Feeling invisible to my depressed husband - anyone else?

[ScarlettOHorror]

I love my husband very much, we are close (when things are ok) and I would never leave him. He has been depressed for years, has tried different meds and CBT to little effect, and I always have to insist he does something about it when he starts to go downhill. His way of saying "fuck you" to the world in general is to do nothing about the depression and just battle on resentfully, almost enjoying his misery. Please don't flame me for this, I know no-one wants to be depressed.

I have always supported him and helped him but lately I am beginning to realise that I am almost invisible to him. He never ever asks me about my day, or about work or things I am doing. When I have asked him about this he says that I am strong and he knows I can cope with whatever life throws at me. I feel as if I could be living a secret life and he wouldn't notice. He's not very talkative and when he's low he won't speak at all.

I know he does love me, very much. He pays attention to the kids, who he obviously sees as needing him more, but most evenings the bloody cat gets more attention than I do. How can I get him to be more interested in me? I am a person with feelings too, but his lack of interest in me just leaves me feeling lonely.

[madmouse]

Your first paragraph really could have been written by me when dh was depressed. He did exactly that.

Dh also concentrated what energy he had on being a normal, strong, fun, game-playing dad for ds and he did a fantastic job. It did mean there was not much left for me. I was ill too, with PTSD, and had to get my support from friends.

The 'he says that I am strong' bit translates as 'I need you to be strong because if you don't take care of everything will not cope'.

You can reasonably expect him to spend some more time with/attention on you. If he has space for the cat he has space for you. Maybe all he can muster is sit together and watch some telly. At least you'll be together. You may need to tell him that. It's hard to, I know, because when I say something like that to dh I will get 'Yes I know I'm a useless rubbish husband so beat me up some more' talk. But it needs to be done.