Please please please help me :(

[Notmyselfatall]

Hi, don't know where to start, please bear with me, I have 2dc and I am
Pregnant with dc3, also single. One of my dc is severely disabled also. Have a lot on my plate. I have history of severe OCD and severe depression. My OCD is very very distressing, shows many sides, but the one that I am bothered with the most is horrific thoughts about my kids and the fear I will do these thoughts very upsetting. I have been feeling very low, but the last few days I have bn once again plagued by these horrific thoughts, when I'm well I can shake these thoughts off, when I am ill, getting ill etc, I cannot think of anything else and it seriously is debilitating even housework overwhelms me. I am on setraline, 100mg which I put up myself from 50mg last week in desperation as I felt so low, not as bad as I feel now though....my dr would not alter or change my meds even though I told her they were doing nothing. I am waiting on an
Appointment for the antenatal mental health team and she wouldn't change anything until I see them, but I still don't have an appointment and am desperate now I have tried pretty much every anti depressant. Citalopram works but after years of being on it I got immune to it. I was on diazepam too before I fell pregnant, as I get very anxious, panic attacks pains in
MY chest etc, I have diazepam 5mg here and really wanna take it as I know it would help me but I'm scared to because I'm pregnant. I only have my best friend, sister and parents in RL, but hardly ever see my sister, she never visits, my parents, I don't want to tell as I already feel a failure in their eyes. Never been able to live up to their expectations etc, they know about my mental health and looked after me when I was first diagnosed with severe OCD after birth of my dc2 and was nearly hospitalised. I have struggled on and off with it since just before the birth of dc1 11 years ago nearly. Was only diagnosed 5 years ago. I sometimes wonder if I'm actually bi polar but, right now, every time I see or speak to my parents I get it thrown in my face that I got preg this time too quick and never knew my exdp etc etc, I know all this, but it doesn't help to be told every other day, and how I will have 3dc to 2 different dads etc.... I feel like a total failure. To my kids, my parents, everyone. Was walking across the road last night to the shop and thought how easy it would be to just stand in the middle of the road and wait to be hit by a car I cannot go on like this. I'm very ill

[Janoschi]

I'm not experienced enough to offer any practical advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Is there anyone who can look after your children while you get yourself sorted? Can you get some kind of respite care for your children to give yourself a break?

You do need to widen your social circle but I know this can be hard, especially with depression involved. Is there a kind of befriending service near you that you might be able to access?

Sorry if this is no use - just wanted to say something in response to your message!

[Flimflammery]

You sound desperate, please phone the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90, they will listen and not judge.

[SecrectFarleysNibbler]

When is your appointment with the team? It's good you have this in place. Can you hang on until then?

[AIBUqatada]

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so low. I hope that from this thread you can at least get the reassurance that others care, and that people feel nothing but admiration and sympathy for you as you care for your children while battling with illness.

In case you haven't spotted it, can I link to the Mumsnet mental health webguide which has links to all sorts of organisations offering information and support for people who are mothers and in mental distress.

Very best wishes.

[Lexiesgirl]

I couldn't read this without commenting, hun, you poor thing, I am very sorry that you are feeling so low. I echo the others that if you are feeling this bad then could you think about calling the Samaritans or one of the other links on the Mumsnet mental health guide? Or if you still have your health visitors details, call and call until you speak to someone and explain. You have made such a big step explaining this online, maybe this will help you to explain it to someone in RL? Or could you say where you live, maybe there is some lovely Mumsnetter nearby who could help with local links or knowledge?

The fact that you are so upset but your thoughts shows you are a wonderful mum. Please remember that.

