Right. This is hideously embarrassing, I'm cringing just trying to get the words in order in my head. I've only ever talked about this with two people before (both counsellors)
I have a MASSIVE phobia of shitting myself losing control in public. And by in public I mean anywhere where there are other people, including my own home. I've been struggling with panic attacks & anxiety for at least 10 years now and the one aspect that I can't deal with is the fact that a panic attack pretty much instantly requires that I scuttle off to the nearest loo. So you can see the vicious circle situation; I worry that I will get the shits gastric disturbance, which causes... you guessed it.
I have so many safety behaviours that it's ridiculous:
Obviously I won't travel any distance
Motorways are right out of the question, as is having anyone else in my car or being a passenger. Or buses. Or long walks.
I can't go to other people's houses coz I'm also scared of using other people's toilets (although this isn't so much of an issue any more because I no longer have any friends)
I'm a very very fussy eater & obsessively hygienic
I only wear dark coloured clothes on my bottom half in case of 'accidents' & feel very uncomfortable if I don't have a jacket or cardie that I could tie round my waist in an emergency
A few days ago I had the norovirus - I'd been getting more & more anxious watching it go around, frantically bleaching everything after my DS & DH had it. I had to send my DH and (breastfed 2 yr old) DS away for 24 hours because I was too ill to look after the little one but couldn't bear the thought of DH hearing my bum explosions D & V symptoms in the bathroom (we live in a small flat where even the smallest of farts can be heard from any of the other rooms. I cannot bear it, there is no privacy at all).
Since then my anxiety has escalated (sp?) out of control - I just failed to walk 5 mins to the local shop (and there's a public toilet there ffs!). I won't let DH sleep in the bedroom in case of any night-time incidents. I sweat & shake & generally struggle to keep it together when anyone else is in the bathroom (we have no separate loo). I've barely eaten anything in the last few days, partly because there's something very reassuring about being completely 'empty'.
I'm not very well am I? What the hell do I do?
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Mental health
Does anyone share my very odd phobia? Maybe TMI
keithlemonsbackdoors · 26/03/2012 14:26
Madmouse - amitryptiline sounds very interesting, will google to see if it's BF friendly (although in my experience the info is all bit vague). I used to take sertraline which helped a bit. Tummy is currently churning like a washing machine 
Diorrhoea (you'd think I'd be able to spell it, wouldn't you?) is listed as a side effect of citalopram! 
So Madmouse, you think it could be more of an OCD thing then? There is a lot of obsessing involved but all the compulsions are fairly logical. I know that most ADs cross over into breastmilk but as you say, DS isn't actually going to get much of whatever I'm taking. He's down to 2 feeds a day (more or less). I spoke to my doctor about the possibilty of going back on sertraline (helped a bit, but not enough, pre-pregnancy) and was told I 'should really' give up BF first, even though it's ok to take it during pregnancy!! I think they just automatically say that once your baby is over the recommended 6 mths - doesn't really help with the informed decision making! Makes it feel like I'd be going against the docs advise to take anything and carry on BF. Like I need any help with overthinking!
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