without fags. He doesn't drink, and takes his meds religiously.

I am constantly on the brink of depression, which is getting worse. I really don't want to go back onto ADs if I can help it, so any advice there would be great. I know I should exercise and eat better, for a start. And drink water. I can give myself the advice, but I can't follow it ...

Every two weeks his kids come to stay for the weekend and the whole house descends into chaos. He doesn't want to do much with them, resents 'planned' outings, and although they play with my two (similar ages) it all gets out of hand - noisy, chaotic - and DP ends up retreating because he can't take it. I end up feeling like the one who does all the nagging, I'm the wicked stepmother who spoils all the fun. I hate myself when I get cross with them but I can't cope with the chaos either. All the rules and routines I have with my two during the week go out of the window, and I just feel like I'm losing hold of structure and sanity.

This weekend we've had a row about money and not spoken for most of the time. I just want to cry, I seem to say and do the wrong thing at every turn and hate myself for being such a downer on everyone. I can't talk to DP about it because he seems incapable of having an adult conversation about any of this - he looks like a wounded child who's been accused of something that's not his fault, and doesn't seem able to accept any responsibility. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't tell what's right or wrong in any of these arguments any more. I have fuck-all self-esteem so I'm worried that when I do stand up for myself, I've probably got it wrong. What a fucking mess. We were so bloody happy when we got together.

[SecondhandRose]

Samaritans, please ring them just for a bloody long chat. That is what they are for.

[PignutSalamander]

big hugs. this is not the first time on mumsnet i have wanted to come and give some one a big cuddle. I feel for you, when you said about not knowing if your standing up for yourself over the wrong things and being lost in whats right or wrong. It's a struggle when you are so deep in to be able to see anythign clearly.

First things first you need to be thinking as clearly as possible and be calm. I don't know if your kids are school age and what time you have in the day, but go out to the park where ever, out of your house and all the built up tensions. Work through the things that your angry about, let yourself be angry, the kids aren't watching, your not going to offend him, sod reasonable be angry till your tired of being angry.

At this point your probably feeling somewhat empty so start to think about the good things, about yourself, your partner and your kids (This can be hard when your depressed but one each will do.) Smile force it if necessary just to remind your face what it feels like! Think about your kids acheivements, their first giggles.
This may sound silly but it's important to break the behaivour pattern of depression so you can start to operate on a happier level.
Pick one or two things that are the most important things, you think you / he can realistically change.
Go home, smile at him, do something nice together, whatever you both enjoy.

Pick a time and place to talk to him that is non confrontaional, tell him that he is making you unhappy, tell him what and why, ask him to suggest resoultions that he feels work for him and that he can realistically stick to.

When someone is mentally ill it is sometimes necessary to make allowances for their behaviour. Do not take this to mean that he can always use that as an excuse to get out of anything he does not feel like doing. We all find things a bit much sometimes but it doesn't get better if you hide away sometimes you have to make your self face the world. It is incredibly difficult to be certain when to give someone the little push they may need and when to help them hide, you will have to make that decision for yourself each time. I would say that hiding should not be permanent. Ok if he needs out of a situation to calm down and get his bearing but after that he has to come back and carry n not just stay away.

In deciding when to stand up for yourself here is something I learned from consenus decision making, do not block a consensus decision of the group unless you are willing to leave the group over the issue.
So is the issue you are thinking of raising with him so important that if not resolved you would no longer wish to continue the relationship. If so you had bloody well better sort it out come hell or high water, if not maybe you can work round it.

With regards to the refusal to make plans, this is what i do. Make plans anyway. Tell him about them, where possible leave the option open for him to come or otherwise, let him know when he has to decide by and leave him to it if he misses out thats his worse luck. You will probably find that he ends up coming along and enjoying it but don't let it stop you if he doesn't

Step kids are a difficult area that I don't have much experience of but i would like to say that kids cooped up in the house (especially a house they don't neccesarily feel 100% at home in) are likely to misbehave. Step kids are more likely to boundary test you. Arrange to take them out with or without your partner. Do it at the begining of the weekend so that you have apositive experience shared to start the weekend with and you are not tempted to take it away for bad behaviour (or resent doing it after bad behaviour) Try to have something that you go out and do each weekend, from what you say money is tight, there will be free thhings in your area, Istrongly reccommend a local country park or nature reserve (a bit of space for them to run off steam) It's summer there are lots of berries and things growing, look up what is in season and take them to get some.

this has already been quite long so i shall keep these last points very short.

Don't carry on about him giving up smoking,( i smoked for 11 years, i stopped a year and a half ago)it won't make him quit, it will just make him want a cigarette!

Sometimes it's ok to lose structure and sanity, if you have it most of the time your doing well!

This may or may not be the best advice for you but i feel obliged to include it. Many weekend dads don't seem to bother with the kids when they come for the weekend. I can't understand it personally but i do know the only way they will notice that something needs done is if you stop doing it!!!!! You will almost certainly be unable to do this when you are there so don't be. Get a weekend away, stay with a friend, your mother, someone. Let him realise how much you do by not doing it. plus a bit of missing each other never did a relationship any harm!