[liveinazoo]

ive asked MN to move this thread to mental health as i feel you will get more help/support there

im sorry you feel this way right now

remember pregnancy hormones destabilize the most calm and rational of people,the rest of us can wobble right over without a bit extra support!

i hope they move you across

if you need to talk please keep posting i shall be in and out in the next few days and reply as often as i can if you need.x

[OliviaLMumsnet]

Hello
So sorry to hear this OP
We have moved this thread out of parenting into Mental health and really hope that you can get some support both on MN and indeed in RL
MN Towers

[Notmyselfatall]

Ty everyone for replying. It means so much to me. I still feel completely shit. I am still sorely tempted to take a diazepam. I know it would calm
Me down. I am in Scotland, sorry, can't remember who asked me that. Dc2 will be going to bed soon so that's a little pressure off, I texted my mum to tell her what I've been like today and so far have no reply. . Which hasn't made me feel better in
Any way!

[Notmyselfatall]

Silly me, my mum just got back to me telling me to make an appointment with dr as soon as. She knows how I go :( I can't afford to go down. My two kids need me, esp ds, 5. I'm petrified about the baby too when I feel like this :(

[Notmyselfatall]

I caved and took a diazepam and am now much much calmer and able to function. Why can't I just be friggin normal? I hate this

[AIBUqatada]

So glad you are feeling calmer. If diazepam is really helpful. could you see your GP to talk about how confident you could be about using it more? I've no idea what the rules are about diazepam in pregnancy; I just want you to be able to make full use of whatever forms of help are available to you.

I hope you have a good, restful night. You must be exhausted, and that is bound to make all aspects of your mental distress feel worse. Remember that a time will come when things seem less bleak.

[Notmyselfatall]

Hi aibu, yes, I am going to make an app this morning and tell them how I can function on diazepam. I have woke up feeling panicked and shaky instantly :( can't keep doing this :(

[Chopstheduck]

Im glad you have an appointment with them this morning. Make sure you tell them how bad you are feeling and I really hope you get some help for yourself.


Have you tried contacting Homestart? They have something similar to a befriending service, where someone could come and see you for a couple of hours a week, to give you a break, a listening ear, or whatever else you need.

[Notmyselfatall]

Well, that was a waste of fekn time dr I saw would not change my meds and advised not to take diazepam. Was a patronising little shit :( ' I don't think you're in yr darkest place ' em, 'yet!' was what I replied. Said he will chase up appointment with antenatal mental health team! What the hell am I meant to do now?! He even said to me ' you'll just have to find ways of coping until yr appointment comes through' what help is that! If I could 'cope' with it I wouldn't have been in front of him this morning at an EMERGENCY appointment!

[AIBUqatada]

I'm sorry he was unhelpful. I really hope the antenatal team offers you better support, and that the appointment comes through quickly.

xx

[Notmyselfatall]

Ty aibu, I'm disgusted at the fact I've been left like this :(

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you notmyself - I had pretty crippling PND with both my DD's but at least that was AFTER birth so I could take whatever meds I needed (just meant I had to stop BF'ing earlier than I would have liked both times).

What a terrible reaction from your doctor. Do you know when your antenatal MH appointment is? Have they booked it yet?

Grasping at straws here, and I know that they are no replacement for proper medical advice and medication, but have you thought of some natural or homeopathic remedies for anxiety? I am thinking chamomile, lavender, Bach's rescue remedy, things like that. Maybe it would help take the tiniest little bit of the edge off...

Would you like to talk about your "horrific thoughts"? If you think it would help you to get it out in the open then please feel free to share - no judgment, just support.

((hugs))

[Notmyselfatall]

Hiya hearts, aww ty soo much for your lovely message. I've thought about natural remedies, don't know where to start with that though, plus the fact I am on setraline. . Don't know if I'd be able to take any herbal remedies etc on top of that.... I'm soo pissed off at the dr I saw. He, to me, didn't take me seriously. I actually said to him ' I have had 3 miscarriages, do u know how much it took me to take a diazepam yesterday? Knowing it could be a risk?' idiot I have no idea when the appointment for MH team
Will be :( I am panicky just thinking about it. My horrific thoughts are the worst thoughts you could think of regarding my darling kids.... Horrid sexual thoughts....I HATE writing that. I HATE myself for having this illness

[HorribleDay]

This illness is NOT your fault.

