can i help my partner get an accurate diagnosis?

[newfashionedmum]

My partner of 7 years has problems with his moods which affect me and our daughter (tho her less than me it seems). This is combined with compulsive (as I see it) computer gaming and overconsumption (binging) of alcohol.

Having done some reading around his moods and behaviour i wonder if he has cyclothymia (mild version of bipolar). He never does really risky/illegal things but he is impulsive and has done some physically dangerous things in the past.

He jokes sometimes that I'm imagining that he's got a problem and that he's happy how he is, and i wonder sometimes whether he's right and I WANT him to be ill so i'm justified in being unhappy with him and wanting things to change. But I'm pretty convinced he has some kind of cyclical / episodic changes in mood that are on the illness side of the spectrum, though clearly not as serious as some. He just seems to lose perspective and forget how he's been and that he could go there again.

After the most recent time of drinking too much and also feeling quite down he agreed to go to the doctors, the doctor has referred him on and he now, a couple of months later, has an appointment for a psychiatric assessment. His response was that he doesn't need to go 'cos he feels fine now. The questions on the questionnaire they ask him all relate to the last week or two - and he's been pretty good over this period. I'm concerned they won't pick up anything as he's in a good place right now, or even that they might put him on antidepressants which could make him worse if he is 'cyclothymic'.

So in a nutshell I would like to be able to feed my perspective, not judgementally or in a kind of 'look what i have to live with' way but just as someone who knows him so well and thinks he could be much happier, into the assessment process. Is that possible and can/should it be done without him knowing? I'd rather not hide it from him but I'm worried he'll say no if I offer.

Any suggestions or would I be wasting my time?

[catsareevil]

Can you go to the appoitment with him?

[newfashionedmum]

I'm afraid to even offer because he might think I'm interfering and it might put him in the wrong frame of mind when he goes. He doesn't like feeling like he's been told what to do or that he's being a 'good boy' - I don't know how to offer without it seeming like its for his benefit not mine iyswim. I don't even know whether they'd allow me there. I have thought about writing them a note?

[newfashionedmum]

btw its taken about 3 or 4 years of me chipping away at his resistance/denial to get to this stage - things are actually a lot better in some ways than they were early on - but I have been getting to the end of making allowances and thinking things will improve so its a kind of make or break time in some ways. I haven't told him that though because I don't want to give him extra pressure, I think that would make things worse..

[catsareevil]

They will most likely allow you to come in if you allow it. You could tell your DH that you would like some advice and help in understanding him better?

You could take a note of the mood changes that you have noticed to the appointment with you, maybe offer to hand it over if it would be helpful.

At the end of the day though, unless your DH is presenting a risk to himself or to others it will be up to him if he accepts assessment or treatment if that is needed.

[catsareevil]

Sorry, that should say 'if your partner allows it'.

[newfashionedmum]

Thanks for your input cats - he went without me (i gave him a note beforehand of some of the things we've talked about over the years - really gently worded 'these are things you find hard and things you do to cope with it') We didn't talk much afterwards except to say he's been referred for alcohol management and CBT. I don't have much hope for the CBT to be honest, because I think its biochemistry with him - he tries hard to moderate his behaviours already but its such a strain which is what leads to the addictive / escapist / reward seeking behaviour IMO. But of course I'm not an expert - just an expert in him! I WISH they would make partners part of the process.

Fingers crossed for some effect.

[julieann42]

My husband has mental health problems and sees a psychiatrist! I was happy for him to see him alone until one letter, a copy of what goes to GP said how well my husband was doing. I was amazed as we had had the worst month ever so I got straight on the phone to him..I said I didn't want to know anything that they had discussed etc but I just wanted th psyc to be aware of what was really happening and not what hubby fed him! It has helped now be involved with his care and while we are still not out of the woods I know we have help!

[whatsonyourplate]

In my very limited experience of mental health issues, I'd say your OH's symptoms could match to those of a personality disorder (there are various different types). I'd say the best thing you could do would to be to keep a diary of his moods, any identifiable triggers etc, and attend appointments if the therapist etc thinks it will be useful.
CBT is about changing your thought processes, so may help your partner to identify when he's on a downward spiral and nip it in the bud, or at least be able to communicate it to you.