Most importantly, make a little bit of time for your self, the rest of the world will still spin, you may have to pick up the peices later but it will be worth it. Lock yourself in the bathroom if neccessary, just find ten minutes in the day to call your own. Paint your nails, apply moisturiser, read a book, massage your face (no really, try it!) do something that makes you feel good.

[LosingItRapidly]

Pignut, thank you so so much for your incredibly detailed and thoughtful reply. I have only just seen it and am on my way to bed now, so there isn't time to reply properly as I'm about to collapse with tiredness. But I didn't want to go without saying how much your response is appreciated.

We have talked this evening and things are a lot better. Lots more work to be done though - but I am feeling much happier. It's a daily thing, moods change all the time for both of us, but at the moment we're able to communicate well. We do both love each other hugely, and that is always the bottom line. I don't think either of us would ever let things get so bad that we has to 'leave the group'.

Thanks again. Will respond more fully tomorrow (though this isn't exactly short, having said I was just posting briefly)

[Lucelulu]

Try bpso (subscriber mailing list) for online living with bipolar partner support - can be a real lifeline. Take care

[LosingItRapidly]

Thanks, Luce.

I've been looking at some of the bipolar support websites and frankly, they are quite alarming. I think I must be quite lucky, as my DP seems relatively stable compared to some people's partners - he never gets angry, and most of the time is calm and good-humoured, with occasional 'down' phases.

What gets me concerned and unhappy is the irresponsibility, particularly about money. I won't go into details but recently there have been several events that have had serious financial consequences for all of us. I feel like we're lurching from one crisis to the next, and constantly feel uneasy, worrying about what he's not telling me or what's going to drop through the letterbox. I could 'take over' and run all the finances myself, but that feels demeaning to him and I don't want to be his mother ...

I am going to try to do some of the things that Pignut suggested today. You are so right, especially about the kids, and boundaries, and just getting on with it. I think I go into a sort of suspension every weekend when they're here, as if part of me is hoping that it will miraculously get better. I'm torn between wanting them all to have a good time and enjoy being here, and feeling furious that I'm being taken advantage of. I can't discipline them as they're not my kids, and DP doesn't want to get tough with them either. We need to establish boundaries and guidelines - like don't get up at 7am on Sunday morning and crash around the house like it's an obstacle course!

I should probably have posted some of this in Relationships, but it's all tied up with the bipolar.

Thank god for this place. Thanks for all your support.

[springydaffs]

this stood out for me: All the rules and routines I have with my two during the week go out of the window, and I just feel like I'm losing hold of structure

why is that? why do all the rules and routines go out of the window? You say that you go into a sort of suspension and want them to have a good time... but it isn't working, is it? They can still have a good time - I'd argue a better time - if things ran like clockwork. Yes you can discipline them even if they're not your kids - not easy of course but imo it's essential that boundaries are in place so you all have a good time. No point you being run ragged and resenting them when the boundaries aren't there so of course they'll run wild. Star charts?? Do you have a relationship with their mum so you could talk some things through with her?

I always think that planning beforehand is the lifesaver re: you know everything goes tits up when the step kids stay, so get out a magnifying glass, work out what you're doing that allows the whole thing to slide away from you and descend into chaos. Then PLAN. Many's a time we arrived somewhere and my kids went wild in a nanosecond and I realised I had forgotten to programme them for the event . It's too late once the event is underway because then you're just firefighting, which is exhausting.

I'm not saying you should programme your kids but to get a plan up together, essentially to ensure that the rules and routines stay on track. That's one down, at least, before you tackle the other issues.

Is there a particular reason why you don't want to go back on ADs? If you really don't want to go back on ADs then you could try St John's Wort (and eg Kalms) to get yourself on an even keel. I find both very effective indeed; though I think ADs are wonderful at the right time. I wouldn't battle through eg diabetes without the right meds and I'm not going to battle through stress/depression without the right meds either.

I do think you could do with a counsellor to at least have a space where you can offload to your heart's content. Google BACP to get a list of counsellors in your area and, as money is an issue, ask them for a reduced rate (they won't be offended); or many womens orgs offer counselling at a very reduced rate eg £5ph (or what you can afford). You've got a lot on your plate and you need to push the world aside and carve out support for yourself. If you get yourself shored up and buttressed you can more easily face the task/s in hand eg the effects of DP's MH.

women eh, we're unsung heroes imo. Well done OP, you sound like a fab gal

[LosingItRapidly]

Sorry I haven't come back sooner. Springy, thanks for your fab post and advice. It is spot on. I have pathetically low self esteem so constantly question what I'm doing and have trouble asserting myself - even with kids. Mine are ok because we have established routines and boundaries. I think I need to get firmer about these being general 'house rules'.

DP's kids are coming again this weekend. I'm doing a load of cooking today so that I can just get stuff out of the fridge, and am going to map out the weekend with DP tonight. There's a fair on locally, and I want to go and see the bluebells which are stunning round here. That'll get us out of the house and active. And I'm going to be clear about bedtimes and getting up times.

Wish me luck

[Showtime]

Wishing you luck, and hoping you can find out why your DP keeps wrecking your finances, along with allowing his children to stress you out on every visit. A counseller is a really excellent idea and would help with self-esteem.