I feel like I am failing at being mentally unwell :(
Nobody else self harms like I do and I feel really alone with it. I plan it but the plan isn't about choice or choosing, it is just when to do the inevitable. I am very emotionally detached when I self harm and I can spend as long as 2/3 hours doing one cut to make it as deep as I need it to be. This is apparently very unusual. In A&E they are surprised at how deep my cuts are and how I can stand to do something like that to myself. I used to switch myself off in A&E but I had a panic attack last time I was there so I don't know what to do now.
I took an overdose on Tuesday and the hospital couldn't understand how I could take so many and for it not to be a suicide attempt. But it wasn't I just wanted more.
I self harm for damage and control but I don't like the pain and it certainly isn't an emotional realise or a physical expression of emotional pain. I feel really alone in this.
I shower every day and see my friends but it all feels so fake and unreal. When I am doing anything I have images of ways to hurt myself flashing through my head. I have had to cut down on driving because I find focusing hard. I can't go for a coffee without sobbing. I can't sleep well or eat. But I look ok and I can leave the house so it is like it is not real for me and I am faking it all.
I am so very tired. I am fed up of being me. I have attended A&E 3 times since last Thursday. I can't see a way forward at all and I am getting it all wrong even while I feel shit. I can't even hurt myself properly. I am just so so tired but I can't stop hurting myself and I continue to be driven to do that.
I had therapy today and he was lovely and understanding and I see the home treatment team tomorrow and I saw them yesterday in hospital which was nice. I have so much support and I am not moving forwards and I am just wasting everyone elses time with my shit that I keep getting wrong.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
Can't do anything properly
4 replies
fluffydressinggown · 29/03/2012 18:55
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.