morning.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Another day, another giving up on sleep way too early. I was signed off work for two weeks on Friday, and since then I feel worse than when I'd been coping. Well, sorta. I'm having fewer thoughts of suicide, and while I'm thinking more about self harming, I'm doing it less. But I'm crying at the drop of a hat, concentration is shot (I can't even really concentrate on mumsnet, and this used to be the only thing that that I could only focus on! This was one of the main reasons I dragged my arse to the GP- work hadn't noticed yet and I wanted to keep it that way, particularily in this difficult financial climate and with a real shark of a company director- luckily I am MANY levels below him, but sadly not far enough down to be off the radar), and if I do anything, I feel shattered and shakey, almost as if I had glandular fever, but with less sleeping and no swollen glands.
Not really sure what I'm after here, just I guess. Particularily since I KNOW that several others have it way worse!

[Arana]

Hey MMP :)

Did your GP prescribe you anything? Are you on ADs, and can you get access to counselling? Have you had blood tests?

I don't really have much advice other than to say hang in there - what you're going through is shit, and it feels like it will go on forever. From experience, I've found that things get better, or you find better ways to cope/work round it.

I'm on ADs and have valium/serax for anxiety. When I'm having a day like yours, I take a valium and withdraw from the world for a few hours. Whether it's watching shit TV, reading or staring at the wall.

I also find it quite cathartic to write things down - not in a narrative way, but just statements, thoughts and memories.

I've self harmed as well, and while I would in no way condone it, at times it has kept me going, and distracted me from suicidal thoughts. It can be addictive though, so be careful.

I wish I could think of something more positive to say, but everything that comes to mind can be classed under the "patronising things to say to a depressed person".

You'll get through this.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Thanks Arana. I'm on the tricyclic lofepamine (have been for about 2 months) and was recently given a short course of diazapam. (I can't spell, so hopefully you understand what ones I'm trying to say!) I guess I could take one of those, but I feel too tired to move off the couch :(

My GP also wanted me to wait on concelling until I'm a bit better, so I'm on the waiting list for that.

[Arana]

Just try and take it one step at a time. If you are too tired to get off the couch, then stay there. Sometimes it feels good to feel bad IYSWIM? Sometimes I feel better sooner if I just let rip with my emotions - I get angry, upset, feel disgusted with myself, miserable and let it all out. I find it easier to write about how I feel when I'm angry than when I'm zoned out.

It depends if you want to rage, or if you just want to take a break from the world. If it's the latter then make yourself a thermos of tea, take some diazepam and stay on the couch.

[madmouse]

Hello what you are going through sounds like a normal reaction to being signed off work. Suddenly the only thing that kept you struggling though and forced you to prop yourself up falls away and you kind of collapse in a heap. I've had the same thing.

It's only now you've been signed off that you realise how tired you are. Rest, and get some fresh air, then rest again. Less suicidal and less SH is more important than most other things.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Thanks, both of you. Wound up having to look after DD (age 3) as she (and DH) have a cold, and her cough started sounding funny (still just a cold but "you were right to bring her in" ). Not sure why DH couldn't skip work to take her to GP and rest up himself but there you go. Managed it with meds. Diazapam on 5 hours sleep is a very different experience to taking it just before bedtime (didn't knock me out either time but was a very close thing this morning). She has now had too much lots of downloaded cartoons while I dozed, and is napping herself. I gave myself 15 min before giving up on my own nap. Back to the childminder with her tomorrow!

[Arana]

You can't have too much tv when you're ill. It's part of the healing process

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

more moaning from me, sorry :(

Got a reasonable amount of sleep last night (bed at 11, awake at 5 but fell asleep again quickly, awake for good about 6), then crashed with no energy about 9 (but no ability to sleep, either). I had vague plans with a friend (of the "we'll talk Thurs morning and decide what to do" variety), and in my head I really wanted to go out and go shopping but I just haven't the energy to change from my pjs and shower, let alone go out :( She's coming over with ice cream, and that was the other thing we'd discussed and I KNOW that there's all the time in the world until I'm back at work for random shopping trips but :( that it's not to be today

[Arana]

Hey, it sounds like things are getting a bit better :)