2 options for emergency MH (which will vastly speed up AN team)

1. Go back to GP, see a different one, ask for Referral to local MH Crisis Team. They will HAVE to see you within 24 hours, have doctors who can sort meds (if GP refused to put them up, and you've done it yourself, then you'll run out sooner than you should, so need this sorted ASAP)
   

1. Go to A&E, ask to see Liaison Psych, who can refer you to Crisis or speed up AN team.
   

Neither of these options are likely to give you diazepam or prescribe it - really not the best in pregnancy. BUT they can offer you support, to sort out sertraline properly (can go up to 200mg but slowly, and with medical support), and can look at an alternative sedative that is safer in pregnancy than benzodiazepines.

Good luck sweetheart x

[SparkyTGD]

Had to post, hope you are coping, really hard when you have intrusive thoughts.

You really need to see MH crisis team asap, IMO.

In my experience once you are on their list you can practically phone them anytime just to talk, get some perspective/coping strategies etc.

GP was rubbish, I agree, can you see another one? even midwife/hv, I had ante-natal depression (not severe). Have been on paroxetine for number of years, is good for depression/anxiety.

When I've been in crisis I have had to really keep myself busy, just get through the day and keep thinking, tomorrow I might feel better. And keep doing that every day until it improved.

[kizzie]

Hi
Just want to add to what others have written. Just because this GP hasnt been much use please dont give up getting the right help. When youre in the middle of depression its so easy to think that you dont deserve any better - but that is absolutely not the case.

I remember once being absolutely desperate and a GP said to me 'you need to get a nice little DVD out and chill out a bit'. (As if id have been sat there in that state if all i needed was a DVD )

But other GPs have been brilliant - youve just got to keep going. And agree with others re. A&E - if you get desperate just turn up - and dont leave till someone sees you.

Hope things start to ease really soon.

[weegiemum]

Notmyself - I'm in Scotland, in Glasgow. I've had crippling ante and post natal depression. I'd be happy to chat with you, have you round for coffee etc!

Ive recently become disabled and can't get out much cos of mobility issues. But my kids are all at school all day now and I have lots of time to drink coffee, eat cake and listen.

So if you are glasgow-ish feel free to pm me, we can arrange something!

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

OP please don't beat yourself up about having this illness. If you had cancer, or diabetes, would you HATE yourself as you say? So much easier said than done though, I know. I had some awful awful thoughts about DD1 when she was just little. Just keep reminding yourself that they are not your true thoughts. They are the illness speaking. You, the proper you, the real you, do not have those thoughts.

I think HorribleDay has some good advice - if you can get seen by the Crisis team (or similar) that will help speed things up.

In general I think we are pretty lucky to have the NHS in this country but one area where they fall down IMO is recognising acute mental health problems that need dealing with ASAP - no one should have to suffer as you are suffering. If you had a broken leg, they would not be saying "oh, we will get around to giving you an appointment when we have time in the diary." Just shocking. I am sorry you are suffering so much OP.

[Notmyselfatall]

Hi everyone. Just wanna say a massive Thanku to all of u for posting such lovely replies :) means the absolute world to me. Well, I had an ok day yesterday and today, much better for some reason but tonight, the thoughts are bad again :( really feel like taking a diazepam. Would it be really really bad to ?? The dr said not to, but he doesn't know how I feel :( just need to escape for a lil while. Aww weegie, how nice of u to offer me round :) I am like 30 miles from Glasgow though and don't drive sorry to hear that you are disabled now too :( and that you've had awful depression too, and to all of u that have suffered this. It's terrible :( still no appointment through. Dr is a bloody joke :(

[Janoschi]

I'm also in Glasgow and would be happy to offer a friendly ear if you need. Message me and maybe we can arrange something, be it a walk or a coffee or just a bit of online Skype typy chat when you're feeling things are tough. I work weird hours so can't offer anything regular but I'm often online at silly o'clock.

((hug))